


once we were dreamers (you and I)

by Alielle (TheKitteh)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Chance Meetings, Changing Tenses, Changkyun the real MVP, Chicken Soup to The Rescue, Clubbing, Dreams, Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt, Familiars, First Kiss, First Meetings, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, Headaches & Migraines, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Oblivious Hoseok is oblivious, Pets, Romantic Soulmates, Semi-Public Sex, Shin Hoseok centric, Sick Character, Sleepovers, Slow Burn, Smoking, Soulmates, Stranger Sex, Texting, Yoo Kihyun Is a Little Shit, adopting a pet, familiar bonds, librarian!hoseok, not so good first impressions, occasional smoking actually but still, soulmate bonds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-08-12 01:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20163616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKitteh/pseuds/Alielle
Summary: A soulmate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace.– Thomas MooreSoulmates are destined to find each other. That’s how the world works.Shin Hoseok loses any hope for a soulmate once he turns 20.





	1. Prologue

The thing about Shin Hoseok was that he was born a hopeless romantic.

As a child, he grew up on stories about a myriad of lovers. Those starcrossed, who loved and loved and their love was never enough and destined ones who defied everything and everyone, fate itself included.

He grew up watching his parents, hard-working and iron-willed, becoming so impossibly soft around each other. 

He was five when his mother dropped a kiss over his temple, threaded fingers through his hair and told him that somewhere out there, there was his soul mate waiting for him. His special person, who would be there for him and with him, no matter what. 

“You’ll love them unconditionally however they’ll need you to,” she cooed into his ear as he lay down for the night, “And they’ll love you back the same.”

Hoseok was ten and he was able to read well enough to start looking up everything about soul mates and inside of his chest, his little heart fluttered. He read and read, told his little brother facts and myths he’s learned in place of goodnight tales. 

He learned that it was always the younger one of a soul-bonded pair who is born with a familiar - it would materialize when they reached the age of twelve. The familiar’s sole purpose of existence was to ensure the pair meets, to ensure that the bond takes and hold and binds them forever. 

He etched into his memory the facts that soulmates were close in age and usually would find each other within the first three years since the familiar’s appearance; scarce records mentioned pairs that meet later than that, their number more of a margin of error than an actual, solid percentage.

And while the bond wasn’t romantic at its core, he’d read when everyone in the house was asleep, it would often transgress into one of such nature over the course of the first ten years. He never could stop himself from smiling as his eyes roamed around those letters and words.  _ Soulmates feel so much of each other, they feel so much joy from merely being close to one another _ , he read to himself with his breath held,  _ they belong together. _

While his mother supported him in his passionate research, his father constantly frowned at him, at his unbridled amazement towards the concept. He has met with scorn day by day, faced more disapproval than he ever earned. Hoseok quickly learned not to show how much it hurt, how much it cut into something tender and soft deep within him. 

When’s he turns twelve, nothing happened. 

His mother smiled at him as they left the restaurant after a celebratory dinner. She tucked a strand of too-long hair behind his ear, fingertips wrinkled from all the hard work at home she’s been doing ever since Hoseok could remember. 

Hoseok loved her so much, always did and always would. If it wasn’t impossible, he would be sure she was his soulmate - because he couldn’t imagine loving anyone more than her. 

“You’ll be the older one,” her smile was gentle and loving, as always outshining all of the lights of Seoul. “You’ll need to take good care of them.” 

“Stop coddling the boy, you’ll make him soft,” his father’s voice was more of a bark than anything else as he shouldered past them, as he moved on forward, out into the busy streets and not once giving Hoseok a glance. “He’s supposed to be a man. Men do not pine for their soulmates.”

The words ware a barbed wire over his gentle heart, tightening around with every beat. But his brother’s small hand was warm and still slightly pudgy in his and his mother fussed around them, fixing their scarves and it wasn’t all that hard to keep on walking.

He wondered sometimes, over dinners and family trips to the countryside, how someone so cruel to him, could be so gentle towards his mother. How his father could cut Hoseok down to the quick with one look and yet make his mother smile in a way that lightened up the whole of Hoseok’s world. 

The bond of a soul mate, he thought with elation, the bond that still waited for him. 

Two days after his seventeenth birthday, his mother was gone, taken from him because of a misstep and one bottle of soju too many. 

And just like that, she was gone.

So was his father, but in a different way; it was her name Hoseok cried and choked on, curled up on a hospital chair into a miserable, tight little ball, as the doctor told them the unfortunate news. Said she wasn’t in any pain. It happened quickly, the doctor explained gently, eyes sorrowful as they mentioned immediate death upon impact.

As if that was supposed to make things somehow better. 

The driver walked out alive, taken into custody but it the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter, because Hoseok’s heart bled and bled until he thought there wouldn’t be anything left in him. 

Hoseok didn’t remember the funeral. Details were gone in a haze of rain and pain, drowned in an ache that left him breathless.

He witnessed as his father shriveled within days afterward; all of his love gone, all of his anger gone, all of his  _ everything _ taken away forever, leaving a husk of a man and a mockery out of a family.

Not until then, not until he saw the dead, dull brown of his father’s eyes, did Hoseok realize what it meant to have and lose a soulmate. What it meant to have the bond severed way before it’s time. 

That was the first time when he wondered,  _ was it worth it? _

He only managed to graduate high school before he packed whatever meager belongings he could call his and moved out. 

He shared a tiny, cramped flat with three other graduates. They were loud, a little bit obnoxious, but good kids. Their noise and presence kept Hoseok distracted. Two of them were bonded for four years already, so obviously and sickeningly in love with each other, it made Hoseok fell a dull ache.

He hadn’t thought about his soulmate ever since his mother died. He made himself stop thinking about it, about that person who’s supposed to be his in every aspect. Every time he dared, he was filled with a crippling fear he would end up like his father. Emptied out, going through motions, not really feeling anything anymore. Letting life take him wherever, like a fallen, dry leaf in the wind. 

Next thing he knew, he was nineteen and he managed to find a position of a helper at the nearby library. His love for books overweighted his lack of experience, his knowledge of soulmates earning him some credits. It’s been seven years since he turned 12 and by then, he stopped waiting. 

The age difference was disturbing enough as it was. 

It took one more year for him to move out once more time, three floors up in the same communal building as his former flatmates. The apartment was tiny, a closet-sized bedroom and a cramped living space with a kitchenette, a shower stall barely big enough to fit him. 

He didn’t need more. Just a place to rest his aching head after a long day.

The night of February 28th, 2013 found him on the rooftop of his building, overlooking the city. 

On his wrist, the watch’s hands slowly crawled towards midnight, as he once again turned one year older. Hoseok merely stared out at the city around, the Winter's wind -ice-cold and cutting down to the bone, his mind dreadfully - and somehow delightfully, as well - blank. 

While smoking wasn’t his thing, he tried a couple of times more for the sake of company than the act itself, he found himself having one that night. It was almost burned out, the red glowing tip causing his eyes to criss-cross every time he took a drag. 

Numbness bit at his fingers, down his wrists; it curled around his elbows, wound itself over the expanse of his shoulders. The smoke rolled slowly from his lips, the taste ashy and scratchy on his tongue. His lungs heavy, thick. The city never seemed to sleep and there were billions of blinking lights in the depth of the night, streets and alleys always buzzing with so much noise. 

Bustling with the sort of life and energy Hoseok hadn’t felt in the longest of times.

His heart slowed down, merely a lazy beat inside of his chest. His phone vibrated in the back pocket of his jeans. There was no need to check immediately. His brother, as always, sent his birthday wishes one minute past midnight on the dot. All the years of yearning and ache and hope fell down his shoulder, crumbled at his feet as he breathed evenly, exhaled last puff of grey, thick smoke. 

He flicked the cigarette, watch it draw a pretty, burning arch on the way down.

The lights around him dimmed briefly.

When he turned twenty, Hoseok acknowledged that he was soul-mateless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ “Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.” _
> 
> _ \- Joseph Heller _

iHoseok likes to think he’s settled nicely into his simple life.

He has his tiny flat. Over the past four years - almost four years, he corrects him - he’s been living there he barely made any changes to the interior. He doesn’t have any pictures hung on the walls or soft throws on his bed. His covers are pretty plain, but they keep him warm when the nights get colder and that’s all he really needs. The walls are pretty if dull, greyish color that does nothing to hide the year-old stains. They’re the most visible in corners and around windows, darker spots that catch his eye every now and then.

It’s fine with him. 

The muted colors, the quiet of his flat. It helps him focus, helps to ease the headaches he developed once he turned twenty-one. They always start slow, creeping up at him softly, gently until they bloom into a stab of pain. Sometimes they come and go quickly, sometimes they last for hours.

They became an unpleasant companion in his life of simple solitude.

He works in a library six days a week. He has never moved from the assistant's position but he likes it. It’s nothing exciting but Hoseok really the peace and quiet. Likes the specific smell of books and dust and stale coffee that seems to permeate the building, likes the quiet atmosphere that remains undisturbed even when finals come and sleep-deprived students almost live in the halls and nooks and crannies. 

Likes when after hours he’s checking if the stamps on the books’ spines are intact or reshelving the books that have been returned. The mail is always the last thing he does, goes through it meticulously and carefully, registers what to give to who. For anyone else, this job would be boring, repetitive.

For him, it’s peaceful, calming. 

He has found a hobby for himself. Two blocks away from his apartment block, there’s a gym he likes to frequent. 

He doesn’t really know what urged him to go there in the first place. He wasn’t exactly bored, but a man walked out when he was passing by and he looked so satisfied, with reddened cheeks and messed up, sweat-damp hair, that Hoseok felt compelled to step inside. That was two years ago and now he was a regular. 

There was something incredibly satisfying in the physical ache, in the too-tight pull of his muscles. In the aches that lingered and worsened, day by day, and then were elevated as his body got better, healthier, stronger.

The way his body changed, somehow came as a surprise. He didn’t stop to think when he signed up for regular work out session. He liked the way his shoulders gained breadth and how strong his arms looked. How his legs could carry him for hours to no end. 

Girls and boys seemed to like it as well, considering how often he found little notes, cute little paper slips with drawings and stickers, on his work station. 

He never picked up any of those, but still, he kept them in a little box in the bottom drawer.

During work events, he had enough of his drunken colleagues tell him he’s _ so pretty _. Compliments about his eyes, or full lips or oh, yes, those broad shoulders of his. 

He smiled, thanked them and never proceeded to think about it again. What was the point, after all? For all they cared, they could be as easily complimenting a pretty bauble on display. It was nice, stroked his ego a little, but in the grand scheme of things, it was meaningless. 

They tell him a lot of things about their lives. Hoseok knows who’s in love and who is not, who’s planning on proposing soon (the main librarian). He still remembers one of the other assistants approaching him during lunch hour, all star-eyed and rose-colored cheeks and giving him the biggest hug ever. He had met his soulmate the day before, Hoseok learned from the happy squeals. He congratulated him, of course, he did and listened to the story with polite interest. 

It doesn’t hurt anymore to think about soulmates and the lack of them. In fact, he still reads up on it. He’s well known in the library for his vast knowledge of the subject. His colleagues ask him questions, some of the regular visitors of the library know him well enough to seek him out and ask him questions. And he likes to keep track of the records, visiting the city hall once a month to go through them. 

He’s one of the two soul-mateless people living in Seoul right now.

The other is an almost eighty-year-old man, living in the suburbs. He was an architect, well known in his time. Specialized in urban architecture and it’s quite surprising that he designed the very same building Hoseok lives in. 

The thought is comforting, knowing you can go through your life, accomplish things and be satisfied with them, even without having a soul mate.

When Hoseok thinks about the old man, he can’t help but smile and he thinks, believes, hopes that living a good life can be enough for him, as well. 

\---

Rain fell thick and heavy on his twenty-fourth birthday.

He awakes that day with a headache that makes him feel dizzy and nauseous. He barely manages to call in sick before he drags himself to the toilet. 

Later, he doesn't remember much of the day, other than puking his guts out and the constant pitter-patter of rain against his window.

\---

He runs into his former flatmates quite often, especially the youngest one, The one with the familiar, a small, bright bellied bird. Changkyun - Hoseok remember that is his name - always extends invitations to spend some time together, pesters him about visiting and what not. He always smiles and never promises anything solid. 

Never takes on any of the invitations. 

It feels nice though, that they remember.

Sometimes he feels compelled to go downstairs and knock on their door,. Not,- 

Not be alone for one evening. 

He usually doesn’t mind being alone, just curls up on his bed and goes to sleep after some workout and a light supper. Some days, however, he misses the sound of someone's voice next to him, even if only to listen to and not take part in a conversation. 

He then remembers his twentieth birthday, the way he wished stopped wishing for someone and the way his heart broken one time to many. He remembers the numbness that has since then settle inside of his chest. 

The urge always goes away instantly when he remembers that feeling.

\---

The one he didn’t exactly see coming is Jae-Hee.

Jae-Hee is Changkyun’s familiar, a tiny, smaller than a regular, yellow-rumped flycatcher. Hoseok always found it amusing how Jae-Hee would flutter around his head more often than it did around Changkyun’s. Or how it would perch itself on one of his shoulders and pay no attention to Hyungwon whatsoever. For a familiar, he was rather obnoxious when it came to his bonded pair. 

Hoseok always enjoyed the little fella, liked to stroke his head with one finger and listen to his low-toned songs. 

One he moved out, he crossed the bird out of his life but apparently the familiar had other ideas. 

Hoseok is almost ashamed to admit - even if only to himself - that it took him a while to remember the name and even more ashamed that the first morning where he woke up with the bird fluttering inches above his nose, he swiped at it with a pillow. 

There might also have been some slight screeching on his end involved, but he lives alone so there was no one to witness that. 

He almost cries with relief when the bird - a yellow-rumped flycatcher - pops back up, giving out a series of most offended whistles Hoseok has ever heard and its tiny head tilting left to right as if the bird was giving him a piece of its mind. It’s ruffled, the plumage all fluffed up as it flits around Hoseok’s head. 

He apologizes profusely, over and over, until it gently picks at the tip of his nose, gives out one last whistle and flicks out his half-opened window. 

The next day when he’s at work, Hoseok uses his lunch break to look up some bird feeding info. He starts leaving tiny bits of hard-boiled eggs and sometimes raw liver at his window sill. He has a feeling Changkyun won’t mind and just like that, Jae-Hee becomes quite a fixed feature in his life. 

\---

It’s somewhere mid-March when Hoseok remains alone in the library, long after hours. It’s a gloomy day, it’s been raining since morning and he feels strangely like moping that day. Throughout the whole day, he’s been oddly irritated, like there was an itch under his skin that he could not reach.

It’s the reason why he stays in later. 

He was unable to manage all his tasks during that day, as he kept getting distracted by the smallest things. A shuffle to his right, or the book cart standing not in the exact same place he left it the day before. A book left for return, askew on the pile of all the others.

It’s nine in the evening when Hoseok breathes freely, the door having been closed after the last of his co-workers. 

Now the place is quiet, perfectly so. Now he can do his work, without any disturbance. With a sigh, he grabs the cart, ready to make two or three rounds and to collect books that have been left on tables. 

For over an hour he moves quietly, picks up books and straightens chairs at the tables. It soothes that itch as nothing else could, and whenever he looks behind him - sees clean tables - something within him settles. 

Until he turns a corner and stops dead in his tracks. 

There is someone there, in the library besides him. A boy, with soft brown hair and a cheek squished against a crushed page. Sleeping on the opened book in front of him, arms comfortably stretched out on the table. There’s a pen laying near one of his hands, carelessly dropped. 

He looks… peaceful.

Hoseok doesn’t really want to wake him, but he needs to clean up and close; he doesn’t need some over-exhausted student to cause him trouble. And oh, he could get in trouble for this. He’s a mere assistant, after all. 

With a sigh, he places a hand on the boy’s shoulder. 

It feels oddly boney under his palm, but his hand curls around it pretty nicely, just well enough to give the boy a slight shake. The first one is gentle, the second slightly more stronger and then the boy straightens up, blinking rapidly. There’s a print of where the page crinkled against his skin, lines across one cheek and for a moment he looks at Hoseok without really seeing him, before he yawns and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok says, tries to keep his voice low and kind because being rudely woken up is punishment enough, “But you need to leave now.”

“Yeah,” the boy merely says, his voice a surprisingly deep rasp. He picks up the pen, a notebook Hoseok only now notices, plucks a post-it block from behind another book. 

“Thank you,” Hoseok makes sure to bow a little when the other puts everything back in his bag. He barely spares Hoseok a glance, understandably so, being woken up by a library worker an embarrassing experience all on its own. 

He’s rather fast, much more efficient than Hoseok would be in these circumstances, in less than a couple of minutes he has his things collected and he straightens his back, looks Hoseok straight in the eye.

“I apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused you,” he says with the tiniest of bows, so serious that Hoseok would be uncomfortable if not for that still visible sleep print on his cheek. “I’ll see myself out.”

Hoseok can only watch as he walks away, slender back and head held high. 

When the boy disappears from his sight, he sighs again, picks up the books left on the table and puts them onto the cart.

Hoseok's got a job to do, after all. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If you have nothing left to want, then you just wait. Until there's nothing left to wait for.”_  
\- Neil Gaiman 

Hyunwoo attends the same gym as he does, Hoseok learns one late evening.

He’s not sure why he’s that surprised to run into his former flatmate at a place that’s good quality for a reasonable price and close to their building, but he is.

Seems Hyunwoo is surprised too, as they stare at each other far longer than necessary, the stare off bordering on awkward. It’s Hyunwoo who gathers his wits around, smiles that shy smile of his.

“Seokkie,” he greets him and for a moment Hoseok feels like he never moved out at all, hearing the cute name all of his flatmates used to call him by. “Haven’t seen you around here,” he continues, after he wipes his face with a complimentary towel.

“I’m usually here a bit earlier,” Hoseok says and grabs a bottle of fresh water to pass on.

It’s true, too. He’s running late today. Not only there was a system failure midday that caused him to work extra hours, but he also found the same sleeping boy as last time. This time it was not upon any book; instead he was curled into an uncomfortable looking ball on one of the chairs, back arched at unpleasant angles. Struck with a sudden thought that maybe the boy’s living conditions were rough or maybe he had no place for proper rest, Hoseok only woke him up once he was about to leave himself.

The boy merely blinked up at his, before he staggered out towards the exit, mumbling something about assholes and dickheads for friends.

“How’ve you been?” He asks Hyunwoo, focusing on the here and now.

Hyunwoo immediately brightens, before he tries to tone down his evident glee.

“I’m finally teaching a class,” he says with pride and it makes Hoseok’s heart fill with joy.

Hyunwoo always wanted to dance through his life and his natural talent for both the activity and teaching were something Hoseok always considered a guarantee of a success. To hear Hyunwoo got admitted into one of the schools as their instructor, well that is a huge thing.

“Congratulations!” Hoseok grins, slaps him on one shoulder and then proceeds to make a show of wiping the sweat off. “I’m sure you’re amazing at it!”

“I’m trying my best,” there’s that shy smile, complete with the lowering of eyes before Hyunwoo looks up again, “What about you? Kyunnie said you still work at the library?”

It’s a strange realization to make, that Changkyun - an odd, sharp-witted and even sharper-tongued art student - had been keeping some sort of tabs on him.

It’s almost flattering.

“Yes, yes I am,” he says simply and leaves it at that.

After all, there’s nothing to be ashamed of about his work. And while others may think a librarian’s work is boring or mundane, Hoseok likes it. It’s his perfect fit.

Hyunwoo merely smiles again, nodding, because that’s the type of person he is - polite to a fault, a little bit like Hoseok himself - and then gives him a once over.

“You look good. Do you have a workout partner?” He asks instead and Hoseok grins, truly grins, feels the pull of his cheeks against the smile.

They used to do simple routines in their shared living room, much to Changkyun’s distaste; Hyungwon never minded, never paid them enough attention, more often than not lost either in his dreams or in his music.

(And in Changkyun’s eyes.)

“No,” Hoseok shakes his head, “No, I don’t.”

Later on, they walk side by side back home, making plans for their future workouts and what will benefit them both best. They’re laughing by the time they part on the first floor and then, Hoseok is climbing two stairs at a time.

It’s the lightest, happiest he’s felt in a long, long time.

—-

“Do you remember what you said when you moved out?” 

Hoseok isn’t sure what’s more surprising - the sudden question, the fact that Changkyun is in the library at all or that he actually dropped a hefty pile of books about soulmates to check out. 

“Hello to you too?” Hoseok furrows his brows in confusion, a questioning lilt to his voice at the end of his greeting. 

“Hello, hyung,” Changyun’s mouth ticks up at one corner, his eyes narrowing like those of a fox, as he leans forward. “So, do you?” 

“Do you have anything to take them back in?” He asks instead of answering, looking for a tote bag or backpack. It’s been raining the whole day and some of the books are of the older ones, would damage easily in the downpour. “And why do you need to read up on soulmates, anyway?”

Changkyun scoffs, “Hyung, please, if I needed anything I would simply invade your apartment. They’re not for me, I’m just bringing them back here so that Kihyun doesn’t break his back dragging half of the library for reshelving once his done with his studies.”

“Oh.” A favor then and that somehow makes more sense. Also it somehow settles something deep within him, something that felt like worry. “Ok, then.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Hoseok sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. Changkyun couldn’t possibly be serious in his assumption that he remembered some phrase he uttered when he took his things and moved out of the shared apartment. He looks at the younger boy straight in the eyes, sees the expectation there and oh, maybe he was serious after all..

“No, I can’t say I do.”

Something in Changkyun’s face falls for a second but he covers it quite quickly, straightening his constantly too small shoulders. With a low whistle Jae-Hee pops up from behind him, its yellow rump bright even in the dim light of the library. It flutters around, making those little noises before Changkyun waves it off as if it were a fly. 

The bird flicks Changkyun’s ear before it takes off. 

“He’s so cute.” Hoseok gives him a smile, because the flycatcher  _ is _ cute and always has been. He hasn’t seen him in over a week and he almost found himself missing the little fella.

“Ehn, Jae-Hee has his moments, I’ll give you that.” Changkyun half-sits on Hoseok desks and leans in closer. “I remember, you know. We all do. We keep waiting for you.”

Hoseok heaves another sigh - he almost forgot how stubborn this kid could be. 

“Changkyun, I work here, please be respectful,” he says kindly, giving him a little shove. Changkyun huffs but moves, drags a note or two with him and they flitter to the ground. He picks them quickly and hands them over, his fingers grazing Hoseok’s as he does so.

“You said you’ll come visit. That we’ll meet on weekends every now and then and Hyungwon will cook.”

“If I recall correctly,” Hosek says slowly, deliberately as he starts filling out the cards for the books for later. “Hyungwon can’t cook to save his life.”

He really doesn’t recall saying anything of the sort. But it does sound like him, to mention things like that. It was a polite thing to say, after living for over a year together. A polite little lie, harmless. 

Meaningless.

His mother raised him to be a polite man, after all. 

And while he did suspect that getting reacquainted with Hyunwoo might encourage the youngest to start seeking him out again, this he hasn’t exactly foreseen. He doesn’t really understand why Changkyun brings this up now, four years later, and actually manages to look at him with enough hurt as if Hoseok personally kicked every puppy in existence. 

“ _ Hyung _ ,” there’s even a tiny whine to accompany the word and Hoseok feels justified in huffing out a laugh. 

“Kyun,” he even gives him a little nod to humor him.

“Come ‘round this weekend?” Changkyun asks, clearly hung upon the idea. Hoseon presses a stamp onto the last card, puts the books aside. He’ll have to type them all into the register at the end of day. “And fine, you’re right about Wonnie. We’ll order something, to ensure everyone survives the evening.”

There’s a dull thud in the back of his head, not overly noticeable, but Hoseok’s all too familiar with his headaches to know the pain will only grow stronger with the passage of time. Changkyun keeps looking at him with hope and expectation, somehow the gaze adding to the pressure inside his skull. 

Best to deal with one sort of headache as fast as he can, he assumes.

“Alright,” Hoseok relents, agrees over another sigh and Changkyun’s sudden smile could light up the whole room. 

Jae-Hee appears again, pokes Hoseok’s ear with its beak and whistles. 

The sound is what Hoseok would describe as friendly, low and calming and it somehow eases the pain in his head a little. “Hey, there Hee,” Hoseok strokes the bird gently with one of his fingers,. The plumage is soft as usual, preciously so. It almost feels like it’s wrong, to touch someone else’s familiar like that, but Jae-Hee likes Hoseok enough for it not to feel like some sort of soulmate-bad touch. “Yeah, I’ll see you too on the weekend.”

Changkyun’s inappropriate  _ woot!  _ is so honest and his dimples show in full as he grins, and he looks so much like a teen he no longer is, that Hoseok doesn’t find it in himself to regret agreeing.

If anything, it’s always a nice feeling to make someone happy. 

\---

When Saturday comes, it’s bleak and rainy and quite uneventful. Hoseok sleeps most through it, sleeps the grey daze of the day away and only remembers he’s got actual plans about two hours before he should leave.

Soon, he’s out of the shower, skin rubbed clean and the door to his bathroom opened, to cent the room. The mirror in his bathroom is half-covered in steam, old and dotted with brownish dots. light above the cabinet is flickering again. 

Hoseok looks at his slightly reflection and sighs a little.

He actually looks pretty good, he thinks to himself. The warm shower caused his cheeks to pink up, giving him a healthy, rosey sort of glow. He actually took the time to do something with his hair, something that is more than simply combing it back into some boring semblance of order. It looks messed up, like all those pretty people have in photos in magazines and websites, posing in their  _ rolled straight out of bed _ poses. 

Or as if someone tugged at it, combed their fingers through the strands for hours to no end. 

He feels ridiculous all of the sudden, so taken with his appearance for a simple meeting of former roommates. Like he’s putting too much effort, despite the fact that he even bought a little gift earlier on in the week.

Nothing big, just three fancy plants in three granite pots, for three of the flatmates.

It makes some sense in his head.

He throws on a pair of jeans and a comfortably worn out long sleeve, doesn’t pay too much attention to dressing up. Those guys saw him lounging in boxers and a tank top when the AC in the building broke during Summer, it’s not like he’s going to make a second first impression. 

He’s still got some time left and he decides to be all proper adult with a grip on life and to take out the garbage. His organic bag isn’t all that full yet, but it’s getting there and there are the remains of liver Jae-Hee didn’t munch up. Hoseok’s not that keen on having his little apartment smelling like roadkill anytime soon. 

Outside everything is wet due to the almost non-stop drizzle, makes him regret not changing out of his flip-flops as he almost slips on the last stair and onto the sidewalk. He manages to keep his balance but steps straight into a puddle.

Making a noise of utter disgust, he shakes his now thoroughly soaked foot and skips his way towards the allwe where the garbage bins are. It’s quite dark there, the lights from the street barely dispersing the thick, smelly shadows. There’s some trash piling at the bottom of one of the bins and Hoseok, in his struggle to shake the abundance of water off of his foot, almost kicks a ball of white-grey, damp matted wool. Mrs Park clearly has been trying her attempts at felting, he thinks and then the wool gives out the most pitiful, broken sound.

Dirty, wet alley or not, Hoseok drops the garbage bag and to his knees almost immediately.

His hands are shaking, so so bad, as he touches the ball - fur, not wool - fingers catching on knots and clunks. The cat gives another pained, pitiful meow when he strikes one side gently. One of its eyes is closed, stuck with pus and infection. Right front paw is bent at a completely wrong angle, there’s a small tear in its left ear. 

Hoseok feels his heart tighten painfully at the sight. 

Whoever did this little one belongs to, right now it doesn't matter. Hoseok has to take care of it - clearly so beaten up, it barely can breathe properly. Without thinking too much about it, he takes off his shirt, ignores the way his skin breaks out in goosebumps due to the chill. He wraps up the cat as gently as he can manage, to both immobilize and keep it warm.

Slowly, carefully he makes his way back home.

—

Couple of hours later, Hoseok is still at the Animal Medical Center’s waiting room. He sent an apologetic text to Changkyun almost the moment he arrived, swearing to make up for missing out the evening, but back then, all of his focus on the doctor who took the cat from him. They sat him down in that waiting room and took the cat further back, to give it a full check up.

He’s still fiddling with his phone, switching mindlessly between apps and trying not to think too much of Changkyun’s court ‘ _ ok’  _ of a reply when the on-call doctor approaches him, taking off the disposable latex gloves.

“Is she yours?” He asks and Hoseok blinks.

For some reason, he’s surprised to find out the cat’s a girl. 

“No,” he shakes his head, hair falling into his eyes as he does, “I just found her a couple of hours ago, when I was taking out the garbage.

The doctor nods, skimking through the file’s he’s got with him. 

“It’s good you brought her in, then,” he says when he’s obviously found the one on the cat, “She has no chip on her. Aside from dehydration and a quite severe malnourishment, she also has a broken front leg and two cracked ribs. One of her eyes is infected. We’re keeping her under an IV right now, before we’ll get her cleaned up and put a cast on her leg.”

“Oh,” Hoseok swallows thickly, fingers itching to check his own ribs in some strange sort of sympathy pain.

“If no one will come for her over a couple of days, she’ll be kept here until she’s ready for relocation to one of the shelters.”

Hoseok thinks of the pitiful noise she made when he touched her. Thinks of the eye infection, of the things she had to go through to end up in a piss poor state like she was in. 

No loved pet would be left alone that long.

The doctor takes his silence for acceptance and buds him farewell, again thanking for bringing her in. Hoseok stops him before he manages to turn.

“I’ll take her in,” he says hastily and the doctor raises his eyebrows in surprise, so Hoseok hastily adds, “I live alone. And if there’s no one out there who wants her? I do.”

“Alright then,” the doctor says gently, makes a motion towards the counter, “I’ll need you to fill out some paperwork in this case and if no one comes to pick her up, we’ll give you a call.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god Kihyun will make an appearance soon. 
> 
> **hides face in hands**


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ “Facing it. Always facing it. That’s the way to get through it. Face it.”_
> 
> _ – Joseph Conrad _

Hoseok receives the call a week later. 

No one has came in for the cat, the receptionist from the Clinic says and if he’s still up for it, he can legally adopt her.

He sets the date and thanks her. 

He’s getting the cat. 

Hoseok’s not breathing quite right as he stares at the black screen of his phone. The realization crashes onto him, the sheer knowledge he decided to take in a living, breathing creature and care for it suddenly too huge for his mind to comprehend.

He blinks, once, twice, tries to force air into his lungs. It works somewhat, not quite all the way there, but just enough to keep him upright.

He never had a pet in his life, what was he thinking? His father - from Before, not After, After his father doesn’t really speak to anyone or cares at all anymore- would probably remind him Hoseok’s barely managing to take care of himself. He’d probably point out that Hoseok doesn’t have that much of a life at all, just going day to day to day, pushing through motions. 

Then he remembers the poor little ball, the pain visible in one open eye and remembers thinking  _ ‘she’s got no one, might as well have me’  _ and how it felt right at the moment when he said he’d take her in.

But he doesn’t know how to care for anything else aside from himself, doesn’t know how to carve a space for a cat that will live alongside him for many years to come. She’s obviously been through a lot and there are so many things that can go wrong, so many ways he can mess her up further.

The next thing he realizes he’s doing, he’s trampling down the stairs and knocking at the once too familiar door with urgency. Jae-Hee is no cat and not exactly a pet, but it’s the closest to one Hoseok ever knew and so maybe Changkyun can tell him something, if he’s forgiven Hoseok for not showing up last Saturday as promised.

There’s a yell inside and after a while, it’s Hyungwon who opens the door. Hoseok blinks at the state he’s i and then remembers that Hyungwon has always been a heavy sleeper; it’s obvious Hyungwon has just been woken up, hair sticking up at one side, dazed eyes and a pillow print on his cheek.

He blinks at Hoseok a couple of times, “Hyung,” he yawns, rubs a hand over his eyes and Hoseok is struck how adorable this tall bean of a human can be, “Hi.”

“H-hey,” he says and cringes at how breathless he sounds, “Is Changkyun in maybe?”

“Yeah, of course, come on in.”

There’s a thick smell of overcooked oil in the air and he can hear the clutter if dishes and utensils coming from the kitchen. His anxiety is drowned out by a sudden worry he imposed on food time, dinner perhaps and oy then he realizes he doesn’t really know what time it is. 

Then, Changkyun’s voice cuts the air, loud and  _ so _ annoyed.

“What’s gotten into you all of the sudden? Will you just leave the damned thing alone, you were the one who wanted to watch the movies!”

Hoseok looks to Hyungwon, feels surprise crawl up at his spine because there was no way that’s Hyunwoo addressed rudely like that.

Everyone loves Hyunwoo too much to even consider being rude to him. 

Hyungwon only shrugs and yawns again, “Just Kihyun being Kihyun again,” he says as if that explains everything and he’s already making a beeline for the living room. As he settles himself on the old sofa, he raises his voice, “Kyun! Seok hyung’s here!”

Changkyun appears at Hoseok’s side so fast he might have been a popping up bunny in a cheap magician’s trick. His face is a mixture of annoyance and surprise, Hoseok’s unable to tell which is aimed at him so he just gives him a tiny, uncertain wave.

Changkyun’s smile chases the annoyance away, “Hyung!”

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok hurries, eyes flickering to the kitchen doorway, where he can still hear someone bustle around, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company over, I would never impose…”

“You’re not, don’t worry, besides,” he looks over his shoulder, raises his voice, “The company is awful as it is, at least you’re not a born a too bossy for their own good asshole!”

The response from the kitchen is immediate, razor-sharp and exasperated, “Maybe if  _ some _ people weren’t acting as if they were born in a barn, other’s wouldn’t have to do their work for them!”

“I, uh-,” Hoseok starts because he’s come here for a reason but then the owner of the previous voice comes out of the kitchen.

He’s wiping his hands clean of water and remains of suds in the most furious manner Hoseok’s ever seen and there is a definite glower as he stares at Changkyun. 

He’s the sharpest looking person Hoseok’s ever seen - all razor clean angles and hard cut bones, his jaw jutting out as he clearly clenching his teeth. His eyes are dark, narrowed like a cat’s under tightly pinched brows, dark brown hair slicked back and slightly wet, it does nothing to soften the clean lines of his face.

He’s dressed sharply too, shirt with collar and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, looking a little bit out of place in a flat where hoodies and old sweats were the usual choice. 

Hoseok’s pretty sure he’s never seen him in his life and still there is something eerily familiar about him, in a most unfamiliar way.

“You were supposed to make snacks,” Changkyun argues, hands on his hips as if he’s a parent scolding their child, “Not rearrange the kitchen to you liking.”

“What kind of heathen keeps his pans with his plates, Kyun?” 

“Oh my god, will you… no, you know what, I don’t care about where the friggin’ pans go. Now, excuse me,” Changkyun turns - rudely - to face Hoseok again, gives him a tight smile, “We’re supposed to have a movie night, Kihyun and me. Do you want to join us? I’m sure once Mister Marie Kondo here is done with the kitchen, we can finally get to watching something.”

Ah, Hoseok suddenly breathes a little bit easier. So this is Kihyun. The name popped up a few times in conversations already, he’s apparently one of Kyun’s closest friends. They share classes and a part time job somewhere - Hoseok’s suddenly feeling guilty he doesn't remember what Changkyun does for a living - and judging by the insults they throw at each other without any real heat, they’re pretty close.

Seems Hoseok’s finally meeting the boy in person, now only if he could pinpoint why on earth does he seem so familiar...

“No, I… Kyun, I’m getting a cat,” he blurts out pretty much without thinking.

The silence that follows is pretty much everything he should have expected, so thick it’s deafening. Both Changkyun and Kihyun are looking at him with similar expressions of confusion, two sets of brows raised in an identical manner.

_ I’m getting a cat. _

In all honesty, Hoseok barely stops himself from  running a hand over his face, that is hardly a good reply to a movie-watching invitation.

Jae-Hee is the one to break the silence, as he literally barrels into Hoseok’s chest, chirping and whistling affectionately before he flings up, trying to peck his nose a few times.

“Ah, ah, Hee, no, behave!” Changkyun tries to catch him as Hoseok flinches from a slap of one wing against his cheek, Hee’s enthusiasm a force to be reckoned with clearly. 

Changkyun’s attempt to catch him are futile, at best. As if anything short of world’s end could stop Jae-Hee from doing whatever he wanted. The bird finally settles on Hoseok’s shoulder, perched there close to his neck, so that he can tuck his head behind Hoseok’s ear.

“For a familiar, he is sure way more  _ familiar  _ with you hyung, than with either of us,” Hyungwon drawls sleepily from where he has his chin propped against the sofa’s backrest, half asleep already.

“Familiars are assholes,” Kihyun comments, eyes on Jae-Hee and there’s an odd look in them, a hard glint of  _ something _ that makes Hoseok want to covered the bird with one hand.

“Takes one to know one,” Chankgyun replies immediately, then sighs as his own familiar coos into Hoseok’s ear,” What do you mean you’re getting a cat? Hee, please we’re trying to talk here.”

“It’s ok, you know I don’t mind.” Hoseok smiles, the bird’s presence a strange source of comfort. “I… last week, remember when I texted you that I couldn’t come?”

Changkyun’s face closes for a second as he nods and Hoseok knows he deserves to feel the guilt at the sight.

“I wanted to come, Kyun,” he steps a little closer and puts a hand on the kid’s shoulder, makes his voice gentle, “But I found her in our garbage alley and she was beaten up badly. I took her to the clinic. That’s why I couldn’t make it, I’m so sorry, but she doesn’t have anyone.”

Something complicated shows up in Changkyun’s eyes before he sighs.

“Oh god. Staying mad at you is like kicking a kitten, I can’t do it, ” he mutters and his shoulders slump, “And you’re taking her in?”

“Yeah.”

There’s another moment of silence that follows, which Hoseok thinks is actually unneeded. It’s not  _ that _ unusual to suddenly get a pet in this day and age, and frankly, Changkyun knows Hoseok’s barely got company as it were.

“Does that mean she’ll try and eat Jae-Hee when he wanders off to your place?” Hyungwon sounds the most awake since he opened the door and it makes Kihyun snort out loud.

Jae-Hee fluffs up to twice his size as he gives out the most offended string of chirps and Hoseok pets him with one finger gently.

“No worries bright fella, I’ll make sure she knows you’re off-limits,” that earns him another affectionate peck, “I mean I never had a pet, but how hard can it be to keep her away from you?”

Changkyun turns to Kihyun, “Didn’t you use to have a cat when you were younger? Maybe you can give hyung some tips!”

The look on Kihyun’s face clearly states he’d rather have his teeth pulled out than to engage in the conversation and Hoseok hurries to speak.

“Ah, it’s ok, it’s ok,” he says just not to allow another stretch of silence, because Kihyun is radiating thick, cloying discomfort that grates on Hoseok’s nerves like glass shards, “I just wanted to… tell you and explain myself. For last week I mean. I wasn’t trying to avoid you or something, Kyunnie.”

There’s of course more to that than Hoseok says, but apparently asking for help is something he can’t do, he’s suddenly and painfully aware of the fact. 

Changkyun smiles at him, dimples and all, “That’s so kind of you,” he says, “I can come up and meet her, right?”

“How old is she?” Kihyun asks then, looking as cheery as a rain cloud.

Hoseok blinks, throws him a quick look and even quicker, he looks away, focuses on a spot over his shoulder.

“The doctor said she’s around three or four,” he says and again the reaction is two sets of eyebrows wandering up.

“Doctor?” That’s Changkyun again, clearly voicing out the surprise they both feel. He steers Hoseok into the living room and it feels almost too natural to take a seat at one of the comfortable cushions on the floor. Hoseok folds his legs as Changkyun squeezes himself into the little space Hyungwon left on the sofa.

Kihyun lingers by the doorway, that look of discomfort still on his face.

“I told you she was banged up,” Hoseok says quietly, “Crack ribs, broken paw, I can pick her up in a few days, so far, I’m trying to figure out how  to make things more comfortable for her.” 

“Don't get deep bowls,” Kihyun says and Hoseok looks up at him again. He has his arms folded across his chest, looking all sort of defensive for some reason. “Use shallow ones, to minimize the chance of her gulping up kibble and throwing up.”

“Oh,” that sounds like a piece of pretty valid advice and not something he could read on the internet, “Thank you, I'll remember that.”

Kihyun nods and goes back to the kitchen, muttering something about drinks and lousy hosts, but Changkyun merely leans forward and looks at Hoseok warmly.

“I’m so glad you’re getting a pet, hyung,” he says with an excited glint in his eyes, “And I'm sure you’ll take the best care of her.”

It makes Hoseok feel warm inside, Changkyun’s faith in him. It somehow soothes the remains of doubt and fear he still feels ebbed inside of him. The kid’s a good person, underneath the sass and sometimes brash behavior and this is one of the times Hoseok is reminded of the fact. 

“Thank you,” he says with a smile, wipes his suddenly sweaty hands on his thighs, “And yeah, of course, once she’s settled in, you’re always invited to come over. Jae-Hee too, though he never needed an invitation, to begin with.”

Jae-Hee chirps in confirmation before he takes flight. He makes a couple of circles above Hoseok’s head before he flies out through the half-open window. Changkyun laughs shakes his head oh so fondly.

“No, I suppose he doesn’t,” he grins and then his smile turns slightly more cunning, “So, any more animal rescue plans for tonight? Cause I meant it, join us, we’ll be watching Avengers once  _ someone _ is done getting their kicks on with refurbishing my kitchen cabinets.”

“ _ Someone _ can hear still hear you, you ungrateful little shit,” Kihyun replies from the door where he appears carrying a tray with drinks and snacks. 

Hoseok fights off a smile because this is probably the rudest way of showing affection he ever witnessed.

“That’s ok, as I said, I just…”

“Oh good lord, just stay for the damned movie,” Kihyun interrupts him and there’s even an eye roll to go along with his words, “If you don’t I’ll be left with a snoring Hyungwon and a pouty baby for the rest of the evening.”

Hoseok blinks at that because Kihyun doesn’t really look like he’s about to enjoy the presence of a stranger is something that obviously is something both he and Changkyun planned to do. And that’s probably been the most fed up invitation he has ever heard. He’s unable to voice his surprise though because Changkyun gives out an offended ‘ _ heeey!’. _

“Yes, thank you for proving my point. And you didn’t even introduce us,” Kihyun turns to Hoseok then and bows his head a little, “Yoo Kihyun, nice to finally meet you.”

Hoseok bows his head back, “Shin Hoseok, pleasure’s mine,” and then, after a second because the words register properly, “Finally?”

Kihyun raises one brow, tilts his head to the side at that.

“Really?” He asks and it certainly takes talent to soak one word with that much sarcasm, “Just how often do you throw out sleeping people out of the library?”

“I don't throw... _ oh,” _ Hoseok blinks, “It’s you.”

Now that’s out in the air, Hoseok sees the similarity between the sleep soft boy in oversized sweaters and the sharp-dressed young man before him. In his defense, he never paid him any attention in the library, just made sure he staggered in the appropriate direction of the exit.

He feels a strange rush of relief, that weird familiarity finally making sense.

“You fell asleep in the library?” Changkyun laughs.

Kihyun merely shrugs, drops down to another vacant cushion and grabs a glass.

“Quiet, semi-dark and filled with boring books. Can you blame me? They’re lucky they have such a dutiful worker, I could probably sleep the whole night there.”

Somehow, Hoseok doesn’t feel like that was a compliment at all, with the way Kihyun’s eyes merely glide over him.

—-

He ends up staying for the movies.

It’s surprisingly enjoyable, even if Hyungwon makes odd noises in his sleep and kicks Changkyun off the sofa at one point. 

Changkyun wins a game of rock-paper-scissors and goes to make popcorn. It’s overly buttered and their fingers are greasy, to the point where Hoseok wonders if any amount of soap will help get it off. They get the cheap beer out in the middle of Iron Man 3 and Hoseok feels relaxed, warm. 

He forgot how fun these things were, even in the presence of a stranger.

When he finally leaves, Kihyun leaves with him after hugging Changkyun goodbye and leaving him to deal with the mess in the living room.

“It was nice to meet you, Kihyun,” he says with a smile because he feels  _ good _ right now, looking forward to the next few days.

He turns to the stairwell when there’s no sound of footsteps, instead, Kihyun speaks out.

“If you never had a pet, why are you getting one that needs special care and attention on a whim?”

The question is so sudden, phrased so wrong and said so coldly that Hoseok turns around again, one foot on the first step already.

“Excuse me?” He asks and the surprise is thick in his voice.

He’s unable to help himself, loosened up by the alcohol and tired from working himself into an earlier anxiety attack. His control on his reactions isn’t as good as usual and the look of utter disappointment on Kihyun’s face isn’t helping things.

“You said it yourself, you have no idea what you’re doing.” Kihyun says slowly and in Hoseok’s head his voice overlaps with his father’s, “And yet you decided to just adopt one in poor condition. Don’t you think that’s irresponsible?”

Hoseok straightens up a little and looks Kihyun straight in the eye. Annoy bubbles under his skin and it’s been an awfully long time since anyone caused it. Seems Kihyun has a rare talent for that.

“I fail to see how’s that any of your concern, really,” Hoseok says slowly, not once breaking eye contact.

“I’m just worried about an animal that will end up with someone as inexperienced as you,” Kihyun says and it sounds oh so casual, but it makes something foreign - forgotten - sizzle within Hoseok and he grits his teeth. Kihyun either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care as he continues, “Have you even thought about it? About vaccines and proper food, about securing your flat so she doesn’t hurt herself, about if you can put enough distance between her litter box and her food bowls? What’s she’s going to do when you’re getting your bookie thing on? You haven’t thought about it at all, have you? You just decided you wanted a pet, everything else be damned.” His eyes are bright by the end and it only makes the feeling in Hoseok’s chest heavier, tighter.

“And who do you think you are, to talk to  me like this?” Hoseok seethes out, one hand on the barrister. He feels like he could splinter the wood if he tightened his grip on it and the feeling only spurs him in, “You have no idea who I am and what I’m capable of. You have no right to assume you know anything about me and what was the reason behind my decisions.”

Color fills Kihyun’s cheeks at that, red and vicious. His hands work at his sides, fingers clenching and unclenching like cat’s paws and there’s an unrecognizable storm in his eyes.

“Well then,” he finally says, “Good luck, hyung.”

Hoseok doesn’t bother with a reply, tasting only vitriol on his tongue as he watches him leave. His chest is heavy with his breath, as if he has been working out far too long, but without the good side effect of dopamine. 

Once he gets home, he slams the door behind him; it brings little relief to his annoyance.

He doesn’t really like this Yoo Kihyun very much, he thinks.

—-

It’s the next day when he’s walking around the apartment, rearranging it to accommodate all of the new purchases. The bowls end up in the kitchen underneath the table, the litter box under the sink in the bathroom. He moved all the detergents and chemicals into higher shelves or closed cupboards, just to be safe. 

There’s a small scratching post in the corner of his bedroom and some toys scattered in the living area. Once the cast comes off, hopefully, she won’t be bored when Hoseok’s out at work.

He takes it all in, wipes his forehead and only then realization dawns upon him. 

He stares at the toys for a long long while.

Kihyun was right. He wouldn’t have thought about so many things if Kihyun hadn’t snarled them out at him the day before. 

It’s-,

Unsettling.

Hoseok shakes his head and does what he always does with feelings as unpleasant as this.

He buries it deep inside of him.

—-

Jae-Hee pops up not five minutes after Hoseok brings the cat home. 

She seems slightly dazed, blinking around in confusion. They couldn’t do much about her ribs, said they’d just have to heal with time, but her ear is stitched up nicely. Her right paw is in a lightweight cast; it makes a dull clunking noise as she slowly limps around.

When she notices the bird, she tries to flatten herself to the ground, but the cast makes it look awkward and uncomfortable. 

“Hee, be nice,” Hoseok whispers, eyes on the cat and her eyes on the flycatcher as it flutters around Hoseok’s head. “She needs time, little one.” 

Jae-Hee chirps once and settles on his shoulder. The cat looks at him for a long while, one eye blue the other green, her little pink nose moving quickly before she picks up her exploration. She takes her time, finds her way to the bowls  with food and fresh water without too much trouble. She takes a while to locate the litter box, sneezes twice in the bathroom before she continues to sniff out corners until she finds a sun-light spot in the floor. 

She curls into a ball as well as she can, right paw  stretched out and then closes her eyes. She’s been cleaned up nicely at the Clinic, her fur so white it seems to glow in the sun.

Hoseok kneels next to her, touches her head gently. Strokes it, dares to run his fingers down the line of her back. She feels so soft now, already warm and Hoseok smiles when she half opens her eyes to look at him.

“Hey Hee,” he whispers, feeling something thick and syrupy lodge itself in his throat, “Meet Hayan.”

Hayan purrs, loud and steady as Jae-Hee chirps before disappearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise Kihyun would make an appearance soon, didn’t ?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” _
> 
> _ – Scott Adams _

The meeting at another library comes as a surprise. 

Or to be more accurate, the surprise is in the fact that the main librarian approaches him first thing in the morning asks him to come with her. Says that after all this time as an assistant, he should start looking forward to climbing the career ladder and with his passion for books and research he’s wasting away at his current position.

He thanks her - of course he does, it’s an awfully kind thing of her to say - and declines at first, but she’s persistent. Keeps raising argument after argument and at one point , when his declines turn self-depreciating, she looks so gutted and sad that Hoseok just gives in. 

The meeting’s intense. He learns a lot, notes down all the suggestions he hears that will undoubtedly benefit the library (he doesn’t think it will benefit him all that much, he’s happy with his current position), even discusses some ideas with other librarians in regards to a planned conference. It has him feeling excited and jittery and on constant vigil of some sorts, for over 8 hours with no pause.

Which is why he finds himself far from his home, later than he’d like to, feeling like he’s been put through a wringer. There’s the start of one of his headaches creeping up at the back of his head, his stomach is a tight ball of hunger and he’s so damn  _ cold _ . Despite it being almost May by now, the weather had taken a turn for the worse and it’s been misty and drizzly all day again. 

He misses the warmth, cannot wait for Summer to finally come. 

It’s the first time he’s going to be home late and he worries about Hayan. It’s been a little over two weeks she’s been with him and one of the things he immediately learned about her, is that she’s the most affectionate creature. 

She doesn't like being alone and Hoseok more often than not has to make up for it with hour-long cuddles and under-chin scratches. He would be lying if he said it’s anything of a hardship, but just the knowledge that she’s been left for longer than necessary is sitting heavy on his shoulders. 

At least it is not on a day where he has to take her in for a check-up or anything. 

He’s walking towards the nearest stop that has busses going in the general direction of his apartment building when he passes a coffee shop. It looks like those moders, slightly pretentious new places that keep popping up around every corner, woods and metal and industrial lightning everyone’s so suddenly fond of. Exactly like the place Hoseok avoids on a regular basis. 

He throws a glance at his watch. 

Steps in and inside it’s not too bright, the air’s just right. It smells of pastries and coffee, the lights are dimmed just so to make the place seem so cozy, so warm. There are two baristas behind the wooden counter, preparing drinks and bringing them to the little tables splayed around the room. 

He takes his place in the queue, eyes on the chalkboard with the propositions and wonders if he wants to indulge himself a little further or just wants to grab a cup and go. The thought of Hayan being left alone for so long makes him think of the latter, but he’s cold and tired and some rest would be nice. 

“Can I take your order please?”

Hoseok’s pulled out from his bleak musings by a familiar voice. 

“Oh.” He says dumbly and Kihyun actually looks equally surprised to see him. 

“You.” Kihyun says, blinks a couple of times before his brow furrows in a strangely confused manner, “What are you doing here?”

Hoseok always prided himself of being a patient, kind man. It proves very hard to maintain that opinion of himself when faced with Kihyun and his immediate displeasure as if Hoseok’s sole reason for existence was to get all up in his face.

Immediately, he feels a sizzle of annoy under his skin.

“You might take an educated guess what one does go into a coffee shop for,” he says flatly and Kihyun’s cheeks flush bright red - like that evening in the hallways - as the other barista snickers.

“I meant more the exact location than your presence here,” he says finally, jutting his chin forward. He looks like he’s a breath away from puffing out his chest like a ruffled chicken or something equally small and feisty, but with some inhuman effort, he manages to get himself under control and schools his face into a pleasant, neutral smile. “What can I get you then?”

The musings from before come back full force. He really should just grab a cup of a plain latter and try and catch the quickest bus home. Warm up during the ride because Hayan won’t give him a chance to grab a hot beverage once he returns. The drinks, in general, are overpriced here, the fancier they get, the more they cost, and Hayan’s medicine and treatment costs enough as it is to put a visible strain on his account, but it’s been such a long day. 

Hoseok throws a look out the window, where the rain has picked up and decides on what he wants. It almost makes him crack a smile to see how Kihyun’s face literally contorts in some sort of pain. 

“Staying in or do you want this to go?” 

“In,” he says calmly and he’s somehow sure that if not for the girl working alongside and giving him odd looks, Kihyun would be full on glaring at him and probably urging him to get out of the coffee shop. 

Hoseok looks at her for a second, sees the curious look she gives him and smiles in her direction, that kind of smile he knows the girls at the library like. She blushes pink and it’s definitely more prettier than Kihyun’s angered flush, but not as fun to coax out. 

“Please take a seat and I’ll bring it to your table once your order is ready,” Kihyun all but seethes through clenched teeth and his eyes flicker to somewhere above Hoseok’s shoulder as if he’s unable to look him in the eyes for some reason.

“Can’t wait, thank you,” Hoseok replies kindly, because there is some strange fun in frazzling Kihyun like that and turns to walk away. 

There is a little table in the corner, near some sort of lucious fern plant. It’s slightly darker there, away from the main sources of light and Hoseok gladly takes a seat there. He shrugs off his coat and stretches out his legs, pulls out his phone more out of habit than actual need. Not that anyone save his brother writes to him on a regular basis after all. 

He is surprised to see a message from Changkyun, an invitation to a group chat of some sort. His finger hovers above the accept button before he locks the phone and puts it away, tucks it back into his pocket. He bites his lip, fiddles with his fingers for a second. Why one earth would Kyun make up a group chat is beyond him, especially if he really wanted to get in touch with Hoseok, he literally just had to climb three flights of stairs. And besides, the only two other people Hoseok could possibly be friends with, live in the same building, so really, the invitation makes no sense. 

He’s startled out of his confusion by both his order placed in front of him and Kihyun sliding into the chair on the opposite side of the table. 

“Your caramel cream macchiato,” he says and that slightly pained expression is firmly set on his face before it shifts ever so to something akin of confusion. “I was serious before, what are you doing around here?” 

Hoseok gives him a longer look, before he glances towards the counter. The queue has lessened but still, he doubts it’s good work practice to abandon your place like this. The girl is all smiles and chirpy questions as she takes the order of the next customer.

“Are you sure you should be here and not helping your coworker out?” He says instead, takes a taste of the cream and nearly groans. 

He doesn’t quite remember the last time he got this sort of frou-four beverage. He’s always had a bit of a sweet tooth, but ever since moving out on his own, he stayed away from those. He almost forgot how good this tastes, how it’s a literal comfort in a ridiculous form and he has to admit, the caramel and cream they serve here is particularly delicious. 

Opposite of him, Kihyun sighs and stretches out in his chair, one of his feet bumping into Hoseok’s under the table, “Sorry. I asked for a quick break,” 

“I’m surprised you’re wasting it with me, then.” 

“Well, I’m surprised to see you in this joint, so it seems it’s a trend today.” The reply is nonchalant, uttered without a second wasted and Hoseok thinks that this is an actual trend, Kihyun never letting anyone get the last word in, before Kihyun speaks up again, “Kyunnie’s not here today.”

Hoseok blinks, licks his spoon, “What does he have to do with anything?” 

And there’s the disappointment Hoseok’s been waiting for since seeing Kihyun on the other side of the counter, “He works here? I thought you knew that.”

Oh. 

Right. That’s Changkyun’s part-time job. 

“I’m on my way home. Just stepped in for a drink,” Hoseok says simply. There’s a sudden flare of pain in the back of his head and he doesn’t manage to stop the wince. He blinks a couple of times, trying to gauge how quickly the pain will escalate. 

“You ok?” Kihyun frowns at him.

“I’m fine,” it comes so easy to say, to downright lie because that’s what he is used to, even at Kihyun who doesn’t look entirely convinced. Then again, judging from both of their meetings, Kihyun’s default expression when regarding Hoseok is constantly slightly pained. 

“Just been a rough day,” he finishes. He sounds overly apologetic even to his own ears and Hoseok looks down at his drink, scoops up another spoonful of cream. 

Kihyun says nothing, just sits there in silence for a while before he gets up and walks away. Hoseok looks at his straight back as he saunters towards the back room, takes a second to wonder why he feels a flare of disappointment that Kihyun had left.

He tries to distract himself from the intensifying pain in the back of his head busies himself with the thoughts of how to implement all the suggested changes in the library’s system that he heard about during the meeting and how to make it up to Hayan that he’s so late today. He rubs at one of his temples lightly, trying to elevate the growing pressure. If the pain keeps on escalating like this, by the time he arrives home, curling up in his bed with the cat will be the only thing he’ll be able to do.

It’s been a while since his headache got very bad, but Hoseok reads that today that might be actually the case. 

Kihyun comes back up, a small plate with a croissant in one hand, a glass of water in the other. Hoseok thinks nothing of it -it’s Kihyun’s break after all - until it’s all placed right next to his coffee. There are two pills next to the pastry. 

“I didn’t order any of this,” Hoseok reminds him, tilts his head delicately to the side not to aggravate the pain. 

“I know.” Kihyun says and he looks expectantly at Hoseok, “You said you had a rough day.”

“And the pills?”

Kihyun’s lip tightens briefly, “You’re in pain.”

Hoseok’s about to lie again when the pain flares up, so he only ends up nodding meekly, looking at the plate instead of the boy in one the other side of the table. The croissant looks really nice, powdered sugar on top of it pretty and snow white it does make him realize he is actually hungry. The lunch at the meeting was rather symbolic. 

He takes the pills, because yes, he is in pain. The water’s just cool enough to feel good as he drinks it up, but he doesn’t touch the pastry.

“Thanks,” he merely says, wraps his hands around the coffee mug awkwardly. 

Kihyun throws a look at the croissant, then looks back at him, “Eat up, hyung,” he says sharply. 

“No, I…,” Hoseok sighs, rubs a hand over his neck. Maybe if it was Changkyun, he could explain, but there’s a certain shame he feels even thinking that he would have to explain that he’s splurged enough as it is on himself today. “I’m sorry, but I must decline.”

Kihyun sighs as if Hoseok’s being difficult on purpose, leans in and pushes the plate forward slightly, “Stop looking at it as I’m robbing you. It’s a treat. On me.”

That,-

That doesn't make any sense or make Hoseok more inclined to eat it. He looks down at the pastry again, back up and is unable to hold his surprise in.

“Why? You don’t even like me,” there’s a note of raw vulnerability in his voice, a crack in between the words which he was unable to keep out, making him feel ridiculous. 

It’s just a pastry.

“You said you had a rough day,” Kihyun repeats slowly, ignoring the obvious way Hoseok’s voice quivered just now. “I don’t have to like you to be kind to you. Now, eat.” 

Hoseok eats the croissant.

\---

When he finally gets home, the headache is mostly gone, more of an unpleasant memory now than actual pain. He feels warm inside and there’s the lingering taste of sweet cream and delicate pastry on his tongue. 

Hayan greets him with a loud, long meow and Jae-Hee flings himself straight into his face. He gets a bite at an ankle - not too sharp but still punishing - and a slap of wing in his eye, before he gets both animals under some semblance of control

He never suspected that adopting a cat would mean that Changkyun’s familiar would sort of fall in love with it as well. Jae-Hee has been over more and more often and Hoseok’s wallet feels the difference due to the number of snacks he’s been buying lately. 

He puts his bag away, sits on the sofa.

Hayan immediately jumps into his lap, purrs. She bumps his chin with her head a few times before she settles, curls up in a nice, tight ball. The cast has been taken off already and she’s finally able to move around freely.

Jae-Hee tucks himself into the crook between Hoseok’s shoulder and neck, picks out a flake of pastry and whistles happily.

For a crappy sort of day, Hoseok thinks as he takes his phone and accepts the group chat invitation, it didn’t actually end all that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing says "growth" like showing a pastry down someone's throat, I suppose.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed."_
> 
> _ \- Sylvia Plath _

Days come and go as usual, without too many disturbances. The only thing that sets them apart are Hayan’s vet check-ups and all the good information Hoseok receives during those. It’s pleasant, normal, calm. Like it used to be. 

And then Changkyun comes over unannounced one Saturday early morning, a stuffed tote bag in his hand and Jae-Hee fluttering happily around his shoulders.

Hoseok has had a rough night, his sleep plagued with nightmares and so - once he opens the door and sees the kid with the widest grin ever - he stands there for a long while, just staring until it actually becomes rude.

“Well?” Changkyun finally asks, perfectly flat but his eyes are sparkling, “Aren’t you going to invite me in like a good host?”

“Oh.” He gives himself a literal shake, “Yes, please come in.”

Hoseok steps aside, still slightly confused, but Changkyun doesn’t pay him any more attention. Instead, he immediately makes an honest to god beeline for where Hayan is sprawled in a spot of sunlight. His knees hit the floor and he immediately starts petting her, as if he’s unable to keep his hands off of her anymore.

“Hey there girl, nice to finally meet you,” he coos and Hayan opens one eye lazily and Changkyun lets out a string of cutesy noises as he strokes her, “Oh aren’t you a lovely thing! You know you are, don’t you?”

She accepts his scritch- scratches ever so gracefully, turns from her belly to her back and purrs loudly. Hoseok watches them with fondness, leaning onto the wall. Hayan adores affection and Changkyun gives it like it costs him nothing, petting, and scratching and talking to her.

Jae-Hee chirps as he pecks Hoseok’s nose gently, clearly offended he is not as adored and smothered with affection as the cat is.

“There, there, bright fella,” Hoseok says quietly, petting his head with one finger, “No need to get jealous, you know you’re one of a kind. You hungry, boy?”

There should still be some bits of liver in his fridge and if not, he can always boil an egg or two. 

“He literally just ate,” Changkyun says from the floor where Hayan transferred from the floor and into his lap. He looks absolutely enthralled with her, fingers constantly petting and stroking and she’s the definition of a melted puddle of cat-goo. “Oh yes, you like that, oh yes you do.”

“Would you, ah,” Hoseok clears his throat to get Changkyun’s attention back for a second, “You want anything to drink?”

He hasn’t made a proper supply run in a while but he’s sure he has some tea and coffee, maybe not the fanciest kinds but anything is better than nothing.

“Water’s fine, thank you, hyung.” He coos at the cat some more and she stretches out over his lap, paws dangling from both sides of his legs.

“This is revenge for spoiling Hee, isn’t it?” Hoseok grins at the sight, “You’re going to steal my cat.”

“Oh I would, she’s delightful! And she’s so pretty!” She is awfully pretty; with her snow-white fur and her bright, bi-colored eyes, Hoseok agrees with the statement wholeheartedly. 

He chuckles quietly to himself because he almost forgot how giddy and downright adorable Changkyun can be when he wants to and goes to fetch them something to drink. He putters around in the kitchen for a while, managing to find some nuts and dried fruit to munch on.

When he returns, the configuration has changed and Changkyun is sitting on the sofa now, while Jae-Hee and Hayan are greeting each other.

If Changkyun going crazy over the cat was adorable, there are no words to describe the sight of Hee rubbing his little head against Hayan’s. She bumps her forehead into him gently, so gently that Hee doesn’t even budge before her little nose twitches and she gives out a sneeze.

“I’ve been wondering where he’s been disappearing off to so often,” Changkyun says when Hoseok sits next to him. He’s smiling and he watches his familiar chirp around Hayan with a soft look, “He’s been so full of excitement lately whenever he was home even Wonnie felt the bleedthrough through the bond. It’s nice to see he’s found a friend.”

“To be honest, I was a little afraid that she’d try to eat him first chance she gets,” Hoseok says with a smile, “But either she’s not a fan of birds in general or Hee’s adorableness extends to house pets as well.”

Changkyun gives the two a long look - Hayan’s back to her curled ball position and Hee’s literally trying to snuggle with her - before he nods. “I wouldn’t put it past him. Is she well on the mend then?”

“Leg’s all good, her ribs are a bit tender still but the doctors were really happy with her last time we were at the Clinic. She’s also been gaining some weight at a good pace, so all signs say she’s bouncing back up all proper.”

“That is good news indeed. And she seems like some positive influence for you,” Changkyun smiles at him, then points to the bag he’s left at the door, “But, important things first. I brought her some presents.”

“Ah, Kyunnie, you didn’t have to,” Hoseok grimaces, flustered because Changkyun is still a student and barely with a part-time job.

“I know I didn’t need to, I wanted to. You don’t go meet pretty girls without bringing them gifts!” His smile turns somewhat sly then, “And speaking of pretty girls, I heard you made quite an impression on Sohyun.”

Hoseok pauses mid-move, hand with a few nuts frozen in the air as he blinks at the boy, “Who?”

Changkyun begins to laugh in earnest, throwing his head back. “Oh wow, can’t believe Kihyun was right. He’s going to be insufferable.”

“I… what?”

He had no idea who Sohyun was and what Kihyun could be right about, but apparently it’s hilarious cause Changkyun is in stitches. 

“Oh hyung,” Changkyun wheezes out and wipes his eyes, even if there aren’t any tears, the faker, “You visited our coffee house, didn’t you?”

“Yes, by accident really,” Hoseok explains, feels how the tips of his ears become oddly warm, “I was going home from a librarian meeting.”

“Oh yes, I know all about it. Ki was quite  _ livid _ you didn’t remember I worked there like I’d care about that at all. But he also told me Sohyun was making starry eyes at you the whole time and you didn’t even notice.”

That’s nice and all, it just leaves out one little detail as far as Hoseok’s concerned. Namely, “Who’s Sohyun?”

Changkyun downright  _ cackles.  _

“Our team leader? The other barista who was with Kihyun on his shift? Nice to see you’re out there flirting, despite stubbornly trying to upkeep your hermit image!”

Hoseok chokes on his water, spitting it all over his shirt as he coughs. 

“I did no such thing!” He manages, as he thumps his chest with one fist, ”I wasn’t… Kyun! I merely ordered coffee.”

“Not from what Ki told me!”

I dread to know what he actually said, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant,” Hoseok mutters under his breath, standing up to change his shirt, “Thing is, I didn’t flirt with anyone, I barely smiled at the girl.”

Changkyun makes a little noise in the back of his throat, as he twists on the sofa to look at Hoseok, “That wide smile of yours?”

“I… I don’t categorize my smiles like that?” He pats his hair down after it gets ruffled from c hanging the garment, but he can feel a stubborn tuft of it keep springing up, “Maybe it was wide? I don’t know. My work smile. I heard some visitors call it a nice one so…”

The smile on Changkyun’s face changes slightly, becomes less sly and more - Hoseok dreads to even think it - pitiful. 

“You really have no idea, do you?” He says quietly, “How people see you?”

He sighs, sits down again. It’s not exactly a subject he likes to address with anyone, as it makes him feel oddly empty. Hayan stirs on the floor at his movement, stretches herself and walks up, jumps into his lap. She bumps her head into his chin a couple of times, before curling up to get more sleep. His fingers tangle in her fur, strokes lightly and the purring starts almost immediately.

He always feels at peace when she’s near and now is no different, even when dealing with an uncomfortable subject and Changkyun’s pained eyes. 

“I know how most people  _ see _ me, Kyunnie,” he smiles at Hayan as she blinks lazily up at him. He loves her green and blue eyes, they make her so special, “Trust me, I had enough people come up at work to me, trying to give me their numbers or set up a date. I know people think I’m pretty. I know I _am_.”

“But you’re more than pretty, though.” Changkyun shifts a bit closer and after a second of hesitation, he puts his head on Hoseok’s shoulder.

He used to do that sometimes when they were still living together. He liked the close company and some of Hoseok’s best memories from their shared year include all four of them squished on the sofa, pressed in close as they watched some reality show. 

“It’s fine,” Hoseok mutters quietly, because Jae-Hee joined in the impromptu cuddling, nestling himself in his favorite spot on Hoseok’s shoulder. He’s so, so soft. Changkyun’s a large, warm weight on his side, while Hayan’s a small one in his lap. Hee’s a source of a single beam of it. “I don’t mind.”

“I do,” Changkyun says equally quiet and the moment slows down somehow, “Because Sohyun, when asked me about you, she was really sweet about it. Because I’ve seen people be drawn to you like a moth to a flame and you only nod, smile and do nothing. Because when something gets your attention, you light up like fireworks and then you stomp it all down. And it hurts, hyung. Hurts to see you waste away like this.”

“Kyun.”

“You’re more than a lack of soulmate. I just wish you could see that.” 

The words seem so odd, so wrong in Changkyun’s mouth that Hoseok throws him a look. The angle’s not exactly good to get a proper look, but even so, Hoseok sees that the softness from before is gone. There’s a tight line to his mouth and his brows are furrowed.

It makes Hoseok want to reach out and smooth them out with his finger like he sometimes does with Hee’s ruffled feathers. 

It’s also eerily familiar, that tight pinch of a mouth and Hoseok’s unable to pinpoint why. 

“I know,” he smiles at Changkyun because if anything, an upset Changkyun is not something anyone can deal with and Hoseok’s as susceptible to his pout as any other man. Hoseok hesitates for a second and then bumps his nose into Changkyun’s temple, causing him to squeak lightly, “I know, ok? And I know you have the biggest heart, but really, you don’t have to worry about me.” 

It’s not even a lie. He does know there’s more to life than having a soulmate. He’s read all about it. He’s just...doesn't exactly believe it, but that’s not something for Changkyun to know or understand.

“It's really painful, to see you like that, so subdued when I know you can be anything but.” Changkyun starts slowly, a bit uncertain, “And you know, you’re not the only one.”

“Yeah, I know. There’s the old man out there.”

“No,” Changkyun shakes his head and his hair tickles Hoseok’s cheek, “Some people just don’t… want one. Some are alone on purpose.” It sounds like it pains him to say out loud and Hoseok imagines it sort of does because Changkyun, for all his bluster and sass, downright  _ loves _ being and having a bonded soulmate and he wants everyone to be as happy as he is. 

And in all honesty, the moments where the bond flares between him and Hyungwon? When they lose track of everyone and everything around them, sometimes not even looking at each other? The look that crosses their faces when they hold hands? The seconds where Jae-Hee literally glows, his wings fluttering faster than ever when the two kiss? It all reminds Hoseok of what it was that enraptured him with the idea of having a soulmate. 

It reminds him of what he’s never going to find, to have but it’s been so long since Hoseok acknowledged that, he can now smile and reach out, tuck a wayward tuft of hair behind Changkyun’s ear. 

“Kyunnie, it’s ok. Really. Let’s not… let’s just have a nice early afternoon, ok? Now hey, show me what you bought.”

With a sigh, Changkyun lets go as he gets up obediently and goes to fetch the bag. 

“Ki actually helped me out, to pick some of them.” He says as he plops back down and Hayan flicks her ears, stares at him with genuine curiosity when he reaches into the bag, pulls out a stuffed, plush hamster, “He said they should fit her age and all.”

While he has no idea why Kihyun of all people would advise on toys for Hoseok’s cat, he was clearly right. Hayan goes absolutely crazy with the plush toy and Hoseok and Changkyun both take about a million pictures of her as she rolls around with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just soft bois being the softest friends. 
> 
> also: no plush or live hamsters have been hurt during the writing of this chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love”_  
― Gabriel García Márquez

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **IMPORTANT**: please note that both the fic rating and tags have been updated! Also alternating tenses aho'.

The thing is,-

The thing is, Hoseok really, _ really _ blames Changkyun for everything that has happened. Or so that’s what he tells himself on a warm early-June, Sunday morning, as he stares a post-it note that’s hanging on the door to his fridge. The longer Hoseok looks at it, at the neat lines, he’s not even surprised that handwriting on is as sharp as pretty as the one who it belongs to. 

_ “Thanks. Sorry.  _

_ -K. _ ” 

That’s all it says. In all honesty, it’s two more words than Hoseok could have expected in the first place. He smudges the ink with his thumb, watches it smear over the paper.

Hoseok sighs, drags himself into the bathroom and tries not to think too much of the previous night. There’s a faint throb at his temples and he squints at his reflection in the mirror. He sees the dark red and purple mark on his neck, traces it with his fingers gently and tells himself that his stomach doens't clench unpleasantly. When he undresses, his eyes are drawn the distinctive stain on his briefs and try hard as he might, memories hit him as hard as the cascade of water from the shower.

—-

They were in a club the night before, waiting for DJ H.One to come up and play his sets. He was the leading dj that evening, his first proper one and they came out to celebrate. Had a nice table booked, drinks were included and everything. The dance floor was packed already, the beat pulsing through the place. Changkyun was supposed to be there with them - it was him who talked Hoseok into joining, after all- but he disappeared in the crowd five minutes after Hoseok arrived, leaving him at the empty table with - a clearly and highly unimpressed by his behaviour - Kihyun.

They sat in some sort of strained silence for so long that Hoseok wanted to crawl out of his own skin. He drank his first beer. Some soju. Another beer and they were still silent. Hoseok was ready to do whatever to just break this stagnation between them. So he said the first thing that popped into his head. 

Unfortunately, that thing was a slightly disgruntled, “Do you think Kyunnie is doing this on purpose?” Kihyun’s eyes finally shifted towards him, brows knitting in a slightly confused manner so Hoseok just waved awkwardly between them. “This… weird you and me thing.”

“Oh. I’m pretty sure he is.” Kihyun said, sipping at his beer. He was back to watching dancing crowd, maybe looking for a familiar face (doubtful) or just trying not to look at Hoseok (much more probable). He looked pretty much at ease, relaxed in a way Hoseok couldn’t comfortably splayed out in his seat.There was a tick in his jaw however, one Hoseok has somehow learned to recognize as a clear sign of annoyance.

It was somewhat mind- boggling, how often he and Kihyun have been meeting over the course of the last two or three months. That was the weird thing Hoseok mentioned, where Changkyun has been organizing social events and going out and movie nights and whatnots. He’s proved to be quite talented in getting Hoseok to agree to his plans and even now Hoseok was unable to pinpoint how exactly was he doing that. It took a lot of pained smiles, pitiful sad eyes and something uniquely Changkyun, he supposed.  For four years Hoseok has managed to worm his way yout of social activities, managed to keep to himself. And then Changkyun decided to storm back into his life and wreak all sorts of havoc. 

And Kihyun happened to be a strange after-effect of this sudden uptick in Hoseok’s social calendar, present almost during every, single meet up.

Kihyun who was everything Hoseok was not. Who was defiant, sometimes downright rude. Who ridiculed the idea of soulmates and the bonds out loud and without care who was listening. When Hoseok asked, uncertainly and shyly about it, Kihyun’s face contorted into something difficult to describe and he spat out exactly how little he could care for a bond. 

Hyungwon seemed to particularly fond of riling Kihyun up and he did have a special talent for that, amping up displaysof affection and letting the bond flare between him and Changyun as if he wanted to throw it in Kihyun’s face, as if to say “ _ see, this is what you’re dissing and rejecting _ .” 

And who - for some reason- Hoseok ended up meeting with even outside of Kyun’s meddling and planning. While he was quite a regular visitor in the library, but Hoseok had also met him at the Animal Clinic (Hayan’s check-up and Kihyun brought in a bird with a broken wing), ran into him in the queue to the observatory and three times Changkyun dragged him along when visiting Hayan. 

Those were,- quite interesting visits, to say the least.

Mostly because Hayan - his gentle, sweet, made of fluff and love Hayan -  _ hated _ Kihyun. The first time, it took her a little while to notice there was someone new in the flat, as she was already being coddled by Changkyun and Hyungwon both, in some sort of cuddle induced nirvana. And then she noticed Kihyun, standing there and watching her with a pinched expression. For a second nothing happened but then Hayan let out the vilest hiss Hoeseok’s ever heard, her fur standing up before she bolted and hid under the rumpled blankets on Hoseok’s bed. 

Oddly enough Kihyun was the only one not surprised by the reaction, merely shrugging it off while Changkyun kept looking at him with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. The rest of the visit? It was awkward, to say the least. 

Later, they came round a few times usually at Changkyun's insistance or on one memorable occasion Kihyun came on his own, a favor to Kyun he said as he handed over a bag full of books. Hayan’s hiss was like that of a train letting off steam and she presented all of her teeth at him. Hoseok supposed it said everything he should know about Kihyun, that his golden-hearted cat hated someone’s guts like that.

Hosek sighed, downed the rest of his almost lukewarm beer, “You don’t seem particularly troubled by all of this. Quite ok actually.”

“Ehn,in all honesty, he could’ve thought of something worse than using Hyungwon’s DJ career to get us to hang out,” Kihyun shrugged, twirled his own empty shot glass in his hand. He really didn’t look disturbed by the idea, ” Just humor him. He’ll stop at one point if we go along with it.”

“I guess,” Hoseok agreed and scratched the back of his neck, uncomfortable like he almost always was in Kihyun’s presence. It was annoying, the realization that they seemingly could exist in two settings only - and that was either awkward or angry at each other. “I just didn’t think he would make this much of a deal of us not liking each other.”

“For one, I don’t like people in general, it’s not_ you _specifically that I don’t like, stop being so hung up about it, _” _Kihyun rolled his eyes at him and Hoseok thought that had to be probably the nicest thing Kihyun said to him and wasn’t _that _a lovely illustration to their strange relationship, “And secondly, I suppose it makes some weird sense to him, making us sit together or see each other every now and then,” he sighed, stretched out in his seat, “He’ll probably get tired of it soon, so as I said, lets just humour him. After all, you are good at it.”

For a second Hoseok just kept nodding along, not really paying attention to what Kihyun was actually saying, his mind going around the “ _ it’s not you _ ” part. He mulled over them, through the slight beer induced haze, tried to make sense. Then the rest of the words registered and he looked at Kihyun with surprise.

“I’m good at what, exactly?”

The way Kihyun’s eyes turned to him was so slow as if the movement itself was full of some sort of purpose. The lights glided over the sharp cut of his cheeks, hit his eyes enough to make them unearthly bright. It all made Hoseok think of all the slo-mo scenes in movies, of those important scenes when something makes or breaks.

“Humouring others,” Kihyun said then and his words had a crystal sharp edge to them, “I mean, that’s what you’re always doing, aren’t you?”

Hoseok stared at him for a moment; suddenly overwhelmed with the need to laugh out loud. For a moment, he thought they could actually hold a civil conversation, without any bite or snark. He looked at Kihyun, really took a good look at him and with a heavy heart he wondered how on earth someone who was so insanely pretty could turn out so, so cruel. 

“This what gets you off, Kihyun? ” He asked suddenly, as he felt so stupidly brave because of the drink he had. There was something that didn’t quite fit his own voice, but it made his point come across and Kihyun downright recoiled back. “Being so damn mean to others?”

The lights played across Kihyun’s face again; there were blues and greens and yellows, and they did nothing to hide the fact that his cheeks were flushed bright red.

If Hoseok could touch them, he thought - and tasn't that the most incredulous thought - they sure would have been so warm under his tingling fingertips.

“Am I wrong, though?” Kihyun asked then, shuffling a bit closer in his seat. His chin was jutted forward, jaw clenched tight, “Can you look me in the eye and with all conviction, with all that you believe in, tell me that I am wrong? That you’re not agreeing to all these meetings just because you don’t want to disappoint anyone else anymore?” 

That was the jist of everything though. There was no way Hoseok could do as Kihyun outright demanded of him and say that he was wrong. That he was hee just because he wanted to, because always, always there was Changkyun’s pout and Hyungwon’s disappointed look in the back of his mind, or Hyunwoo’s worried expression when Hoseok initially refused. 

It was unsettling, how quickly Kihyun managed to figure him out and how fast he’s taken to call him out like this. And then he just kept looking at Hoseok with those bright, burning eyes, a challenging gleam in them as he waited for a reply that he knew would not come. 

Feeling a sudden sick twist inside of his chest, Hoseok looked down, stared into his empty glass.

“Thought so,” Kihyun said so quietly that Hoseok was certain he wasn’t supposed to even hear it.

—-

Two or three hours later, he was a much better mood, a pretty - so, so pretty - guy pressing him against the wall. There was a hot, hot mouth working at the base of his throat, a lean, strong thigh pressed between his. Hoseok’s fingers were clenched at hair crunchy with styling products, but he didn’t, wouldn't care, not with the way their hips rolled and rolled, to the rhythm of dulled club music and the rush of blood.

He managed to get into two more heated, alcohol infused discussions with Kihyun - before he downright fled. Hosek just left him there at the table, a breath away from telling him to go and fuck himself, and stumbled drunkenly upon the dance floor. Kihyun, for all his seemingly delicate looks, managed to get under his skin on a good day like no one ever, add alcohol to the mix and Hoseok wasn’t even sure what could happen. 

Something decidedly not pretty. 

There, between flushed bodies, it was just too easy to get lost in the beat, to get carried away by the bass that revibrated through his bones and let be taken along with the dancing mass of people. Too easy to let the music pound the frustration out of him ,for the rhythm to entice him. It felt surreal, to be able to let go and breathe in a space where he was surrounded by lights, music and moving bodies.

He used to like dancing when he was younger; later, he used to sometimes watch Hyunwoo do some simple routines and even join in sometimes. Dancing seemed like good, a fun way to lose some of the tension he has always been carrying. And there, in the club, oh god, how he needed to let go of the tension, how he needed to lose that feeling of constant annoyance, of the need to snarl something utterly cruel at Kihyun and to see his face crumple. 

Hoseok never wanted to be that sort of person but Kihyun made it so hard not to be.

Sweat rolled down his neck, sunk into the collar of his already drenched t-shirt when he caught sight of a guy dancing nearby. He was of similar height, maybe barely an inch taller but unlike Hoseok, he was that much slender, muscles long and lean and not bulky at all. The loose, large collar of his shirt would dip with every one of his moves, revealing sharp collar bones and a swan long neck.

There was something indescribably fluid in his movements, his sheer presence enticing when he would undulate his hips and roll his body like a wave. His hair was sweat-drenched, clinging to his forehead and sharp cheeks and Hoseok was unable to take his eyes off of him.   
  
He didn’t want to. 

At one point the guy looked up from underneath damp bangs and he saw Hoseok watching him and the way his eyes darkened was so telling, so easy to catch and to understand. There was a subtle change to his movements, less carefree and definitely more purpose as he dragged his fingers from neck to waist, never looking away. Hoseok feet his skin tingle in some kind of phantom sensation.

He remembered Changkyun’s insistence for him to come with, using both Hyungwon’s music and a chance to meet someone as the winning arguments..

And he was pretty sure this was not what Changkyun had in mind,  _ per se _ , but there still were the remains of annoyance at Kihyun sizzling under his skin (‘ _ humouring others’ _ rattled around his head almost constantly) and the clear interest he saw in the guy’s eyes - the silent promise as he licked his lips, as he slid his own hands down his thighs - was good enough for Hoseok.

They gravitated towards each other slowly, inch by agonizing inch; it took a song after song after song and finally, the guy’s hands were on Hoseok’s hips as he was pressed in a long, live-wire line against the length of Hoseok’s back. His fingers were long, boney, surprisingly strong in a way that made something funny and hot coil tight in Hoseok’s tummy - guiding Hoseok’s moves to match his. Yes, he was taller and his breath was warm and damp at Hoseok’s ear.

They danced like that for something close to eternity, with not an inch of space between them and pressed close like that, Hoseok could tilt his head back, rest it on the guy’s shoulder. He felt those hands skim under his shirt, blunt nails drag across his skin and something unabashed tore itself from his throat. It felt so  _ good _ , so new and he closed his eye when he felt the guy press further in. There was no way to pretend that’s not his erection pressing against the swell of Hoseok’s ass. 

“Oh darling, aren’t you  _ something _ ,” he heard above the thump of music, over the rush of blood in his ears. The lips that grazed his ear were warm, chapped. 

_ Something _ was always better than  _ nothing _ , than  _ no one,  _ Hoseok thought as if in a fever, it’s way better, and then for once he’s so done with thinking. He grabbed the guy’s hand, in a rush of boldness he never knew he had, dragged it to where’s he’s hard and straining in his own tight jeans.

He didn’t want to say anything, too tired from the emotions he’s been exposed to in such a short time to form proper words, but he couldn’t be more clear with his intentions when that hand squeezes him hard. 

That’s how he ended up pressed into a bathroom’s stall wall,with the guy sucking and nibbling at his neck like there’s no tomorrow, clever fingers working both of their zippers open. The air was humid and warm, the fragrance of the air fresheners felt sticky on his skin. He didn’t manage to stop the wanton moan when they were both out and held in the guy’s larger palm. Everything was a little rough, but the guy's clearly not doing this for the first time (unlike Hoseok) and with precome and spit, he managed to make it pleasurable.  The feel of someone else's hand on him was so damn good, the string meaningless compliments in his ear - they were so tacky like lines from cheap porn, some awful variation of ‘ _ you’re so pretty like this’ _ \- still made his breath cut short and shorter, made him arch and groan. His hips moved without him even thinking, in short jerky movements to accompany the long, slow pulls and the glide of slick skin. 

It wasn’t something anyone would associate with him, Hoseok thought in a daze as he felt warmth pool in the lowest part of his belly, pool and spread. It was cheap and dirty and unsafe. It was all sex and no emotions involved. It was _not him_ and maybe it was exactly what he needed, he told himself as he clenched his fingers in dark hair, held on and waited for a release. 

The guy licked along his pulse, twisted his wrist just  _ so _ and Hoseok unraveled, toes curling inside of his shoes as he bit his lip not to be too obnoxiously loud. When he came, it was to the pulse of music and the image of sharp collar-bones behind his tightly closed eyes.

The guy followed soon, with a quiet grunt and a vicious, unpleasant bite at Hoseok’s skin.

The feeling of another’s body half-collapsed on his becomes uncomfortable very quickly once everything was over. Hoseok took a moment, panting hard as he stared at the red lit ceiling, feeling the need to back out of this, from underneath the stranger’s body covering his. The need is mutual it seems because after a moment of two the guy looked up. For the split of a second they eyes met, Hoseok managed to think that outside of crowd and away from the pretty light, the guy’s not as remarkable as he initially thought. The guy shot him a wide grin, flashed his teeth like he was a wolf and Hoseok was a mere sheep just devoured. “See you, sweet stuff,” he drawled up and reached out, rubbed a thumb over Hoseok’s cheek. 

The gesture would be sweet, gentle, if not for the cooling come clinging onto his fingers, then staining Hoseok’s skin and making his insides crawl. 

Then he was gone, the door closing softly behind him. Leaving Hoseok out of breath, out of his underwear and out of his mind alike.

He tucked himself in carefully, feeling oversensitive all over before he walked out of the stall. The bathroom was still miraculously empty so he took his time to wash up, try his best to fix himself up. Looking at his reflection, he sighed as he assessed himself, it would be pretty damn impossible to hide what went down. There was a bite mark at the base of his throat that made him cringe - he probably should have figured something like this would happen, given the oral fixation of his unnamed partner - that his collar was unable to hide. He could fix his hair with some water, but nothing would cover the tell-tale flush of his skin or the general post-release aura he had around him.

What the hell, he thought as he splashed cold water onto his face, scrubbing to wash it properly and erase the feeling of come-stained fingers touching him. He rubbed his lathered hand over and over the spot, making the skin more red than it already was. Maybe if he was lucky Kihyun had already left and Changkyun has returned. If anything, he’d very much rather deal with Kyunnie’s teasings than Kihyun’s… whatever it would be this time.

Once he deemed himself presentable enough, he slinked out of the bathroom, trying his best not to wince a little, as the oversensitivity had not yet passed. He moved through the crowd with some trouble, bodies bumping into him all the time but unlike previously, now it was uncomfortable instead of welcoming. He just wanted to get to the table and grab a drink, his last one of the night before he went home. 

When he got to the table, however, all of his worries and hopes - anything really - were immediately replaced with panicked worry, because Kihyun was still there, as alone as he was when Hoseok left him there. The difference was, that right now, he was half-way to oblivion - if the way his head hung limp between curled up shoulders was anything to go by. 

Or the line up of shot tumblers in front of him. Or the beer glasses that weren’t there when he left.

Or the way his moves resembled more that of a tortoise making its way through molasses.

“What the hell happened?” Hoseok asked as he slid into the chair. Kihyun turned in the direction of his voice and the absent ,blank look in his eyes was the most terrifying thing Hoseok seen in a long time. His cheeks were blood red, large splotches that slink down his neck while the rest of his skin seemed paler than before. 

Hoseok couldn’t be sure Kihyun can actually see him, that’s how out of it the other boy he seemed.

“Hey, Kihyun?” He moved in a little closer and took a risk to place a hand at Kihyun’s shoulder gently. Like everything about Kihyun, even its curvature was less round and more angular under Hoseok’s hand but it’s surprisingly easy to grab at, Hoseok’s fingers curling around it with ease and familiarity that should not be there.

But Kihyun merely shook his head slowly, brows furrowed in a mockery of his usual frown. He was either mulling on how to string words together or working out if whether he wanted to puke right then and there or not. In Hoseok’s eyes either was a high possibility. 

He looked around, hoping to spot Changkyun so he could leave him to deal with this sloshed mess, but no such luck. He probably would have more luck finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. 

“Kihyun,” he tried again and once again, the response was merely an unfocused look that Kihyun sent in his direction. It didn’t even fall on Hoseok’s face properly, unfazed and unseeing. Even his mouth looked slack, like he lost control over most of his facial muscles. A thought popped into Hoseok’s mind and it was an unpleasant one, one that made his skin crawl more than anything he did that night. “Has anyone been here? After I left? Kihyun?” He gave him a little shake for good measure. “Kihyun!”

“I ... “ Kihyun finally managed to say something and god, even that single pronoun came out so slurred Hoseok’ stomach clenched. He blinked again, eyes glazed and burning, “... no? I don’...” 

Oh. Oh god. 

Hoseok’s stomach sunk and without thinking he moved his hand, wrapped his whole arm around the small breadth of Kihyun’s shoulder. 

“Come on,” he said, gently hoisting Kihyun up and steading him immediately, as Kihyun’s legs were clearly unable to carry his pitiful weight. 

Kihyun made a noise that could mean a protest but then he leaned onto Hoseok’s side heavily, reeking of both soju and beer. Only when they manage to get out of the club, into the cool air, Hoseok fumbled for his phone. He texted Changkyun, telling him he took his drunk ass friend home and to pick both of their jackets up. It wasn’t that warm in the night to go without them, but truth be told, clothes were the last thing on Hoseok’s mind as he led Kihyun outside.

He waited a couple of minutes for a reply and wasn’t all that surprised to get none. And he then cursed under his nose and looked at Kihyun, still tucked into his side. 

He had no idea where Kihyun lived, exactly, and Kihyun didn’t really look like he was coherent enough to even remember the general direction. He’s gotten soft and pliant against Hoseok’s side, staring at the pavement and looking uncharacteristically docile. 

He was swaying on his fee a little, even when they were not moving, trying to hide his hands in the sleeves of his crumpled shirt. He looked strangely small. 

Breakable. 

Hoseok wrapped his arm around his boney shoulders more tightly, heard Kihyun make a soft, pitiful noise and made the only decision he could.

Because in all honesty the only thing he could do was to take Kihyun home with him and hope for the best.

\---

Hayan’s judgement felt palpable when he entered his home, with Kihyun half dragging his feet behind him. Her tail wiped furiously from left to right a couple of times, before she turned around and sauntered off. Hoseok chalked it up as a success that no clawing was involved and focused at the literal problem at hand.

Kihyun’s breath was damp and warm against his skin, with the way Hoseok held him close, face almost tucked into the curve of his neck. The small puffs of air made the bite mark on his neck pulse unpleasantly. He was still semi-awake probably out of sheer stubbornness that seemed to be the ruling trait of his personality. 

“Alright, come on,” Hoseok gave him a tiny shake to make him a little more vertical and a little less swooning, “Let’s get some water in you and then you’re off to sleep.”

Hoseok’s apartment wasn't particularly big, but navigating a drunk off his face grown man made it feel as big as a football field. By the time Kihyun has been handed the largest glass of water Hoseok managed to find, they managed to knock down a chair and bump into the table, causing the books on it to fall down. 

One more thing to deal with in the morning. 

“Do you want another?” Hoseok asked gently, his hand still on Kihyun’s shoulder once he was done.

To steady him, he told himself, but Kihyun didn’t really need steadying anymore, with the way he was leaning heavily onto the counter. Hoseok refilled the glass once Kihyun handed it over, then watched him drink. 

He didn’t seem very much sober, but he was taking slow, long gulps, his throat working rhythmically as he swallows. Hoseok found it oddly mesmerising because Kihyun actually had a surprisingly long, lean neck and all in all it’s a pretty sight. There was a lone bead of sweat that trailed down to the dip between sharp collar bones, peeking out from underneath the unbuttoned collar of his shirt. 

Hoseok retracted his hand abruptly, face heating up in realization that he was seeing the exact same features in Kihyun as in the club guy and that’s… that was something he definitely wasn’t ready to think about, not while still with a post-coital lightness in his tummy and a barely coherent Kihyun a step away, looking all sorts of disheveled in Hoseok’s own kitchen. 

Finally, Kihyun put the glass away and he finally took a look around. It was like he was becoming aware of his surroundings, taking in the sight of the kitchen. He bit his lower lip, hard enough for discoloration to set in and Hoseok fought off the urge to reach out and stop him from doing so. 

Then Kihyun looked at him, really looked at him and there were a lot of things Hoseok could anticipate, but not the way his face downright crumpled and not the shine of tears in his eyes as he stumbled forward. He pushed himself clumsily, bumpipng all of his weight int Hoseok before he pitifuly managed to keep himself somewhat upright. 

“Don’t,” he rasped then, clearly trying to blink the moisture and alcohol haze away. One of his hands was grasping at Hoseok’s already rumpled shirt, crushed the fabric into a tight ball above his heart, “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? Keep your sorry, skinny ass safe?” Hoseok asked, tried to untangle Kihyun’s fingers. His grip was surprisingly strong, thin fingers like a vice on the threadbare material. 

“That… what you did back there. Don’t.” Kihyun slumped further forward and he rested his forehead right above where his hand was clutched. He stayed there for a moment, just breathing while simultaneously taking Hoseok’s breath away. There was a wild tuft of hair standing up at the top of his head, ticking Hoseok’s chin. “Don’t do that again. Ever.”

Hoseok wanted to state very clearly then, that what he does or did was pretty much none of Kihyun’s business but then Kihyun looked up, eyes still watery and red and the rest of the air in Hoseok’s lungs went away. 

“It hurts.” He says pitifully and it had to be the alcohol talking because sober Kihyun would rather be skinned alive than say something like this. 

Still, Hoseok’s heart did something complicated inside of his chest, despite his mind doing it’s best to ignore the words.

“You’re drunk,” finally, Hoseok forced out his suddenly tight throat, hands limp at his side. There was a funny tingle in his fingertips, like he wanted to scratch an unreachable itch. 

“And you're, you’re,-” Kihyun slurred and even in his highly intoxicated stated, he managed to sound so stubborn, so sure of himself. It’s impressive, Hoseok thought with a tired sort of amusement, but then Kihyun continued with impressive dedication for a person who drowned all of his brin cells in alcohol, “Worth more than that, than a quickie in dirty bathroom.”

Something very warm and foreign pooled in his stomach at that, something tricky and dangerous and Hoseok shook his head. Kihyun had to be more drunk than he previously thought so. 

“Ok, you know what. It’s time for sleep, Kihyun. Or Kyunnie will have my head,” he forced his limbs to work and gently, so gently grabbed Kihyun by the elbows to guide him to the bed. “Come on.”

Kihyun literally deflated at that, went along quietly, just like he did back on the street. He was breathing loudly through his nose and Hoseok supposed it was a good sign. He did seem mostly out of it still, but a little less hazy and confused. 

Inside of his bedroom, Kihyun looked around, confused and unsure, lingering by the doorway. 

“I said it’s time for sleep,” Hoseok urged him in gently. Dealing with a drunk Kihyun was like herding in a scared animal, in a way, as he responded the best to small, careful touches and hush-hush words.

He found a clean shirt small enough not to dwarf Kihyun’s smaller frame, bid him goodnight and was dead set on leaving as soon as possible. He needed sleep too, needed to put this all behind him as soon as possible.His current plan included crashing on his sofa, sleeping of the remains of alcohol and sex and dreadfully dealing with the fallout in the morning. 

“Hyu,-hyung,” Kihyun muttered and Hoseok closed his eyes for a moment. 

He took a breath and turned around. Kihyun was staring at the tshirt in his hands, thumbs rubbing back and forth over the soft material. His shoulders were slumped again, and he looked - for the lack of better word in Hoseok’s tired mind - lost.

“Yeah?”

“I,- You’re worth m-more.” Kihyun said slowly, clearly struggling to keep his eyes open, “Than a soulmate.”

Hoseok remained silent for a while and then turned around again, “Goodnight, Kihyun.”

\---

He steps out of the shower and doesn’t really feel all that cleaner. His skin is tinged pink from the high temperature and the harsh scrubbing, but it feels pulled too tight over his bones and muscle. A headache starts to build up, a nasty alcohol induced one, crawling up his spine and into the front of his forehead quicker than his regular ones. 

There’s a couple of messages on his phone. 

He answers Changkyun first, assures him everything’s fine and that he’ll drop by later for dinner and explanation. He gets a million of emojis in reply and a “ _ fine, but you are not getting out of this _ ” and that pretty much all he expected. He does have a lot to explain he supposes, his nightly message to Kyun being nothing more than “ _ taking Kihyun home, too drunk, take jackets _ .” 

The other are form rom Kihyun, who walked out from his flat even before Hoseok woke up, leaving a made up bed, a neatly folded shirt and a post it note behind him. With a sigh Hoseok clicks on the messages, anticipating the succinct apology. 

“ _ I remember what I said _ ,” the text says an Hoseok feels something in his chest constrict, even more as he opens the next one. “ _ Everything. I meant it.” _

It’s… it’s nothing he could have expected. He’s not sure what to reply, or even if he should, when another message pops up and so does his heart-rate.

_ “I still mean it. Do what you what want with it. _ ”

Hoseok doesn’t know what to do with it so he drops the phone onto the table, and goes back to bed. Hayan walks up warily, nose twitching as she jumps into the bedding. She sniffs the pillow and honest to god sneezes and gives Hoseok the flattest look possible for a cat. 

The pillow smells like Kihyun, Hoseok thinks and closes his eyes tightly. Maybe he can ignore the faint fragrance of cologne, ignore the memories it evokes, ignore the jumble of thoughts.. 

Hayan starts purring from where she’s curled into a ball next to his head she helps to drown out everything he doesn’t want to deal with. He’s almost asleep again, the pain in his head slowly receding, when he sits up. The realization dawns on him, kick-starts his heart.

_ You’re worth m-more. Than a soulmate.  _

_ You’re more than a lack of soulmate, hyung. _

Well, then. Changkyun’s going to have some explaining to do himself, it seems. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“There is a crack in everything._  
That's how the light gets in.”  
― Leonard Cohen 

It’s about two weeks later after that disastrous clubbing evening when Hoseok sees Kihyun again. Not that he’s been planning on seeing him, but then again, he never did and somehow always ended up meeting up with Kihyun one way or other.

It’s almost the end of the work day and he has been slumped over his desk for hours now. He’s already had cards and stickers filled out and has been typing in the details into the library's register so diligently, his fingers are starting to feel numb. They’ve made purchases and gained a large number of new donations, so that in his head he is already making plans for some proper reshelving during the mid-semester break, when he hears footsteps approaching.

Hoseok doesn’t raise his head just yet, waits for the inevitable greeting to sound first. But the steps, they falter and he raises his head in some sort of confused surprise that goes away the second he sees the person staring back at him. And of course it’s him, Hoseok thinks briefly, of course there’s Kihyun with what has to be the most conflicted expression Hoseok has ever seen.

Clearly, Kihyun hadn’t planned on seeing Hoseok again as well. There is a long, heavy moment of awkwardness that stretches between them and Hoseok is somewhat uncertain how to break it, when Kihyun suddenly deflates and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Of course  _ you’re _ the one I’m supposed to look for,” he says finally instead of a greeting and it’s so casually biting, so  _ him _ that Hoseok barely stops himself from both rolling his eyes and sighing in relief. “The librarian recommended you as the all source for anything soulmate related. Said I should ask you if I’m having trouble.”

Kihyun somehow manages to sound annoyed, offended and hesitant all at the same time. It’s a rare talent, Hoseok is more than sure of that and for the very first time Hoseok ever since he met Kihyun, he is grateful for it. It helps break the tension that solidified itself between them, makes it crumble like old corosed walls. .

“Oh,” Hoseok says, putting down his pen and tilting his head to the side as he regards his visitor. Kihyun looks ruffled and it makes him think of Jae-Hee suddenly, with his feathers all fluffed up and the reply just rolls off of his tongue without too much thought, “Oh wow, you must have  _ hated  _ hearing that.”

The annoyance on Kihyun’s face falls away, makes room to surprise and then he honest to god cracks a highly amused smile. As if Hoseok talking back was that unusual ( _ it is, _ a part of him whispers viciously).

“Wow indeed,” Kihyun says after a moment and he finally walks up closer, thumbs hooked into the loops at waistline of his jeans. “Keep this up, hyung and I’ll start coming around more often just to see  _ you _ and not your dusty tomes.”

Hoseok raises a brow in what he hopes is a mocking manner, “Why, don't you have enough opportunities to disrespect your elders outside these fine walls?”

It’s surprisingly easy to joke back like that - even if Hoseok feels it’s less joke than a truth,really - and for a moment there Kihyun looks absolutely delighted with the response. The Hoseok sombers up and rests his elbows on the desk. 

He’s working here after all. 

“I’ve seen you reading up on the subject of soulmates for weeks now.” He cuts the banter short, pointing to a nearby chair with a wave of his hand. “What is so hard to find that you need my help?”

“Familiars.” Kihyun’s smile is gone as well when he says the word and Hoseok’s left to blink in surprise.

While it’s almost common knowledge now that Kihyun doesn’t exactly have the most stellar opinion about familiars, he still was the younger one of a bonded pair and as such, Kihyun had definitely more experience with a familiar than Hoseok ever could.

If anything, he probably could tell Hoseok new things about familiars than the other way round. 

“You don’t have much on familiars, do you?” Kihyun’s shoulders slump ever so lightly after a moment of silence and he looks unhappy.

It’s a disturbing sight. 

“I mean, I can check if we have more than the regular guidebooks and encyclopedias?” Hosek offers, but the hesitation is all too clear in his voice. “It’s not a very looked up topic, I’m afraid.”

Kihyun groans, drapes himself across the chair in the utmost dramatic fashion and literally glares daggers at his own feet. 

“Just my luck,” he says after a while, “The one time I want to do anything related to all of this load of crap, there’s no information to fall back on.”

“Sorry? It’s just that people don’t usually care enough for or about familiars.” 

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Hoseok is struck by how true that statement is. The only one Hoseok ever knew to actually  _ care _ about their familiar is Changkyun, who cares for his with unbridled abandon. Jae-Hee was downright spoiled rotten and not just by Changkyun himself.

By literally  _ everyone _ .

Hosek kept food for the bird in his fridge, just so he would always have a treat for Hee whenever it would pop up at his place. Hyungwon mumbled at the bird but they often slept curled up together, the flycatcher tucked safely into on arm. 

Even Kihyun himself would allow Jae-Hee to nest up in his hoodies, during his visits. 

But yes, Changkyun was an exception and usually, no one cared. 

The records too often stated all the cases where a familiar would disappear once its pair was bonded. As if it was enough of its existence - fulfilling its purpose for being. Some, rarely but still remained as pets for a couple of years. But they never lived half as long as their animal counterparts. 

“I can look up some things for you later on.” Hoseok offers carefully and adds as explanation, “I got more access to more than regular books here, there are some recordings and news clips accessible to workers only.”

Kihyun gives him a long assessing look, bites his lip lightly as he tilts his head to one side. His eyes narrow lightly in a strangely familiar manner.

“You’d do that for me?”

“I offered, didn’t I?” He waits for Kihyun’s hesitant nod to continue, keeping his eyes on Kihyun’s face, “Look, I’ll finish my things here and I’ll see what I can find. Keep in mind what I told you thought, that it’s not a very widely discussed topic though, or a popular one. I can’t promise anything.” 

“Not a popular one, indeed,” Kihyun scoffs slightly before he pushes himself back to his feet, sways lightly on his soles. He seems hesitant for a second, “There’s something I need to take care off first, but I should be back in an hour? If you won’t mind? I can help out, then.”

Hoseok glances at the clock; there’s still two hours left of opening time. It’s not much, but he knows this library’s resources and stock by heart, it’s more than enough time even if he were to start in over an hour. He can easily do this on his own in all honesty.

It would be nice to have some company for once, though, to have someone to go over the findings with. Even if said someone is more prone to dissect and ridicule every and any find that Hoseok might come up with. 

“If you want to,” he shrugs nonchalantly, writing down a little note that he puts on the side of his screen. His own preference for company is one thing, but in all honesty, if Kihyun needs to take care of other affairs, Hoseok can handle this on his own. “I can also leave whatever I find at Changkyun’s, so he can pass it on to you at work or something.”

“That’s fine, I’d rather not involve everyone in this. Especially Kyun with his ideals and ideas.” Kihyun rakes his fingers through his hair, slicking it back and Hoseok can’t really blame him from not wanting to involve Changkyun any further. He gives Hoseok a look that can be described only as uncertain as he rakes a hand through his hair, makes it stand up a bit. “Thank you, hyung. I know it’s… just. Thanks.”

Hoseok blinks in surprise, “It’s really nothing.”

Kihyun looks like he wants to argue, but then he gives a curt nod and turns around. As he watches Kihyun leave - and the walk is  _ so _ Kihyun, head high and back so damn straight when he’s half of Hoseok’s size and still manages to look larger than life - Hoseok thinks that was actually the most flustered he’s ever seen Kihyun yet. 

Considering the events two weeks prior, that’s saying something. 

\---

The one factor Hoseok didn’t take into account all that properly when he said he’d help out was the fact how exactly  _ little _ was there on the subject of familiars. 

He might have fiddled with his regular tasks for about half an hour after Kihyun left, his eyes fluttering to the little tiny note before he gave up on pretending and dug into the system as much as his access allowed him. It took him less than forty minutes to gather everything around on his desk. 

It was pitifully little. 

Couple of books, few newspaper clips and three tapes of recorded lectures, which were more of an audiobook recording than actual lecture. He contacted a few of the other libraries, asking them for information. From the replies he got,it seemed others had even less materials to base upon. The city hall’s official registers would be no help in the matter whatsoever, as familiars were only mentioned there, along with the date of it’s manifestation, in the bonded pair’s description. 

_ People don’t usually care enough for or about familiars. _

His own words echo in his head, as he rubs one temple in deep thought. He leans back in his chair, stares at the miserable collection of materials.The sight of it is disheartening. It makes him realize how little soulmates care for their familiar.

It also makes him realize he too - for all his love and passion for the subject of soulmates and everything related - never really  _ cared _ about familiars and what happened to them. At first he read some, sure, in his haste to devour every piece of information on the topic, but once he passed his twelfth year and it was clear he was not the younger one of a pair, he dropped it like a hot potato. 

And later, well. 

There was no point in looking into anything else, was there. 

It’s a sad and bitter realization that dawns upon him. That despite their humongous role, the only way familiars were treated was just as a means to a certain goal, discarded after as easily as a pair of worn out boots. 

“Did something offend your delicate senses or are you developing more facial expressions than polite interest?” 

Hoseok looks up, a retort on his tongue already but he swallows it down at the sight of Kihyun standing there - and god, how the hell did he manage to move so quietly anyway - with a regular paper cup in one hand and a larger one in his other. The smell of caramel that wafted from it was so deliciously strong and there was a fair portion of whipped cream on it and Hoseok shuts his mouth quickly, least it starts to water for real. 

“You aren’t supposed to bring drinks into the library,” he reminds Kihyun after a moment. 

“It would be rude if I threw it out now,” Kihyun argues as he walks up, drags a chair with his ankle. 

It makes a long, loud screech against the floor and Hoseok cringes, wants to cover his ears at the high pitched noise. He waits until Kihyun plops down in the chair, right next to him. 

“And since when do you care about what’s considered rude or not?”

“Since I paid for it and it’s for you,” he holds out the whipped cream concoction in such a manner that Hoseok doesn’t even manage to think, he just takes it from him and Kihyun grins, “There. Now it’s yours. You can throw it out if it offends your precious rules so much.”

Hoseok takes a careful sip before replying, “You really are obnoxious, anyone ever told you that.”

Despite everything, Hoseok is smiling. Because how can he not, when he’s got a warm cup of what he can smell is a macchiato, there’s thick syrup on the whipped cream and it all tastes perfect. 

Kihyun laughs then. Really laughs. 

He’s got the dorkiest laugh, not only because of how it sounds, with a little wheeze that tops it off, but it rolls through his whole body. It makes him throw back his head, makes his eyes disappear into tiny crescents and causes dimples to appear on the top of his cheeks. 

He looks ridiculous like that Hoseok thinks and smiles even wider, even as he shushes him, reminds him they’re in a library before someone else comes and does that more sternly.

Kihyun gives out one last wheeze, slumping in his chair. 

“Oh my,” he chuckles, makes a show of wiping at his eyes, “A lot of people actually did, though no one was ever as non-malicious as you were. You really don’t have a bad bone in your body, do you?” 

Hoseok doesn’t answer, because what can he say? That he just tries to live his life in a way that would make his mother proud of raising a good man?

“Thank you,” he says instead nad raises his coffee in a salute, “You didn’t have to.”

“Of course I did,” Kihyun disagrees almost instantly and it would probably kill him if he didn’t, “ You’re doing me a favor. I had to return it.”

_ Had to _ .

He shakes his head gently, chases an unpleasant thought away.

“I would have helped you, either way,” he reminds him instead, “This is literally my job.”

“Your job is reshelving, making stickers for books and replacing the old ones and maintaining the counter.” Kihyun frowns at him, “Not doing some old librarians work for her just because it’s easier for her to dump this on you with the flimsy excuse of ‘ _ oh that’s his passion’.”  _

There’s something hidden in those words, something laced so subtly through them that Hoseok isn’t sure he’s hearing them right. Because Kihyun’s tone is harsh as usual, but it almost sounds like he’s harsh not _ at _ Hoseok, but _ because _ of him. 

He doesn’t really know what to think about it and the silence is stretching into awkward territory again, so Hoseok clears his throat and looks anywhere but the boy next to him.

“Look, before we start, I want to thank you again for,- for back then,” Kihyun says quietly after a while and he’s so awkward as well. Hoseok chances a look at him, sees that he’s sipping his own coffee and clearly ignoring the fact that his cheeks are pinking up. “You could’ve just left my sorry skinny ass on the sidewalk really. And you didn’t.” 

Hoseok rubs the back of his neck, shifts a little in his seat. Theoretically, he could have done exactly that. The thought never crossed his mind, though. 

“I don’t think I would be able to look myself in the eye if I did so.” He says softly and that gets him a look. He holds it and words bubble out of him without thinking,”I don’t have to like you to be kind to you.“

Kihyun makes a choked sound at that, barely manages to swallow his beverage before he thumps at his chest a few times.

“Oh wow,” he wheezes, coughing a few times into a closed fist, “Ok, that’s fair, I deserved that.” 

“I…” Hoseok shakes his head and decides not to lie, ”Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t leave you out there in a state like that.”

“It was still more than anyone else in your position would do.” Kihyun hums then in his throat, clears its after a second. “Yeah, so, ah, how’s your cat doing?”

Hoseok can’t really help it and he smiles - wide and unabashed - as always when he’s thinking about her. She’s become his literal ray of sunshine, so cuddly and so open with her affection - Hoseok’s woken up daily by gentle head butts and purrs, her little wet nose pressed against his cheek. She sleeps with him when he goes to bed, clambers on his lap wherever he sits down. 

He loves her and it’s so easy to care for her, despite his earlier fears and worries.

“She’s doing amazing,” he smiles at Kihyun again because something, somehow clearly has apparently shifted between them, because Kihyun asks about his cat which hates him with a passion, “No remains of limp and the food’s you suggested is so good for her.”

For a second there Kihyun looks perplexed before he gets his face under control, “How do you know I suggested the food?” 

“You really think I would believe for a second Hyungwon would know anything about cats?” Hoseok is the one to roll his eyes this time, “But as I said, it really works for her. She’s actually the prettiest and her fur is so soft?”

“God, of course you're that whipped for a cat,” Kihyun groans but he somehow makes it sound fond so Hoseok doesn’t take offence, before Kihyun speaks up, “I’m glad I was wrong about you.”

Hoseok throws him a look, but Kihyun keeps his eyes averted again. 

“The truth is, you weren’t,” he says quietly after a while, slowly choosing his words because things come together in his head all of the sudden, “And you know that. That’s why you told me everything I should do, after all, in that obnoxiously rude way of yours.”

Kihyun doesn’t reply, but his eyes are wide with surprise when he turns his head and for a second he looks as startled as Hayan gets when Hoseok drops something. 

It’s endearing.

“Ok, look,” Hoseok hears his voice cracks a little and he takes his time to drink ip the rest of his coffee. “As I said, there’s not much on familiars in general. It would probably help if I knew what we’re actually looking for.”

There’s a flicker of surprise on Kihyun’s face - Hoseok sees it in the tiny widening of eyes, in a miniscule opening of the mouth. It’s so brief, so quick that if he wasn’t looking, Hoseok would miss it entirely. 

“I want to know if I can- if it’s possible to severe my bond with my familiar.”

Hoseok made the mistake of taking a sip just before Kihyun spoke out and now the macchiato goes straight through his nose. Now he’s the one coughing and wheezing like a fool.

“You want to do  _ what? _ ” He’s ignoring the screech like quality of his voice because what.

Kihyun actually manages to look even more tightly would than usual as he hands over a tissue, brows furrowed tightly over his eyes. His right knee is bouncing up and down, his shoe tapping out a nervous rhythm.

“Do you have any idea what it actually means to have a familiar?” 

Hoseok’s too busy blowing out the remains of coffee out of his nose to properly reply to that, but he guesses his look must have carried over enough because Kihyun actually manages to look sheepish. 

“I mean it as in, book knowledge. Or if Kyunnie told you anything,” he adds hastily and waits for Hoseok to be done with the clean up. 

“No. I don’t.

“A familiar makes you feel everything.” Kihyun manages to keep his tone perfectly flat - he could be talking about the weather - and he’s managed to school his face into a pleasant disinterest. 

But his left hand, the one not occupied holding a cup of coffee, is now over his heart, rubbing small circles as if he’s in constant pain. 

Hoseok’s brain comes to a rapid halt, all thoughts silenced. 

“Everything, as in…?” Hoseok asks gently, turning all of his attention to him. He rests his elbows on his knees as he leans slightly forward, focused on the boy in front of him. 

“As in everything my soulmate feels, more or less.” Kihyun bites his lip again, mulls over something, “You know, just to make things interesting. Not only you have to be stuck with someone for the rest of your life, something decided it will be fun to fuck up the youngers life like this as a bonus.”

Briefly Hoseok wonders how to ask the next question, how to be even more gentle, but Kihyun's always been pretty blunt so that’s what he aims for. 

“Do you think it’s because you haven’t…” and still he hesitates, unsure how to word it and not come of accusing.

“Haven’t pursued my perfect companion for life? That’s what you wanted to say, didn’t you?” Kihyun states calmly and Hoseok only nods, because well, that’s true, that was exactly what he wanted to say. “Not really. Ever since my familiar manifested on my birthday, I’ve been able to feel what they feel.”

“Oh.” Hoseok merely says. 

Because that’s the only thing he can say, isn’t it. He knows Kihyun is almost the same age as he is, a couple of months apart, which means Kihyun has been living the last twelve years in emotional stereo. 

Maybe there is a reason to Kihyun’s prickly attitude. 

“Yeah,” Kihyun sighs, looking all sorts of resigned, “ _ Oh _ is right.”

For a moment, Hoseok tries to imagine how life like that looks. How it would feel like, to go about his own day and struggle with an overdrive of emotions not only his but someone else’s as well. How long before it would drive him mad.

He blinks. Now there was a thought. Maybe that was the driving force behind the bonds being formed so quickly, to ensure that the younger one does not lose their mind. He reaches out and makes another note, to look into later. 

Kihyun’s giving him an odd look however and Hoseok clear’s his throat.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” 

And he is, too. He means what he said, because what Kihyun said… it’s disturbing. While Hoseok never wondered what it meant to have a familiar, he never imagined it would be something so intrusive. Something that potentially could be so damaging. 

Something so - in all raw and ugly truth - so nonconsensual. 

“Thanks,” Kihyun says quietly, lowers his eyes and Hoseok leans forward even further. He barely hesitates, places a hand on one of his knees.

“I mean it.” It’s like an echo of the message he himself received and Kihyun knows it, with the way he looks up at Hoseok with oddly bright eyes. “It’s not fair, not to them and certainly not to you.” He says with conviction and then moves away, not to push his luck and Kihyun’s boundaries in one fell swoop. 

“Yeah,” Kihyun looks and sounds resigned and in all honesty, Hoseok can’t really blame him. “It’s not… I mean, it’s not like I get everything from them. Like a paper cut or a burn, that doesn't come through to me. But their emotions, there’s a lot of bleedthrough even without the bond, every single day. So yeah, you’re right. It’s not fair. I never got a say in this. My soulmate  _ still _ doesn’t get a say in this and they’re just....” he makes a strange hand movement, as if that would help and described everything. 

Hoseok reaches for the first book from his meager pile, traces the half faded lettering on the cover with his fingers.  _ “The importance of familiars - a study on the nature of familiars and their necessity in securing a proper bond _ ” is one of the most sought out books, covers the basic facts and deal with some myths. Hoseok read it a couple of times himself, curious when he still had hope for his destiny. 

There’s nothing in it about the subject of kihyun’s interest, though. He’s quite sure of it. 

His throat feel unpleasantly tight, dried out god knows when. When he swallows, it’s like swallowing glass. 

Kihyun is quiet next to him, with his shoulders slumped a little as he stares at the materials Hoseok has managed to gather. They’re all considered materials to be read in the library only and even with his clearance, Hoseok is unable to check them out and take home. 

The clock in the main hall strikes six times, making him jerk slightly and then the announcement reminding the remaining visitors to take their leave echoes through. Kihyun sighs, stands up and the chair screeches against the floor again. 

His face is closed off and Hoseok doesn’t even think about it, just reaches out, wraps his fingers around one thin wrist. He feels Kihyun’s pulse, strong and steady under his palm.

“You ever been in a library after hours without falling asleep first?” He asks when Kihyun looks at him. 

The fragile hope he sees in Kihyun’s eyes somehow makes his heart bleed. 

\---

It’s quite late when they finally leave the building, their eyes red rimmed, both of them yawning behind their hands. They look at each other and they remain silent for a moment. 

“I’m sorry we couldn’t find anything,” Hoseok finally says and he means it so much.

Kihyun shakes his head, yawns again, “It was a long shot either way.” He toes the tip of his shoe against the sidewalk, before he looks up at Hoseok from underneath his messed up fringe, “Thank you.”

He looks tired, rumpled. It’s different from when he was ripped bare of all of his defences by copious amounts of alcohol. Less terrifying, when it’s Kihyun himself who’s allowing Hoseok to see something different in him, something indescribably softer. 

Hoseok feels like he’s been given a chance to learn more about Kihyun than he ever wanted to, than he ever thought he would want to. And with a start, he realizes he did want to. And he’s also been given a chance to learn something not just about Kihyun, though; he’s gotten a rare insight into the one topic that permeated all of his life, altered his life choice. 

He looks at Kihyun then, at the way his eyes drop and the way his hair was tousled, making him look more approachable than ever. And so he that takes a chance to make that approach, both figuratively speaking and not, as he steps a little bit closer. 

“Is it… is it always bad?” 

Kihyun sighs, rocks on the soles of his feet for a second as he thinks about his answer.

“It used to be very bad. Nowadays, every now and then. Overall I guess, they’re… they’re doing better than they used to. In a way. Not always and not all the time, but, yeah,” He rubs a hand over his heart. “It’s there.”

"Always unhappy?"

Kihyun looks away then for a second, "They're rarely happy."

“Your soulmate must be one of a kind if you still care so much for them, despite everything,,” Hoseok says quietly, unsure how his words will the received and there’s a slightly bitter smile tugging at Kihyun’s lips upon that.

“I suppose everyone thinks that about their soulmate.”

“Well. You know. I wouldn’t know.” Hoseok cracks a smile, expecting a huff at his own expense but nothing like that takes place.

Instead, Kihyun’s jaw ticks in an all too familiar way for a second, before he shakes his head. He sighs then and looks up at the sky. The gold-orange lights of the city wash over his face, deepen the angular lines and makes him look soft-sharp all at the same time. 

“Speaking of which, how long have you known?” Hoseok asks and there’s no accusation in his words, just curiosity. 

It says something about them that Kihyun doesn’t bother to pretend he doesn’t know what’s Hoseok’s talking about, he just replies without hesitation.

“Even before I met you. Kyunnie, he once or twice went off about a hyung of his, soulmate-less and alone. He always sounded so sad and you of all people should know how hard it is to stand a sad Kyun. So I let him talk. If it’s worth anything, it wasn’t exactly his most sober moment when he first told me. And he never mentioned your name, but with the way he hangs onto your every word, it’s not that difficult to connect the dots.” Kihyun toes the pavement a little, throws Hoseok a look, “That’s why I said it makes sense to him.”

It only takes a second for Hoseok to connect the dots.

“You think… you actually think Changkyun is so dead set on arranging ways for us to meet up now and then just because I don’t have a soulmate and you don’t want one? That’s,” Hoseok says slowly then groans, rubs a hand over his face, “You’re right, that sounds like the exact sort of thing he would do, yes.”

Kihyun cracks a tired smile, “Told you it probably makes sense in his head. In his head  _ only _ I might add.” 

Hoseok laughs at that. It does make an odd kind of sense, yes, because Changkyun is the type to think of something like that and believe in it with his whole heart. He shakes his head fondly and gives in, reaches out and ruffles Kihyun’s hair a little. It’s something like he’d do to Kyun and but it’s Kihyun and all he gets is a tiny swat at his hand. He laughs more, despite the bone deep weary creeping up on him. 

Kihyun is… he’s actually good company. Hoseok’s had a lot of time to think about it over the past two weeks, realize how there were flashes of something other than spite and razor edged replies. How underneath some of the most crude words, acts of kindness were hidden, like bringing painkiller and food or giving advice by yelling at someone.

“I’ve been wondering. If you could,” Kihyun starts slowly, clearly in no hurry to depart and that’s fine, because Hoseok’s not in a hurry as well. “Would you change with me?”

“For the emotion bleedthrough?” Hoseok asks and that actually makes Kihyun huff out a laugh as well.

“No, for my soulmate. Your lack of one, for the real life mine.”

He opens his mouth, eager to answer without too much thought that yes of course, but somehow he closes it without a word. He looks a Kihyun, really looks at him. Takes in the weary etched into the lines of his pretty face, the way his fingers are in constant motion and how he carries so much on those bony shoulders of his. 

Thinks how stubborn Kihyun is, how hard he plants his feet against the tide of destiny and looks it in the eye, damn set on making his own rules, of shaping his own life. Thinks of how alcohol showed him a boy with soft eyes and a heart big enough to hurt and care for a person he doesn’t even know that well. He remembers the feel of Kihyun’s forehead pressed against his chest, the tremble of his fingers as he held onto Hoseok’s shirt.

“No, not without them knowing,” he says slowly and Kihyun stays silent, nods in a way Hoseok can only translate as unhappy, sad. Hoseok takes a deep breath, tries his best to find the right words because somehow, snarky Kihyun he knows how to handle, or angry one or cruel one. Sad Kihyun makes something inside of him bleed. “You’re...I mean. There’s the whole dislike thing going one between you and me, and still I can say that you’re one of the strongest and kindest people I ever knew. Just for that, they should get to meet you ‘cause I know that, given a chance, they would be proud to have you as their soulmate. And I wouldn’t want to take that chance away from anyone.” 

Kihyun looks at him, wide eyed and with his mouth open. Hoseok’s left to think how pretty he is when he lets emotion show up on his face, when he doesn’t cover it all up with snrk and indifference. How nice it is to look at him, how approachable and soft he looks when he’s frazzled beyond measure. 

“What is it?” He asks after the silence stretches on and on and they’ve been simply standing under a street lamp, looking at each other like one to cover of a cheap book. Absentmindedly, Hoseok's glad it's not raining to complete the cliche. 

“Nothing,” Kihyun shakes his head, shoves his hands in his pockets. When he smiles at Hoseok, it’s small and all the more real and so much brighter than the street lamp. “Just that maybe, you’re actually the one who is one of a kind, ‘Seok.”

\---

Hoseok’s just finished brushing his teeth, just seconds before he goes to bed when he reaches for his phone. Types out without thinking, hits send before he can change his mind. 

Despite the late hour, the reply comes immediately. He sees his own text first hen he opens the messages. He stares at the string of letters. It’s something that’s been rattling around his mind for days now - ‘ _ You said it hurts. Back then. _ ’

Kihyun’s reply is short, ‘ _ It does.’ _ There’s another beep,  _ ‘I told you. You’re worth more than that.” _

Hoseok groans, presses the phone to his forehead for a second. “He’s the most infuriating person I have ever met, Hayan,” he says to the cat, upon hearing the click clack of her claws on the floor.

She meows at him, butts her head against his chin once she gets on the bed. Clearly, she agrees with the statement. The phone lights up again, so bright and so close it actually hurts his eyes.

_ “And to make it clear, hyung,”  _ he can literally hear Kihyun’s voice as he reads the words,  _ “I never said I don’t like  _ ** _you_ ** _ .”  _

The snort he gives out startles Hayan out of her sleep and she looks so offended Hoseok is unable to help himself. He presses several kisses to the flat top of her head, until she starts purring again and curls into a tight little ball. 

He reads the last message over and over again and doesn’t know how to read it.It sounds like a lie but Kihyun is unapologetic enough not to lie in something like this. Because he had tears in his eyes when he was drunk out of his mind and he was unbelievably real and honest tonight, in the flickering lights of the city. 

Hoseok takes a breath and a chance to believe in what Kihyun wrote. 

“ _ Ok _ ,” he sends back after a long while. He puts it the phone mute and then places it on the nightstand. Hayan opens one eye before she nuzzles in closer, all warm and soft. He pets her lightly, mind slowing down to the sound of her happy purring until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **makes frustrated noises**


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There's a little bit of pain in every transition, but we can't let that stop us from making it. If we did, we'd never make any progress at all._
> 
> _ \- Phil Schiller _

By the time September rolls in, Hoseok somehow finds himself with a regular pack of friends and a set social schedule that includes home-cooked dinners every two weeks.

If he thought Changkyun could be convincing, there were no words to describe the magic that Kihyun spun to have everyone agree to pitch in for groceries instead of living permanently on take-out food. He even - however begrudgingly - said he’ll cook every second time, which seemed to be the winning argument. 

Though when he tasted Kihyun’s food for the first time, he almost demanded weekly dinners instead and an explanation of why they haven’t been doing this for months now. 

“Kihyunnie, I might need you to move in permanently,” Hyunwoo sighed happily after all have been literally licked clean and Kihyun was already bustling around the apartment, picking up the dishes to take them back to the kitchen.

“Thank you for the offer, hyung, but I value my sanity too much,” he grinned, his eyes sliding to Changkyun for a second. He was lying on the floor all star-fish like, making little noises that most probably wee meant to describe his content. “I get enough of him as it is.”

“Rude,” Changkyun muttered from his spot on the floor, his eyes closed all the time, “You adore me and your life would be empty without me.”

“Oh yes, you are right, Kyunnie, how would I ever live without your stupid ideas and constant meddlng”

Hoseok laughed then, feeling full of good home-cooked food and warm, and happy and then he went to help with the washing up. And if he ended up with the front of his shirt wet with suds and Kihyun rolling his eyes at him over and over again, well. 

Kihyun was grinning right back at him, wiping the plates as Hoseok handed them over and it’s been years since Hoseok felt this much at home.

\---

Hyunwoo talks him into signing up for dancing classes. 

He’s not entirely sure about it but Hyunwoo seems so earnest - Hoseok attends his class twice before he’s completely sold on the idea. It’s different from their regular work out sessions in the gym and even with all of his built-up stamina, by the end of the first one, he’s a sweaty mess on the floor. His heart rate is through the roof and his chest is burning as he tries to catch his breath.

Hyunwoo passes him a water bottle and pats his shoulder.

“Not bad,” he grins even if there’s sweat dripping down his nose, “Not bad at all, Seok.”

“I can’t feel my legs,” Hoseok wheezes out before dunking half the bottle in one go, water dribbling down his chin and onto his tank top. 

It doesn’t matter since it’s already soaked through, either way, it’s not like he’s making an even a bigger mess of himself.

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll feel them tomorrow just fine,” Hyunwoo laughs.

On the next morning, Hoseok texts Hyunwoo that he hates him and he’s ready to die.

\---

He texts Kihyun sometimes, outside of their group chat. As always, it’s about something related to the familiars and the issues Kihyun’s having. It never really leaves his mind, so he tries looking more into it. 

Sometimes he feels brave and asks Kihyun how his day went. 

At other times, Kihyun sends him a photo of whatever he sees that day and he deemed interesting and it’s- it’s surprisingly nice. Having a connection with someone who would never be Hoseok’s first choice of a friend or even an acquaintance. 

Despite his crudeness, Kihyun more often than not manages to make Hoseok laugh.

And then, one day, Hoseok gets promoted at the library and he’s moved from the main floor to an actual office. He’s gotten a raise and an uptick of duties, his clearance widening, allowing him better access to the library’s resources and materials.

For some reason, he tells Kihyun that over a message, adds that he might have new information soon and then brings a six-pack of beer to the apartment three floors below. It’s just Hyungwon there, who claps him on one arm and helps him make his way through the bottles as they lay on the sofa with their feet on the coffee table. They’re half-way mid _ Welcome to Dongmakgol  _ when Changkyun drags himself in after late class and cusses them both out for not leaving anything for him. 

“Look at him, hyung,” Hyungwon says over a painfully fond smile, knocking his bottle against Hoseok’s. “All petty and jealous because the adults are having fun while he has homework to do.”

He gets a pillow thrown in his face and Hoseok laughs so much that the beer goes up his nose. 

\---

“Things sure have changed,” Hoseok whispers to Hayan one cool night when they’re in bed, ready to sleep. 

He drags his fingers down her spine, as she blinks up at him. Her eyes are like green and blue gems in the soft light of his night lamp, so pretty and glistening and bright. Hoseok smiles at her, kisses her flat head. 

She’s one of the things that have changed, as well, Hoseok knows that.    
And he’s so grateful to have her. 

“I’m really glad you’re here,” he tells her and Hayan purrs in definite agreement. 

\---

The leaves are turning red and gold already when Hoseok takes a day off at work.

Hyungwon congratulates him on it when they run into each other at the entrance to their building and then proceeds to laugh endlessly when he learns Hoseok is planning on spending it in a library. A different library, but still. 

Hoseok feels his cheeks warm up as Hyungwon wheezes and tries to catch his breath, dramatically - overly so, if someone were to ask him - leaning into the doorframe as if he was a wilting flower. 

“No wonder you and Kihyun get so well together these days if you’re willing to spend your day off in a library. He’s a book rat too!” Hyungwon pats him on the shoulder and goes back to his own apartment, shaking his head in amusement. 

Hoseok rubs the back of his neck and well, it’s not like he can argue with that statement even if Hyungwon probably doesn’t know half the truth. And not about him and Kihyun getting well together, though that too is true. Kihyun was quite a frequent visitor in the library Hoseok worked at, both in his restless research about familiars as well as for school. 

Hoseok didn’t really forget about the familiar either, the subject always there in the back of his head. So he travels to another library, the farthest one to go through their stock and maybe use his credentials to get more information. He’s lucky too. 

One of the assistants there remembers him from their meeting months ago and to Hoseok’s surprise, he offers to help. 

When they’re using the copy machine to make copies of few chapters in one book Hoseok deemed interesting, the boy next to him keeps on fidgeting slightly. 

“Are you alright?” Hoseok asks because once he looks at him, he notices that his cheeks are flushed bright pink. 

“Oh yes, I just... “ he bites at his lip, looks to the side and back to Hoseok again, “Was just wondering, would you,- and I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t, but during the previous meeting I noticed you, and now you’re here, what I mean is, would you, maybe, like to grab a coffee later? I’m working only half the day today and have the afternoon off, so I thought, maybe?” 

Hoseok blinks and checks the time. It’s still pretty early and he doesn’t even have any real plans for the rest of the day. Coffee sounds good and actually, Hoseok thinks, they’re not that far from the coffee house where Kyun and Kihyun work at. Two birds with one stone. He could grab a drink and give Kihyun the materials.

“Sure, thank you” he smiles at the boy, Woo-jin, if he remembers correctly, “I actually know a nice place around here that serves good coffee.”

Woo-jin smiles brightly at him and Hoseok smiles back. They make plans to meet later and Hoseok busies himself with more research, making notes as he goes. 

Time flies fast once he's submerged in both fiction and encyclopedias and it seems it's only a moment before they're opening the door to the coffee house Hoseok mentioned earlier.

“Kihyun’s not in,” that’s how Changkyun welcome him when he sees him and Hoseok blinks.

“Ok?” He tilts his head a little, confused before he gives Kyun a smile and points to himself and his companion. “I assume that Kihyun’s absence doesn't mean that we can’t order drinks, though?”

Changkyun’s jaw literally drops as he notices the boy behind him and it’s a completely over the top reaction, really. Hoseok huffs out a laugh at the wide eyes that snap from his face to Woo-jin’s. Hoseok waits, Changkyun looks and after a good five minutes it’s clear he’s not going to stop very soon and Woo-jin is fiddling with the hem of his sweater. 

“Kyunnie, that’s rude,” Hoseok finally says, chides him gently and takes a look at the menu. 

“Ah. I’m sorry, ” Changkyun gives himself a little if visible little shake and plaster on his professional smile. It’s quite horrifying really, the sight of that smile not reaching his eyes like it’s supposed to. “May I take your order?”

Hoseok’s half tempted to order the macchiato again, but he hasn’t been hitting the gym as regularly as he ought to and Hyunwoo already texted him their new workout schedule. It’s quite intense considering the dance classes, something completely new for him and he doesn’t want to make a false start by inhaling a sugary concoction. 

He orders some goji tea instead, waits for Woo-jin to place his order. He chooses a plain black coffee and insists on paying despite Hoseok’s protests. 

“I’ll be right up with your order,” Changkyun says flatly. 

“Thanks, Kyunnie.” 

They actually manage to grab the very same table Hoseok occupied when he was here for the first time, slightly secluded and with the nice plants. They’re still pretty and lush as he remembers them to be and somehow the sight of them makes him smile, makes him remember Kihyun’s veiled, small act of kindness. 

Funnily, Hoseok thinks all of a sudden, he hasn’t had a severe headache in weeks. 

“Thank you for helping me out,” he says and bows his head a little when they’re seated and waiting for their drinks to arrive.

Woo-jin gives him a sort of wobbly smile, “It was nothing really. You seem very interested in this subject.”

“Ah,” Hoseok smiles, looks down at the hastily put up file in front of him. The copies of book pages are in there, along with his handwritten notes. It’s not much but as the saying goes, anything is better than nothing and he hopes Kihyun might find something in there that will help him. “It’s been a life-long passion of mine.”

“I have never met anyone who’d pay attention to such small details,” Woo-jin’s eyes flutter quickly like there’s dust in his eyes he’s trying to blink out, “I never was as interested and I’m the younger of the pair.”

Hoseok perks up at this a little, “Oh? How is it?”

“It’s… ok?” There’s a tinge of hesitation in Woo-jin’s voice and he looks around uncomfortably, “My mate’s platonic if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Oh no,” he smiles reassuringly because Woo-jin still seems a little bit uncomfortable, his shoulders held a bit too straight, “I was just wondering how does it feel like to have a familiar.”

Woo-jin looks at him in clear confusion for a second. “It’s… it can be annoying, I guess. Eun was a rat but I met my soulmate very quickly and then she disappeared.”

Hoseok nods a little absentmindedly, then blinks twice, “What do you mean she disappeared? Like, she wandered off?”

“Maybe?” Woo-jin frowns, “I woke up one morning and she wasn’t there, so who knows? I mean, she made sure I found my soulmate, it wasn’t like she needed to remain by my side after that.”

_ People don’t care about their familiars. _

Something cold and unpleasant forms in the pit of his stomach as he hears Woo-jin’s words, makes his blood turn to ice. There’s an annoying tingle in the tips of his fingers, something akin to numbness and he flexes them a couple of times, cracks his knuckles loudly. 

“I’m sorry,” he smiles again, feels how wobbly it is and hopes the boy opposite of him doesn’t notice. “As I said, this has been a passion of mine since pretty much forever.”

When Changkyun brings them their drinks, Woo-jin is looking much more relaxed and is talking rather openly about his former familiar. He has fond memories of her but he doesn’t really care that she just disappeared from his life. Yes, there was certain bleed-through from his soulmate before he met her, but it was more of an unpleasant echo than anything too bothersome. 

It all doesn’t cause that ball of  _ something _ to disappear from his stomach, but the tea is nice and he learns a thing or two. They spend over an hour in the coffee house, before Hoseok excuses himself and says he needs to go home.

He doesn’t, not really, but there’s chaos in his thoughts and he feels like he needs to put them down onto paper to make any sense of them. 

It’s surprisingly easy to lie his way out like this.

\---

“I can’t believe that you went on a  _ date  _ to  _ our _ coffee house.”

He puts the phone away from his ear because Changkyun’s voice reached the level where only dogs could hear him properly. Not to say that he wasn’t expecting a phone call, but in all honesty, Changkyun’s presenting a flair for dramatic Hoseok never suspected out of him. Hyungwon usually did the over the top reactions in their world. 

“I didn’t go on a date,” He struggles a bit with the pan as he’s reheating some leftover dinner from the day before. “And your coffee house does make good coffee and it’s close to the library where I was at.”

For a minute or two, he can only hear the sizzle of the noodles on his stove because Changkyun is silent, and then, “Yes, hyung, yes you  _ were _ .”

“No, Kyunnie, I wasn’t.” He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I like to think that I would actually know if I were on one.”

The spluttering on the other end of the line is completely unnecessary if someone was to ask him. 

“He paid for you. He stared at you as if you personally hung the sun, moon and every single one of the stars.” Changkyun sounds like he’s counting off of his fingers and knowing how stubborn he can be, he probably is. “He hung onto every single word you said.”

“Because he said it’s interesting,” Hoseok sighs and pours water into the tea jar, “And earlier on he helped me look through some materials. He told me about his experience with his familiar and such.”

He’s not even that surprised when he hears a rattling at his front door. With a roll of his eyes, he just drops the call and puts the phone away into his pocket. Stirs the noodles once and only after he sets the flame underneath the pan to a mere sizzle, he goes to open. It’s not like he doesn’t know who’s on the other side of it after all.

Changkyun doesn’t even bother making excuses, just waves his phone frantically in his hand as he pushes through. 

“I can’t believe you hung up on me, hyung, that is so rude,” he sputters out, making a beeline towards the fridge. He helps himself to some peach tea Hoseok’s taken a liking to lately, gives the bottle a strange look. “Huh. This is odd even for you.“

“Hello to you too, Changkyunnie, nice of you to drop by, please, be my guest, help yourself and stop judging my drinking choices,” Hoseok says and sarcasm drops thick from each and every single word. It doesn’t do anything nor did he imagine it would, because his not-date is apparently the sole target of Changkyun’s focus right now.

Who gives him a glare and takes a gulp of the tea, wipes his mouth and points an accusing finger at Hoseok. “I just can’t believe you took a date to our workplace of all places!” 

“Oh for…” Hoseok runs a hand through his hair, “For the last time, it was not a date. I don’t even know him! I doubt I’ll even see him again. And that’s not,-” he hesitates for a second, because the words to say are right there and they’re the simplest truth, one he’s used to and somehow he needs to take a breath before he can say them out loud, “That’s not even taking into consideration that I don’t date, Kyun. Also, I don’t have enough food for two, I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting guests today.”

He fishes his phone with one hand, taps out a quick message to Kihyun about the material that he has for him. 

“You never do and it’s ok, Sohyun bought our lunch today and also, just because you didn’t realize it, it doesn’t change the fact that he asked you out. Didn’t he, hyung?”

Well… technically, Hoseok thinks back to hours earlier, Woo-jin was the one to suggest grabbing a coffee. But it didn’t  _ feel _ like a date, more like an interview and that’s what Hoseok says out loud. 

“Do you want to?”

He gets Kihyun’s reply about dropping by the library to see him tomorrow. He smiles to himself as he writes ‘ _ better bring coffee’  _ and in typical Kihyun fashion, he only gets a middle-finger emoji in response. Chuckling to himself, he completely misses the way Changkyun is looking at him. 

“Do I want to what?” Hoseok looks up finally from the phone. 

“Date.”

Hoseok scrunches up his nose, turns the heat down as the food’s all ready, “Why should I? I’ve got you all. I’m good, Kyunnie.”

Before Hoseok can add anything more, Changkyun finishes his drink, bids his goodbye and leaves as suddenly as he dropped by. He doesn’t even stop to pet Hayan on his way out and the cat looks absolutely betrayed by the fact.

“I’m sorry Hayan,” Hoseok picks her up and kisses her head instead, “He’s been incredibly strange and rude the whole day today, don’t pay him any attention next time. That will hopefully teach him some manners.”

\---

_ “ ‘Seok.”  _

_ It’s whispered against his ear, hot and damp. The sound of his name like that, it’s all unconditional love and limitless affection. It curls around all of his senses like a thick blanket, blocks out everything else.  _

_ There are hands over his skin, gentle, soft, everywhere all at once. They glide over the bumps of his ribs, fingertips pressing into the dips between the bones. The voice murmurs sweet nothings, over and over again, calls him perfect and sweet and theirs.  _

_ Hoseok feels too warm, feels like his skin is stretched thin and threatening to break and he wants it to happen, wants to bleed out with the loving praises whispered into his ear. He wants.  _

_ He wants. _

_ “Mine,” chanted as the touches grow bolder and then there are kisses too, sweet pecks over his cheek, nose, at the corner of his mouth. “Mine, mine. Always was, always will be.” _

_ He’s unable to do anything, suspended in something, just taking it, soaking up the affection so effortlessly given like a cat soaking up the warmth of the sun.  _

_ “I want,-” his own voice ripples through the haze, cracks like glass and gets lost in the taste of searing-hot kisses.  _

_ Oh, yes. He wants. _

_ \--- _

It’s the middle of the night when Hoseok wakes up suddenly, gasping for breath, hands clutching at the sheets. His chest feels too tight, too heavy, his skin tingling due to a nonexistent touch. 

He hurts all over, like after a workout session he never prepared for, his shirt is sticking to his back, damp with sweat. He feels hot all over like there’s a fever’s working its way through his body, his throat parched and tongue feeling all-cotton dry. He’s tangled in his sheets as if he’s been tossing and turning the whole time. 

He  _ hurts _ as if someone slotted a missing piece of his very being into place and then ripped it out and a pained noise rips itself out of his throat. 

Hayan is immediately in his face, a low purring coming from her as she rubs the side of her face against his cheek. As if she’s worried as if he scared her as much as he’s scared himself. His hands find her easily; her soft fur a tether as Hoseok tries to catch his breath. His eyes sting despite keeping them closed tight. 

And above everything, despite Hayan's calming presence, despite his struggle to breathe, to sleep, Hoseok continues to  _ ache _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we will be back to regular Kihyun appearances in a few. 
> 
> ps. god, I hate filler chapters.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ “Don't let anyone or anything drown out that still small voice that says, 'You were made for more.' ”_  
― Kirstin Leigh

The sound of the window opening disturbs the semi-silence (hard to call an evening in Seoul silent, but Hoseok likes to count his blessings) and instinctively Hoseok tenses up. As if anyone would cause him any harm here and now.

The sweet scent of the tea they’ve been drinking earlier wafts over and he scrunches up his nose a little, inhales it deep into his lungs. 

“Mind some company?” Kihyun asks from behind him. “Or you want to hide some more?”

Hoseok shakes his head and shuffles a little to the side, making room for Kihyun to sit down next to him. The balcony that belongs to the guys’ apartment is quite small; there's just enough space that when they sit next to each other their thighs touch and their shoulder bump.

He doesn’t ask how Kihyun knows he’s hiding. 

And not that he was,  _ per se _ , but he’s been feeling strangely  _ off _ for quite a while now. Like something inside of him shifted without his consent and he’s been off his own axis for weeks now. It’s unnerving, unsettling and Hoseok’s at a loss as to how to fix himself. And well. Kihyun is very perceptive - Hoseok has learned that first hand, after all - so it does not surprise Hoseok that he is the one to call him out on this.

Right now Kihyun lights up a cigarette; the first drag he takes is lazy, long and then he exhales the smoke slowly through his nose. Hoseok watches the grey clouds roll away into the evening air, slow and languid, ghostly balloons that disappear the higher they go. His fingers itch with the phantom sensation of holding a cig, his lungs constrict against the memory of smoke being pumped into them on a cold, cold night.   
  
It’s been a long while since he had one, Hoseok thinks and lowers his gaze.

“As a heads up, Hyungwon has started talking about the rum he’s gotten at the club the other night,” Kihyun says after a while, “ And I think that’s pretty much a solid cue for me to go home.”

“Why, cheap rum too cheap for you?” Hoseok mutters under his breath, eyes focused on his own shoes. Not that he could blame Kihyun from bolting.

Hyungwon and rum in one sentence is pretty much a cue for him to leave as well, but the evening’s been pretty nice so far and he really doesn’t want to go. It’s only his sense of self-preservation that wins over in situations like these. 

“I got things to do tomorrow from the early morning and I can’t miss it. How about you?”

“I think I’ll skip too,” Hoseok says, wiggling his feet a little, “It never ends well for me when I do and I’d rather not waste a Saturday being all hungover and ugly.”

Kihyun huffs out a laugh at that, makes a sort of agreeing noise in the back of his throat. It’s not like Hoseok’s lying or exaggerating - alcohol lowers his ability to ward off both Changkyun and Hyungwon and their arguments. The bonded pair is  _ lethal _ when it comes to convincing them both and Hyunwoo to agree to their - usually terrible, alcohol-laced - ideas. 

“How’s your work?”

“It’s nice. We have two tours of kids coming in this week and they assigned me to read out to them.” Hoseok hums a little, cracks a smile, “So yeah, it’s all fine.”

When Kihyun rubs the back of his neck with his free hand, his elbow bumps into Hoseok’s shoulder and jostles him lightly. “You don’t seem all that fine, though. You’re quiet,” Kihyun says after a while when he looks at him. His eyes are pinched tight with worry and it warms Hoseok somewhat, that he’s learned to recognize it. Because yes, Kihyun is still more of Changkyun’s friend than Hoseok’s but there are moments where Hoseok thinks they’re well on the way to becoming their own brand of friends as well. Kihyun is surprisingly good company once you get past the thorns and prickly attitude, he's wickedly smart and once you got to know him, his sarcasm is more amusing that hurtful.  
  


And well. Hoseok already came to accept the fact that likes him, actually likes the up-in-your face attitude, that bluntness Kihyun has about himself. It’s taken a while and there were many moments where his initial response to Kihyun was to make him hurt, but the fact remains a fact. 

And considering the recent uptick in their messages and the fact that they’re suddenly comfortable around each other, enough for Kihyun to search him out during moments like these? Hoseok thinks it’s not that much of a stretch to assume that Kihyun likes him as well. So yes, friends in their own way. 

“Had a couple of rough nights,“ Hoseok merely says and offers one more smile, rubs his palms over his knees lightly like he doesn't know what else to do with them, “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.”

He merely gets a nod in answer and Kihyun turns his head towards the sky barely visible through the slit of the buildings. The silence that stretches between is comfortable, disturbed only by the muted noise of the city. Like their own private, dark bubble, filled with smoke and shadows. 

“Kihyun, can I ask you something?” He asks after a while and Kihyun merely makes a little noise in his throat, the sound all the affirmation Hoseok needs. “What happened that you don’t believe in soulmates?” 

Hoseok isn’t exactly sure why he asks, as the question is something that will surely break the somewhat pleasant atmosphere between them. But it’s also something that’s been lingering on Hoseok’s mind ever since he'd learned of the fact, something he has always been curious as to why. When he chances a glance at Kihyun, he can see his brows furrow lightly, but more in confusion than annoyance.

Yes, Hoseok’s learned the difference.  
  
“It’s a bit hard  _ not  _ to believe in soulmates with those two around,” Kihyun finally says, as he makes a little jerky movement of his head towards the window and Hoseok huffs out a laugh. Inside, Changkyun and Hyuwong have been sickeningly domestic that day, curled up around each other under a ratty blanket. Hoseok swears there was honest to god nuzzling going on earlier before he excused himself to catch some fresh air. “It was never a matter of belief. I can’t  _ not _ believe in something I keep witnessing with my own two eyes, hyung.”

“So what is it exactly?”

“You sure you want to hear this?” There smile that twists Kihyun’s lips is an ugly version of his normal one and Hoseok still nod. He doesn’t want to, not really, but he also  _ needs _ to hear this if he’s ever to understand why Kihyun ticks the way he does. “I think it’s insulting. You know better than I do, that the bonds often end up romantic than not. And it all comes down to the point that we can’t decide who we love and not, and instead, some divine imperative has already decided for us. Don’t you think that’s degrading?”

Hoseok just stares at him for a moment, as he lets the words sink. They’re strange to hear. They’re expectedly sharp, just like Kihyun is and unexpectedly, they hurt.

Funny. He thought he had run out of the capacity to feel this sort of hurt after all those years.

“I suppose that’s one way to look at it,” he admits quietly, not really sure if Kihyun even hears him. He toes his boot against the metal railing, bunches up his shoulders in a defensive manner. 

“I’ve made this decision years ago, even before my lazy familiar manifested.” Kihyun says flippantly, “My parents were,- are soulmates and despite the bond, they ended up hating each other. But they are bonded because something decided they’re _ perfect _ for each other so they’re stuck together till one of them dies. You can’t possibly imagine what it’s like, to watch two ‘_destined, perfect for each other people_’” Hoseok can pretty much hear the air-quotes at this point, “Live together, unable to spend five seconds in the same room without ending up in a fight and hurting. I’d rather not bond at all than risk winding up bitter and regretful like like them. I don’t want this for my soulmate and I definitely do not want this for myself. Hyung, I,- we deserve to choose who we end up with. I want to choose my life long partner on my own terms.”

Hoseok shifts in his seat a little. Kihyun’s voice is steady, certain. As he said, he’s made that decision years ago but the conviction with which he speaks, it stirs something within Hoseok and he’s not entirely sure if it’s a good or bad thing. 

“That’s why you never looked for your soulmate?”

Kihyun gives him the strangest look, like Hoseok just grew three additional heads. He says nothing for the longest while and then takes another drag of cigarette, the amber tip casting pretty shadows over the angular planes of his face, before he talks over a billow of smoke, ““Hyung, I know perfectly well who my soulmate is.”

Hoseok whips his head to face Kihyun so fast he feels a painful snap in the back of it, feeling like a rug has just been pulled from under his feet. 

“What? You do?” Hoseok says and he can feel in his bones how incredulous he sounds, but there’s no helping that because it doesn’t really fit with what he knows and what he's heard from both their friends and from Kihyun himself.

Which, admittedly, in a retrospective, might not be all that much to fall back on.

“Yeah.” Kihyun stubbs put the cigarettes' butt against the metal railing in front of them. He puffs out the few last rings of smoke, then clucks his tongue a little. “I mean, it sure took a while for my familiar to do its damned work, but yes, I know my soulmate.” 

“Oh.”

Kihyun chuckles, the sound low in his throat and not entirely happy as he throws Hoseok a glance. “You have no idea how shocked you look right now, it’s almost cute. I really thought our resident chatterbox told you, Kyun’s horrible at keeping secrets,” he makes an aborted motion with his head towards the room behind the window. He then fixes his eyes on Hoseok’s face again, and the shadows must be playing tricks on Hoseok because Kihyun looks oddly soft in the semi-dark. “You’re feeling sorry for something that’s not yours to fix again, aren’t you?”

He feels the need to duck his head all of the sudden as he ignores the question as there is no way he can disagree and not come out a liar. From the uptick of noise inside, it seems Hyunwoo has returned from his class; as he listens in, there’s a debate going on whether to order take out or to cook and if someone decides on the cheese tteokbokki again, Hoseok’s gonna evacuate himself in five seconds flat.

He also doesn’t know how to process the information he’s been given. 

It’s one thing to believe Kihyun simply refused to bend to his destiny, that he did everything in his might not to meet his soulmate. But to know that he actually knew the and that he still refused them so vehemently? 

“Do you,-” Hoseok licks his suddenly dry lips, unsure why he’s pressing this subject more and more, it’s not his to touch and poke at, but he suddenly feels ten years old with a burning need to  _ know.  _ Because maybe, no,  _ especially _ since he will never know himself how this feels, he thinks with a sudden pang. “Do they even know? If you met them, the bond should form between you two.”

Something pained flickers across Kihyun's face, or so Hoseok thinks because as soon as he blinks it's gone. Could've been a shadow.

“I did meet them. Face to face and all. And the bond doesn’t just magically snap into place before you ask. In all honesty, I have no idea how this works. And frankly? I’d rather choke than ask those two.”

The laughter bubbles out of him for a second before he can get himself under control because Kihyun sounds all sorts of disgusted as if Kyun’s and Hyungwon’s displays of affection where personally offending him. It’s an impressive front that he puts up, Hoseok knows because the thing is, Kihyun loves Kyun like he’s his own blood.

“Life’s a little funny bitch like that, isn’t it,” Kihyun says after the tense moment has passed and he pulls himself up to stand. He brushes some invisible dust from his hoodie, “I never wanted a soulmate. And I don’t want anyone to like me just because of some damned bond neither of us had a say in and still, I knew who they were the moment I saw them. And then, on the other hand, here you are.” He looks down at Hoseok and while his words are harsh, his eyes are not. They’re surprisingly soft, a little pained and Hoseok don't know why Kihyun is pitying him this much when Hoseok himself has already made peace with who he is. And then Kihyun reaches out, tucks a strand of hair behind Hoseok’s ear and the gesture is strangely endearing, his fingers chilled by the evening’s air and cool against Hoseok’s skin. “You’re still so in love with the idea, so dead set on this magical bond shit that has to happen that you’re ready to burst with it. And yet, you’re the one who is certain you got no soul mate to speak of.”

Hoseok ignores the way his ears feel warm and he hums in agreement because Kihyun Isn't exactly wrong. 

“While I get that your parents might have,” He says quietly after a while, carefully choosing his words, “Given you a certain negative experiences in regards to soulmates, why do you feel it’s so bad in general?” He asks after a while.“ So, how you said it, insulting? To be bonded with someone. To have someone who completes you like no one else ever could. Someone who…,” he blinks again, feeling oddly tired again. He shakes his head, the longer tufts of his hair falling into his eyes. He’s been feeling fatigue more and more lately. His dreams more and more confusing and more often than not keeping him awake during the night. “I always thought it would be amazing, you know. To be able to feel that kind of unconditional love and acceptance from someone who is not family? To have someone who will make you so much better than you could ever be? I don’t think I will ever stop mourning losing that chance, even if I did accept it.”

Kihyun doesn’t answer, just gives him a long, long look. His eyes lost that softness from just a second ago, instead they’re narrow and looking for something Hoseok is quite certain isn’t there to find. For a moment, Hoseok thinks his next words will be sharp and cutting because that’s how Kihyun works and Hoseok’s just given him a perfect opportunity, showing him his proverbial soft underbelly to strike at.

But Kihyun surprises him - he only sighs, shakes his head in and ducks through the open window, leaving Hoseok alone on the balcony.

Whatever moment they had, now it’s over. He’s strangely disappointed about that. 

When Hoseok climbs back inside a couple of minutes later, the guys  _ are _ ordering cheese tteokbokki again and Kihyun is already saying his goodbyes, deflecting all of Changkyun’s arguments.

And as Hoseok says he’ll stay for supper, even if they’re going to eat the same goddamn thing over and over again, when he doesn’t even utter a word of protest when Hyungwon mentions the gifted bottle of rum he has, Changkyun thumps him on his back so hard he feels his lungs have rattled.

“I guess I'll be seeing you later, hyung,” Kihyun says, eyes not exactly on Hoseok's face but more in the direction of his chin. It’s fine, Hoseok’s suddenly not that keen to meet his gaze as well.  There’s something tense between them, new and foreign and Hoseok’s unable to pinpoint what changed so abruptly. They were fine just moments ago.

So, swallowing thickly, Hoseok gives him a curt nod, turns towards the living room and doesn’t watch Kihyun leave.

\---

Hoseok wakes up too hot, too sweaty. He’s confused as to why he’s awake, his body demanding more rest almost immediately as Hoseok tries to understand where exactly he is.

The first thing he registers is that curtains are pulled tight, blocking almost all of the sunlight from the outside, except one little annoying beam that landed on him, hitting him in the eye.

It makes his head throb painfully, as if there are thousands of aggravated little men trying to dig through his skull.

The second thing he notices is Hyungwon - all star splayed, one leg and one arm thrown over Hoseok’s body like he’s a giant teddy bear. 

The third, Shownu, plastered all over his other side, snoring lightly straight into his ear. 

With a part of his brain that is not currently focused on the  _ pain in his head-god awful taste in his mouth-need to drink/pee/slee _ p combo, he realizes they’re all splayed out in the resident couple’s bed. The air stinks of stale alcohol and the faintest tinge of smoke and Hoseok swallows around a ball of thick, cloying cotton in his throat, briefly wondering if he’s hungover already of somehow still drunk. 

He also wants nothing more than to get back to his own flat and crawl into his own bed, where he can lick the proverbial wounds for hours to no end. 

He’s trapped, however, Hyungwon’s hold on him surprisingly strong and Shownu’s sheer size makes it difficult to dislodge him without waking everyone up.

He shifts a little, pulls himself up to take a better, careful look around.

Changkyun is passed out on Hyungwon’s other side - of course, he is - looking all sorts of adorable for a kid with so much sass. His hair is sticking out in every direction and his nose is flattened against his mate's shoulder. 

He has to get up, Hoseok thinks in a slight daze, blinking lazily. Should get up, drag his ass upstairs and check in on Hayan. She’s probably hungry, god, he was so irresponsible and left her alone for so long. He doesn’t exactly remember the time when he fed her yesterday. She’ll get pissy if he comes home too late, will bite at his ankles at the first given chance.

But on the other hand...

He feels so warm, warm, almost too warm and Shownu’s calf is sort of sweat-stuck against his, and Changkyun is making weird little noises in the back of his throat. Hyungwon’s breath is warm, regular. It takes him a second to figure out there’s one more pressure point, a tiny source of heat squeezed between his neck and shoulder. Jae-Hee’s making equally soft, tiny noises, just like Kyun is, his feathers silk soft and Hoseok feels his heart swell. 

It’s as if he’s washed all over with the feeling of safety. Of acceptance. 

And all in all, it’s the closest to actual peace Hoseok has felt in years. He needs to get up and go, but he doesn't _want_ this to end.

He wiggles one arm under Hyungwon more comfortably, pulls the lanky boy closer and closes his eyes - hopes against hope that Hayan will forgive him this moment of weakness - and goes back to sleep.

—

There’s a post-it note on the other side of his door. He only notices it a couple of hours later, when he drags himself back to his apartment with the proverbial tail tucked between his legs.  Strangely, there’s no righteous white fury attacking his ankles the moment he crosses the threshold. Instead, the hot pink note catches his attention, along with the pretty writing.

_ “Fed your damned cat. Funny thing, when she’s startled, she’s as wide-eyed as you.  _

_ Also, please start locking your goddamn door, hyung. -  _ _ K. _ ”

Hayan is sleeping soundly in his bed, doesn’t even open an eye when Hoseok comes home. There’s a barely-there faint smell in the air, something fresh and woodsy, a trace of someone other than him in Hoseok’s little space. It makes the small paper become a strangely heavy weight in his hand.

Because this feels all too familiar - Kihyun’s pretty handwriting in the too tight clench of Hoseok’s palm - in an overly unfamiliar setting. Slowly, he lies on his bed, the pillow blissfully cool against his heated skin and Hayan opens one eye briefly. She lies next to him, stretches all along his front and falls asleep, clearly satisfied her human is back where he belongs. 

When he checks it, his phone is almost out of battery after the whole night unplugged, but it’s enough for him to write a longer message. Then he’ll sleep some more, Hoseok tells himself, as his fingers type away fast. He needs to be fast before he loses whatever courage he has suddenly found within him. 

‘ _ My parents were soulmates too, but they were in love with each other. I’ve never seen anyone happier than them when they were together. And when mom died, my father followed. In a way. He is ... hollow. I can't stand to be near him when he's a shadow of who he was. It’s terrifying, what losing a soulmate might do to you. But I still remember how he looked at mom. I still remember how she smiled at him. I still remember wanting that. It can’t be all wrong when it looks so right, so good. It can’t. And maybe I can’t have it anymore, but I refuse to believe it’s wrong.’ _

He’s breathless when he drops the phone down onto the bedding next to him as if he had just finished a long, long run. When he closes his eyes, Hoseok sees the sharp-soft eyes, the high cut of Kihyun’s cheekbones. His heart thumps heavily against his chest, threatens to crack his ribs and spill all out when he feels the buzz of a reply. 

‘ _ And I refuse to believe that having a soulmate is the determinant of me being able to love and be loved. I am more than that. My soulmate is more than that. You are more than that. And so is everyone else. _ ”

There’s that conviction again, that seriousness that is so palpable even through text. Hoseok smiles as he re-reads the words, easily picturing Kihyun’s jutting chin and furrowed brows. Easily hearing the tone in which he would say what he’s written. Something bubbles inside of him, bright and happy and soon he can taste that same reckless courage from before on his tongue as he licks his lips.

He’s filled with the urge to break the seriousness.

‘ _ Sure you are, you’re a regular delight to be around on a daily basis, after all. _ ’ He texts back quickly and then mutes the phone. His cheeks feel like they’re on fire and he feels as if he’s - impossibly so - drunk still. He feels like a teen pulling a prank and he’s not certain he ever felt this even when he  _ was  _ a teen.

But he means it, Hoseok thinks to himself as he burrows into the sheets, as he presses his face into the pillow. He means it, even when veiled as a joke, as a tease that not many think he’s capable of. Because when he thinks of Kihyun - thin boned and iron-willed and so, so serious - and he means every single word.  
  
When he checks the answer in the evening, the exasperation he feels coming from one single word - ‘ _ Hyung! _ ’ - is so thick, so palpable that he ends up laughing in the middle of his own kitchen and startling Hayan so bad she spills water all around herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> legit emotional depths, right there folks.
> 
> feel free to yell at me over [ alielle ](https://twitter.com/alielle) at twitter


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“When people care for you, they can straighten out your soul.”  
\- Langston Hughes _

On the cusp between Autumn and Winter, Hoseok gets sicks. 

The worst thing is, he doesn’t really notice anything wrong until it’s too late. It’s been years since the last time he’s been sick, really, so he doesn't think too much of how tired he’s been lately and how his body aches. He doesn’t sleep very well still, more often than not he wakes up aching and drenched in a cold sweat, and it takes him way too long to fall back asleep for his body to regenerate properly. And he works out a lot at the gym and the dance class as well because Hyunwoo is a merciless - if kind - teacher but he pushes Hoseok to his limits and even then some. While he loves dealing with kids at the library that too takes a bit of time and effort to prepare for and as cute as they are, children are also exhausting. 

So Hoseok thinks nothing of the way his body aches and he feels lightheaded sometimes. Plays it off as reacting to the change of the season and doesn’t pay himself any attention.

Until he’s puking his guts out into the toilet at the crack of dawn, knees bruising with how fast he went down, at least. 

His skin feels stretched too thin over suddenly brittle bones as he dry-heaves; he feels so, so cold that his teeth are clattering despite his closed mouth and his vision swims constantly, in and out, in and out, unable to regain focus. When he tries to stand up the way his body is shaking almost makes him collapse onto the floor again. He leans heavily against the doorframe, clutching onto the old dry wood as he tries to breathe.

In the mirror he can see how pale he is - paler than normal - and there are dark, dark circles under his eyes and ugly, blood-red splotches on his cheeks. He scrubs his teeth until he can taste only toothpaste and not bile, with some inhuman effort he drags himself back to bed, grabbing the extra throw from the sofa.

He’s suddenly feeling cold, so cold that it seems that there is ice clawing up and through his veins, spreading like a disease with each slow, desperate pulse of blood. His bed is cold too as he slips under the covers, pulls the throw on top of it all and he burrows in on himself, curls his body into a miserable tiny ball. He’s shaking, from extortion and a spiking fever both, unable to keep warm and his head pulses with that blinding, rapid  _ tap-tap-tap _ kind of a pain right behind his eyes. His fingers dig into his arms, nails digging painfully into skin despite the long sleeves; he thinks he can hear Hayan’s meows and they sound scared somehow, oddly human. He wants to speak out, reassure his girl that he’s merely down with the cold, but then the fever spikes and he closes his eyes tight. 

\---

Hoseok dreams of cold hands and of soft barely-there touches.

He dreams of hushed voices, of gentle fingers pushing sweat-damp hair out of his face and of sweet murmurs chasing his fever-hot nightmares away.

He dreams he’s not alone in this and he doesn’t want to wake up. 

\---

Consciousness comes back to him ever so slowly. 

If he were ever to describe the feeling, he’d say it comes in waves. It begins building up slowly, barely noticeable at first. Like the first ray of sunlight, stubbornly trying to trickle through thick curtains. It’s also as if he’s been submerged underwater for too long, and everything’s s muted, the colors faded away and the sounds unrecognizable at first. He knows he hears something, as he opens and closes his eyes, blinks the crusted gunk out of them and tries to figure out what’s going on. 

It takes him a while to remember he’s in his own bed. He’s not feeling so cold anymore and keeping his eyes open doesn’t make him feel like his head’s about to explode. His body still aches, all joints and muscles on fired and his chest feels funny and tight. Breathing is still a chore, it’s still hard to pump air into his tired lungs. Funnily, he still hears the soft hum of noise and with some effort he manages to recognize it as Changkyun’s voice.

“...you need to stop this,” he says and Hoseok blinks because his muddled brain makes it seem like Kyun’s so close by. But it’s good, Kyun’s good, safe. He closes his eyes, hopes to go back to sleep because while he isn’t feeling as awful as before, it doesn’t mean he’s ok. The headache’s lessened, less of vice and more of an unpleasant, annoying feeling.

It’s when the second voice comes through that he opens them again in confusion..

“I am not doing anything.” There’s Kihyun there too, and it must be the fever because he barely sounds like himself, Hoseok thinks dumbly.

“Kihyunnie...” 

“Don’t, just… please, Kyun, don’t. This does not concern you.” 

That’s the moment Hoseok thinks that yes, this is some sort of feverish hallucination indeed because Hoseok hears how uncharastically quiet, almost,- almost defeated Kihyun sounds.

There’s a sound overlapping, a sudden snort, and a hiss.

Hayan. Oh.  _ Hayan. _

He should,-

He ought to,-

His vision swims again when he tries to heave himself up out of reflex and he falls back onto the pillows. The movement makes the nightstand rattle and the voices quiet down immediately and before Hoseok’s able to blink away the swirling red and black dots from before his eyes, he hears a low, long  _ mrrreeeow!  _ and there’s his girl, his precious girl, right next to him, desperately rubbing her face over his sweaty cheeks. Her nose is damp and pleasantly cold, his sluggish mind registers. He opens to say her name and then there’s fur inside of his mouth, soft so soft, cloying on his tongue and it kickstarts a cough vicious enough that rattles something inside of him.

Hayan gives out another meow, full of rage and protest and then she’s gone, but he’s still unable to do anything, trying desperately to stop coughing and wheezing, tears making his vision even more blurry as they keep on coming and they trickle down his cheeks. 

“Let him breathe, for the love of…”

When Hoseok’s able to breathe again, Hayan’s fur is on all ends, making her seem twice as big; she’s giving out that inhuman hissing sound and there’s a decidedly wicked gleam in her eye as she hisses in Kihyun’s direction. 

Kihyun is wiping his hands, strands of white fur clinging to his trousers, as he glares right back at her and then there’s Changkyun, looking from one to another for a moment or two with the most stricken expression before he diverts his attention to Hoseok. 

“Hyung,” he flings himself to the floor, falling to his knees at the side of Hoseok’s bed. He reaches out and places his hand on Hoseok’s forehead, fingers long and warm and slightly sweaty. He frowns, brows knitting, “Shit, you’re burning up.”

“Hayan,” Hoseok rasps instead but the cat hisses again, all of her teeth showing and bolts from the bedroom. He winces, both due to Hayan’s behavior and to the fact that his throat seems to be on fire and saying even one word seemed to encourage the flames. 

“She’ll be fine, you know how she  _ loves _ having Kihyun around. Wonnie will be here soon,” Changkyun says quietly, pushing sweat-damp bangs out of his eyes when Hoseok looks up at him. “He went to get some food for you.” 

“Here,” Kihyun walks up and while he doesn’t want to move, Hoseok still turns to him, blinking blearily. There’s a glass of water in Kihyun’ hand; he hesitates for a second before he moves closer, takes a seat on Hoseok’s bed, just at the edge of it. “Kyun, help him up.”

Changkyun does; he helps Hoseok sit up with gentle hands, holds him by the shoulders as Kihyun brings a glass of water to his chapped lips. The water is not cold, quite warm in fact and there’s a zing of citrus in it and something sweet too, something else that feels so good against his poor throat. It should be embarrassing in a way, how he needed someone else’ help just to drink a few sips, but Hoseok is too tired, too _sick _and right now, he couldn’t care too much. 

After he drinks a few careful sips, Changkyun still holds him upright, that tightly worried expression on his face as and Kihyun turns his pillows over, fluffs them up a bit. 

“You really scared us, hyung,” Changkyun says eventually, thumbs pressing into the sore muscle and Hoseok’s eyes flutter.

“‘Am sorry,” he mutters and sighs with relief when he lies back again. “It’s just a cold.”

Jae-Hee pops up from god knows where a string of low whistles escaping him. His wings flutter so hard Hoseok’s eyes hurt from looking at him. He flicks here and there, not getting too close, but the tone of the sounds he’s making is pretty clear.

The little bird is clearly angry. 

“What’s...,” Hoseok starts slowly, blinks tiredly at him but he’s unable to get even one more word in. 

“Hee, don’t. Out.” Kyun’s voice is a sharp order and the flycatcher puffs up, clearly offended before he flies out into the living room.

Soon, his low pitched singing and Hayan’s angry meow’s come at regular intervals. Changkyun hides his face in his hands for a moment, mutters something about annoying pests and Hoseok tries his earnest to remember what he was supposed to ask. 

Because he’s sure there was something he wanted to ask about. 

“You’ve been out for over a day,” Kihyun says and his voice comes close, too close. When Hoseok turns back to him, Kihyun’s face is slightly out of focus, but his eyes are sharp as ever. “Hyunwoo said you missed your workout. You weren’t at the library as well. You didn’t answer your texts and then, Kyun and I,- “ he falters, trails off when they door slams. 

The sound makes Hoseok wince. 

“Food delivery!” Hyungwon announces and saunters in, a bag in his hand.

Unlike the other two, he’s wearing a mask over his face and Hoseok manages to think that at least one of them is being responsible, before Hyungwon flings it off and makes himself comfortable on the bed, near Hoseok’s feet. 

Seems that Hoseok has to rectify his opinion from merely a second ago. 

“Talked with Nunu while I was climbing up the stairs, he’s on his way as well. Don’t worry Seok, we’ll get you up on your feet in no time,” he says casually, reaching into the bag and pulling out containers. He hands over the very first one to Kihyun, “As per your request, doctor Yoo, samgyetang for the sick boy.”

Hoseok blinks in confusion, and his stomach does an interesting twist as the smell for the soup wafts over. He’s not entirely sure he’s going to keep anything down and some of his hesitation must show on his face, because Kihyun shifts closer as he pulls the lid off carefully. 

“Just drink some of the broth, alright,” he says quietly, as he raises the styrofoam cup to Hoseok’s lips, “Just enough so you’ll keep down the medicine Hyunwoo hyung went out to get.” 

The soup is thick, hot and so  _ good _ down his sore throat. It pools pleasantly in his stomach and warms him up, little waves of warmth and comfort that slowly spread through his body. Hyungwon places other containers at the floor near his bed, saying out loud which one is for who, Kihyun sits close to him with the soup cup in his hand, ready to help and Hoseok can hear Changkyun puttering around in his own kitchen like he owns the place. 

It all seems - surreal.

They shouldn’t be here, he thinks in a daze. His breath catches quietly in his throat, makes his chest squeeze tight not because of the sickness but because of something  _ else.  _ They really shouldn’t be here, Hoseok replays in his mind, and not just because they might catch the same virus that’s currently wreaking havoc in his body, but because,-

Because,-

There’s a cool hand at the nape of his neck and Hoseok groans with relief at the chill it sends over his heated skin, whatever argument he came up with himself immediately forgotten. He turns his head in Kihyjn’s direction; the movement causes him to rest his cheek in the cup of Kihyun’s hand and any other time he probably would be mortified about it, but right now it just feels  _ good. _

“You spaced out there for a second, hyung, ” Kihyun frowns, rubs his thumb once over the rise of a cheekbone as if this is a normal thing he does. “You really are burning up. God. How can you be so dumb.”

“Mean,” Hoseok mutters.

“Well I for one agree with Kihyunnie, you are a regular dumbass,” Hyungown manages to say as he’s slurping his noodles loudly, “Who gets sick to the point of passing out and doesn’t even tell anyone they were feeling bad?” If Ki,-  _ ouch, shit,  _ this is hot _ . _ ” 

Hoseok blinks as he looks at him but Hyungwon is busy with trying to ease the burn of his tongue. 

Changkyun calls out for Kihyun and the request for him to come and help out sounds strangely harsh. 

Obediently, Kihyun moves away, taking his cool touch away and Hoseok sighs unhappily at the loss of contact. He flexes his fingers, tries to gauge how clumsy they are before he risks taking his soup into his own hands. His stomach doesn’t revolt against it, quite the opposite, it makes him feel nice and warm from the inside out, not the sickly warm of a fever, but as if someone hugged him for a long long time.

He takes a careful sip. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” he says quietly, eyes on the duvet and frowns, cause it’s the white one, and he is more than certain that he has been using the dark blue sheets recently. “You’ll all get sick.”

Hyungwon throws him an unamused look before he runs a hand through his hair, pushing it all back. 

“Yeah well. Good luck trying to tell that to the fussy hen in the kitchen,” he grins at him then, twists a little to face Hoseok properly. “See, Kyunnie had a proper meltdown when he heard about you and arranged an all proper get-well mission. Don’t get me wrong, I’d pretty much rather hang out with you when you’re not looking like an over-boiled egg, hyung, but since you obviously can’t take care of yourself, we’ll just have to take over.”

Hosek blinks slowly, reaches out in Hyungwon’s direction with the cup. His hand shakes a little as he does and Hyungwon reacts immediately, taking it away from him. 

He can hear the murmurs from the kitchen and for some reason, he thinks Changkyun’s hushed whispers are harsh, too sharp. 

“Kyun’s angry,” he says quietly, dropping his gaze to where his fingers are splayed over the stark white covers. 

“He’s worried about you. And if anything, I told you once. Kihyun can take it.”

That's the thing that sort of blows Hoseok’s mind, fever or not. He’s merely got a cold, he’s not dying and that’s what he says. Hyungwon turns in his seat at that, raises one brow.

“You can’t possibly… _ hyung _ ,” there’s a slight note of disbelieving accusation in his voice, “We’re family. We take care of each other and Kyunnie thought you knew that. And instead, we found you here. Sick enough you didn’t even register that we moved you around to change your shirt or your sheets, and then... ” Hyungwon trails away and looks at the cup of broth in his hand. He runs his teeth over his lower lip for a second, before he speaks again, “We’re family.”

Hoseok’s heart does something quick and painful inside of his chest, a twist of some sort that he’s not exactly sure how to describe. 

_ Family.  _

It sinks in slowly, through the haze of fever and weary of the last weeks. It resonates within him, makes him feel sticky and all warm inside, just like the soup made him feel minutes ago, but this is better, so much better. 

It feels like his mother’s hugs used to. 

Jae-Hee catches his attention when he appears suddenly right before his nose and shyly pecks his nose. 

“Hee,” he smiles tiredly, raises one hand so the flycatcher can perch there. He’s slightly ruffled, feathers standing up. “I’m sorry I made Kyun worried, little fella.” 

Hoseok takes his time to smooth them out and in the meanwhile, Kihuyun and CHangkyun come back, with cups and the teapot. They both look frazzled, there’s a flush on Kihyun’s cheeks and a tight clench to Changkyun’s jaw. Jae-Hee makes a low whistle and Hoseok blinks suddenly. 

“Why is he still here?” He asks, stalling his actions and earning a peck at the tip of his finger. “Kyunnie. Why is Hee here?” 

When he looks up, he almost cracks a smile as he sees an almost identical, startled expression on both Changkyun and Kihyun’s faces. 

“He likes you?” Changkyun says after a while, clearly unsure of what’s going on. “You know Hee, he spends more time here with you than he does with us.”

“No, I mean…,” bright spots dance briefly before his eyes and he leans back onto his pillows. Hyungwon heaves himself up and offers him some of the soup and it once again soothes him, but he feels suddenly so, so exhausted. He feels too weak to finish, to put the jumble of thoughts in his head into proper words and he tries, he does, but Hyungwon shushes him, surprisingly gentle in his administrations. 

Hoseok looks to Kihyun, instead because it all ties down to him, either way, and maybe he knows, he understands...

“He’s asking why Hee’s still around years after you and Hyungwon bonded.” Kihyun says after a while, taking a seat at the foot of the bed and Hoseok feels an overwhelming sense of relief, because yes, Kihyun understood him perfectly. “Why hasn’t he disappeared. Why are you keeping him around.”

Hyungwon wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulls Hoseok into a half-embrace, lets his prop his head against his shoulder. Hoseok sighs quietly. It’s nice, being so close to someone when he’s sick and achy.

He prays no one will catch his cold, because he’s too selfish right now to refuse a comfort so plainly offered. 

Changkyun’s face is the epitome of hurt disbelief as he stares at Kihyun first and then at Hoseok second, eyes wide and shining, “I’m... I’m not the one  _ keeping _ him. He stays out of his own will. He’s not something I own. Hee stays because he wants to and because he knows I love him.”

The bird whistles softly in clear agreement, flings himself into his human’s neck and for a second Changkyun looks like he’s regretting his open and affectionate words. But then Hee tucks himself under his chin and Changkyun’s face becomes impossibly soft when he touches his familiar.

Hyungwon’s hand tightens briefly around Hoseok’s shoulder.

“Even when I had nothing, I had him,” Changkyun says quietly and blinks a few times, too quickly to be anything else than an attempt not to cry. “He’s not just a familiar, he’s my friend. And I love him and I’m so glad I get to call him mine. But if one day he decides to leave, so be it,” his fingers shake as he strokes the bright feathers, as if just imagining the possibility of Hee leaving is painful, “It’s always going to be his decision. Only his.”

Hoseok feels his chest hurt -in a good way - when he hears those words. 

\---

They stay up with him for the rest of the day, stupidly ignoring their own health. Along with medicine, Hyunwoo brings his laptop from their flat and they all settle in Hoseok’s bed, him squished between Hyungwon and the eldest, Changkyun and Kihyun sitting side to side at the bottom. Jae-Hee’s perched on Changkyun’s shoulder, little head tucked under one wing and he’s sleeping peacefully. 

Even Hayan crawls in at one point, fur at her neck standing on point and belly to the ground, but she squeezes past all the limbs and covers and drapes herself over Hoseok’s lap. 

She’s tense, so tense but as soon as she feels Hoseok’s fingers trail along the line of her spine, she relaxes. Her purring is barely audible, but he can feel it as it seeps into his muscles and bones. 

The medicine Changkyun made him drink earlier was bitter and he can still feel the taste of it on the back of his throat. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments in his life, the younger one spoon-feeding him the thick syrup to Hyungown’s loud cackles. But it’s working slowly, because everything is very warm and hazy, but not uncomfortably, not like before. It’s like time has slowed down for him, crawling through a thick syrup instead of rushing by the way it does every other day. 

He rests his head more comfortably against Hyunwoo’s shoulder and lets his eyes close. He feels someone pull the covers up so they keep warmth in. He’s safe and taken care of. 

Like that, Hoseok drifts off to sleep.

\---

When he wakes up, it's to an almost complete darkness and an empty bed. He feels groggy and like someone stuffed cotton balls down his throat, the aftereffect of the medicine he’s taken earlier. But the ache in his body is gone and his eyes don’t hurt anymore. There’s the dim light of a night lamp coming through the door so obviously he’s not alone in his apartment. It’s a little like before when it was still day when he woke up and strained his ears. For now, he uses that barely-there sliver of light to find a glass of water on his nightstand and he’s unable to stop a smile when he realizes it’s warm, just a little over room temperature. It’s lemony and honey-sweet again, a perfect balance of the two. It does wonders for him again, makes him feel more like himself than a sawdust-filled doll and he registers more and more with each passing second. There’s a shuffle from the living room, a glass-like clink and then he can hear Changkyun’s voice, carefully quiet and oddly vicious.

“I just can’t believe you’re so full of shit. You’ve been lying this whole time and for what? Your damned pride?” 

For some reason, Hoseok’s not surprised he’s here, because Changkyun can be clingy and overprotective, even if he’s still unable to come to terms with the fact that both of those traits are directed towards  _ him  _ of all people. He is surprised at the sizzle of anger, at the vicious bite he hears in the words. 

“You’ll wake Hoseok up if you don’t calm down, Kyun.” Kihyun sounds so calm, so infuriatingly unphased and Hoseok can picture the way Changkyun’s jaw tightens at that tone of voice  _ perfectly _ . “Let him sleep.”

He’s about to call out for them when Changkyun speaks out again, “Why on earth do you even care, then?” His voice cracks somewhere in the middle of the question, so vulnerable and sad that Hoseok wants nothing more than to console the boy. “ All of this…God, how can you be so fucking cruel?” 

Silence is his only answer and Hoseok thinks he really should let them know he’s awake because whatever they’re talking about, it’s not his to listen to. And it couldn’t be clearer, really because Changkyun sounds like Kihyun broke his trust and heart in one go. 

Kihyun says nothing for the longest of whiles and the silence is so heavy, so thick Hoseok feel like he’s about to choke on it. 

Of course, that’s the moment he sneezes, sudden and loud enough to startle himself, and Hayan out of her sleep next to him. She looks at him with a proper offense and jumps out of the bed, tail flipping from side to side. He doesn't have the time to worry about her however as b oth of his friends are in his room the very next second, one of them flipping the light switch and Hoseok groans at the sudden brightness of it. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Kihyun says and switches the light off again, “We didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn't,” Hoseok says and carefully flicks on his own night light. The room fills with soft, dim light -it's not much, just enough to disperse the darkness, because he's always liked this sort of lighting - and he's able to finally take a good, proper look at both of them. They’re both lingering by the door and they’re both so wrong angled it hurts. Hoseok sighs and he doesn’t have it in him to pretend. “Why were you fighting?” 

Kihyun opens his mouth and closes it with a snap, looking away. Even in the semi-dark Hoseok can see how he flushes suddenly, the color crawling down his neck. Changkyun on the other hand, he straightens up, squares his shoulders. Hoseok sees how his throat works, as he swallows a few times.

“Kyun?” He urges gently, before taking another sip of his water but to his surprise, it’s Kihyun who answers.

He ducks his head, pulls on the sleeves so that they hide his hands, “Changkyun doesn’t approve of me not approaching my soulmate.”

Oh. Well.

That’s… that’s definitely not what Hoseok would ever anticipate. And definitely not Changkyun’s anger, at least. 

“Why?” He blinks in surprise before he coughs a little. Changkyun looks startled even more before he walks up, grabs the bottle of the syrup. “It’s ok, I can…. Oh. Ok, fine,” he’s still sleepy and so he allows the younger one to fuss around, feed him his meds and straighten his covers. He waits patiently before he can go back to the strange topic at hand, “Kyunnie, it’s his choice.”

“He’s being intentionally cruel. I keep telling him to tell the truth and...” 

“And I keep telling you, it would change nothing.” Kihyun interrupts him as he runs a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. He looks a little bit like a ruffled chicken like that, forehead all on display and dark hair sticking out in all directions.

“You don’t know that. It could change everything. For either of you and you’re… you’re holding this all back when it hurts both of you and it shouldn’t and you’re just…” Changkyun runs out of words and his chin downright wobbles. 

“Kyunnie, hey” Hoseok grabs his wrist gently, tiredly and the boy deflates immediately. His pulse is wicked under Hoseok’s fingers and so he rubs thumb gently over it, “I know you just want everyone to be as happy as you but this? That’s Kihyun’s to decide.”

Changkyun’s eyes flutter and his mouth forms an unhappy line. 

“It’s not fair,” he says and it comes out pained.

He’s got such a huge heart, Hoseok thinks fondly, to care this much about something that doesn’t concern him at all. He tugs him closer so he can ruffle his hair lightly. 

“I know it’s not. But you wouldn’t want anyone to force the bond on you, either” Hoseok says gently, tucks a few strands behind Changkyun’s ear with his other hand, “Or onto Wonnie.”

“But…”

“I learned a lot of things lately, about the bonds and everything, you know.” He says and turns his gaze to Kihyun, who looks poleaxed, his eyes all doe-like, “And I’ve been misinterpreting so many aspects of it. It should be wanted, by both sides, it should consensual and good. If it’s forced… they’ll end up even more hurt. So just…,” he falters for a second, unsure if he’s making things better or worse but the words need to get out, “Trust Kihyun with this? He’s your friend, you know he wouldn’t do this to hurt anyone.”

Changkyun stays quiet for a moment. His hair falls into his eyes, obscuring it from view as he looks down to where Hoseok’s fingers are still wrapped around his wrist. 

“If it was you,” he says finally and despite not being able to see him, Hoseok somehow knows there’s a shine of tears in his eyes because his voice is so thick with them. “If it was you, hyung, could you say the same?” 

Hoseok leans back, props his head against the pillows. Takes a moment to think about it, really think about it. “A year ago, I’d agree with you. Now, even if it was me,-” he pauses, tugs Changkyun a little closer to give him a light hug, “No. Especially if it was me, I’d like for us both to want it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, either, even if it were to be a soul bond.”

Changkyun makes a little sniffle, almost inaudible but it’s a sound that cuts through Hoseok’s heart. He’s not sure why Changkyun reacts like this, so strongly all of the sudden, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s hurting. 

“Alright,” Changkyun says finally, quietly and he untangles himself from Hoseok’s embrace. He rubs at his nose and keeps his eyes on the floor, for a minute before he straightens up, “I’ll be right back.”

Before Hoseok can react, Changkyun walks out, brushes pass Kihyun and leave the apartment altogether. The click of the door is surprisingly loud in the silence that's fallen and only once it clicks back into place, Kihyun sighs.  He’s been lingering by the door this whole time, fiddling with the long sleeves of his too-big shirt and Hoseok looks at him, waiting patiently.

He doesn't have to wait too long. 

“Thanks,” Kihyun says finally, coming up closer. He takes a seat next to him, closer than Changkyun previously had, “I appreciate it.”

Hoseok shrugs carefully and reaches for his water again. 

“I meant it,” he says after a while, stifling a yawn. “It wasn’t just for your benefit, you know.”

Kihyun doesn't say anything to that, but he twists a little in the spot where he’s sitting, his knee bumping into Hoseok’s thigh. He reaches out and presses a hand to Hoseok\s forehead.

“You know, you’ve got nice hands,” Hoseok murmurs, leaning into the touch because it’s a fact. Kihyun’s hands are quite delicate, in no way fragile, but they’re pretty and lean. And cool. So cool that just a touch makes Hoseok feel better as if he’d be able to brush the fever away. Kihyun acknowledges the compliment with a hum. 

“You’re still warm. Not like before, but still warm.” He frowns lightly after a moment, “I guess it’s for the best that Changkyun will stay here tonight.”

“He what now?”

It coaxes an amused huff out of Kihyun - that absolutely disbelieving way Hoseok blurts out the question barely managing not to choke on his own spit, because  _ what _ \- before he grins down at him, “You clearly cannot be left unsupervised, hyung.”

“I’ve lived alone for the last couple of years, you are aware of that? Before you all,” Hoseok says in defense, “I’ve been doing perfectly fine without anyone watching over me.”

“Have you?” Kihyun tilts his head and for yet another time Hoseok briefly wonders why does it look so familiar. “I’d say the state we found you is actually proof of quite the opposite. Do you even know how heavy you are? Trust me, it wasn't easy to handle all of you.”

“Meanie,” Hoseok sulks, fully aware he is pouting and closes his eyes, because Kihyun moves his hand to cup his cheek and it’s as nice as it feels against his forehead, “I’m sick, after all, shouldn’t you be all nice and caring towards me?”

“This _is_ me nice and caring,” there’s a laugh and a brush of thumb over the rise of his cheekbone before Kihyun takes his hand away despite the little noise of protest Hoseok makes. “Take it or leave it, hyung.” 

He’s starting to feel warm all over, that funny slow fuzzy feeling building up again. Another yawn escapes him and Kihyun clucks his tongue at him, ordering him to lie the hell down and pushing on his shoulder when Hoseok declines. Kihyun calls him a stubborn mule and he looks so fond, so soft in the scarce light and Hoseok’s feeling floaty on the nighttime syrup.

He gives in a little and rests his head back on the mountain of pillows the guys have somehow managed to scrounge up. This way Kihyun is almost towering over him, looking down at him with a smile and kind eyes and Hoseok feels a tiny bubble of something happy within him.

“And what if I take it?” He murmurs recklessly but they’re close enough that Kihyun hears him, hears him  _ perfectly _ if the sudden intake of air is anything to go by. His eyes are wide and he seemingly forgets how to blink for a moment, before he smiles, dimples showing and shakes his head.

“Oh wow, you’re  _ something _ alright, when you’re high on meds,” Kihyun says and it sounds so fond Hoseok can almost feel it. He fixes the covers all around Hoseok as best as he can with how he’s sitting, nevermind Changkyun did the same thing just minutes ago. He’s silent for a while, before he turns even more in his seat, and threads his fingers through Hoseok’s hair gently. He whispers then, “But you’ll be ok soon, you’ll see.”

It’s a strange thing to be reassured of because it’s just a cold, of course, he will be ok soon, as soon as the medicine will do its job. Still, a comfortable silence falls between them after those words. Kihyun remains sitting next to him, fingers gentle in Hoseok’s hair as they just look at each other, not saying a word. It should be strange, Hoseok thinks briefly, it should be awkward. They’re too close and Kihyun’s touch should be too much, too fast but instead, all Hoseok can feel is an overwhelming calm. He can feel his heart beating slow, steady. Sure. He could fall asleep like this easily and he almost does, eyes droopy and becoming heavier with every soft stroke. But he doesn’t want to miss a moment of this, whatever this is, of Kihyun so soft with him, 

The front door creaks again, Changkyun calling out that he’s back. 

Kihyun doesn't move or look away, but his gentle motions still and that’s how Changkyun finds them, staring at them from the doorway. 

“That’s… I mean...,” he stutters with hesitation and that’s what finally makes Kihyun move. He untangles his fingers and stands up, careful not to jostle the bedding too much. 

“Get well soon, hyung,” he says simply.

Hoseok shifts a little to see better and he smiles as he watches Kihyun reach out and pull Changkyun into a tight huh, the younger boy folding into it without hesitation. He whispers something into his ear and the younger boy nods, nose buried into Kihyun’s shoulder. They stay like that for a while and Hoseok can see how tightly Changkyun holds on, how his fingers are clenched at the small of Kihyun’s back. 

He can see how all of that tension bleeds out of Changkyun, and Kihyun continues to hold him, one hand rubbing gently between Changkyun’s shoulder-blades. He doesn’t let him go too quickly, even when the hug ends - instead, Kihyun presses their foreheads together for a moment or two, until he finally, finally steps away. He gives Hoseok one little wave, one tiny smile before he walks out of his sight and then, out of his apartment.

“You know I really don’t need any supervision, right?” Hoseok asks after a while, getting Changkyun’s attention because Changkyun is staring back into the living room, where Kihyun’s disappeared to, and clearly lost in his own thoughts. 

He seems slightly winded, slightly dazed before he gives himself a visible shake. He’s wearing a pair of worn-out sweats and a plain long-sleeved shirt, all soft cotton, and obvious comfort. Silent, he putters around for a while - flicks on the night lamp near Hoseok’s bed, goes back to the living room to close the door and turn off the light that’s been left there. Then Hoseok can hear him in the kitchen, probably refilling Hayan’s bowls with a bit of kibble for the night and fresh water. Finally, he comes back and grabs his bag, puts it by the foot of the bed, before he - again, so carelessly but in true Changkyun fashion- climbs into it and curls up next to him. 

“Kyun, you’ll get sick. At least go sleep on the sofa,” Hoseok murmurs without any conviction cause the whole day proved to him that his friends have no sense of self-preservation to speak of. Still, he can’t be blamed for trying, “You made sure I took the night meds, I’ll be…” 

Changkyun cuts him off without any hesitation, “You like him.” 

Hoseok huffs out a laugh because what need there was to state the obvious? “I do.” He smiles tiredly, fighting off sleep. “Wouldn’t let him touch me if I didn’t. And he’s surprisingly nice to be around once you get to know him. I thought you knew this best.” 

“No, hyung, I…”

“No, Kyunnie. Sleep.”

Changkyun props himself on one arm and looks him straight in the eye for a moment. As if he’s trying to look for something and Hoseok sighs, lets him look his fill. 

“Alright,” he finally relents and grabs one of the pillows to use as his own, wiggles under the covers like it’s the most natural thing in the world. His eyes are a bit red, tired and there’s something else in them that Hoseok isn’t able to decipher all that proper right now. “Alright.”

“I’m not babying you if you catch a cold, though,” Hoseok mutters and scrunches up his nose when Changkyun plasters himself at his side, fluffy hair tickling right underneath his chin. “You get sick, I’m dumping your sick ass straight into Hyungwon’s lap.” 

Changkyun chuckles tiredly and wraps one arm over Hoseok’s chest. 

They don’t say anything else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hands up who cringed at all of disgusting cute in this chapter **raises hand** 
> 
> follow and yell at me @ [ alielle ](https://twitter.com/alielle)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ “But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.”_  
― Martin Luther King, Jr. 

On the day of his 26th birthday, Hoseok wanders into the all too familiar bar with a headache building up and a foul taste on his tongue. He feels full to the brim with a strange feeling, an itch under his skin he doesn’t really understand. The whole day he felt like something was about to happen as if something unspoken was hanging over his head. 

He was restless.

It all made him feel strangely vulnerable, craving company and some sort of connection. Any sort of connection. 

He’s not used to feeling like this; this onslaught of something he’s unable to describe and name, this tangle inside of him.

Hoseok’s not certain when he decided that drinking would be a short-term solution to his problems, but alas, there he is. 

“Are you going to try and drink out the bar?” Changkyun slides onto the stool next to him as Hoseok raises his fingers at the barman for another beer. 

It’s his second so nothing too serious but Changkyun isn’t too far off with his assumption. 

“Haven’t decided yet,” he says and it comes our ough and snappish, so unlike him that it even rolls off his tongue all wrong. “What are you doing here?” 

“Hey, hyung, are you ok?” Changkyun’s hand is light, warm on his shoulder and Hoseok shrugs it off. “Wonnie texted me, saying you’re sitting here all alone. It’s not like you, at all. Do you want to go home?”

Hoseok shakes his head. 

Changkyun’s hand slips from his shoulder to the middle of his back, lays there warm and gentle and comforting, and _ not enough _ at all. “It’s just me and Hyunwoo hyung tonight. We were going to play Yut Nori, but if you want to join we can watch some shows or a movie?”

Hoseok does his best to crack a smile, however fragile and short-lasting.

“I don’t think I’m too good of a company today,” he says slowly, twirling the bottle in his hands. He takes a long drink, enjoys how the beer’s bitterness washes over his own, “Go home, Kyunnie. I’ll be fine.”

“Hyung,” there’s that unhappy line of his mouth and Hoseok musters all he has in him to reach out. He curls his hand over Chankgyun’s shoulder, gives it a little tiny squeeze.

“Hey, it’s ok,” he says gently and the gentleness comes so naturally when it’s Changkyun, “If anything, I’ll text you or Hyunwoo, alright? I think I just … need to be alone today for a bit.”

It’s clear that Changkyun doesn’t know what day it is and Hoseok’s pretty sure he never mentioned the exact date of his birth. It’s for the better, really. He also doesn’t quite catch the lie in what Hoseok says, but that’s understandable - Hoseok himself is unable to tell what on earth he wants or needs right now.

“Promise.”

It’s impossible not to smile, really and truly smile, when faced with Changkyun’s serious protectiveness. It makes something warm bubble inside of Hoseok for a second and he moves his hand, his pinkie outstretched. 

“Pinkie promise,” he says and he believes it, especially when Changkyun wraps his own little finger around his. 

Changkyun doesn’t say anything else after that, just gives him an odd-angled hug; one that lingers, that’s so tight, as if he could sense and feel Hoseok’s distress- even if he’s unable to understand what lies at the core of it.. When the younger boy walks away, Hoseok watches him with a small smile, the phantom hug lingering behind until he can no longer see him amongst the crowd. 

The barely-there warm feeling fades and the world becomes bleak once again, and his shoulders are heavy, slumping forward as he rakes a hand through his hair.

The music pulses through him when he takes a look around. 

It’s been a while since they came out here to the club - ever since got sick they kept to more indoor activities, like movie marathons and board games. As if he was so prone to catching colds all the time, Hoseok thinks with fondness. They’ve all been such a coddling bunch lately towards him, it should be cloying, suffocating. He should feel guilty that he takes up so much of their time and space, he should feel insulted that Hyunwoo checks in with him every evening they don’t see each other or that Hyungwon talked him into making a spare key for his apartment and giving it over to Changkyun. And instead, all that he feels is gratitude.

Today, however, he needs to feel _ more _.

Which is why he chose to come out today, Hoseok rationalizes to himself as he scratches at the damp label with one nail. The last time he was alone in this club, he did something very, very stupid. Something that was everything he wasn’t. He stares at the beer bottle in his hands and feels the _ itch _ to not be himself once again. Feels the need to feel anything that’s not, - not this stale grief and haunting longing for something unattainable. 

God, he’s been over this, Hoseok reminds himself, pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes so hard he sees spots dance behind his closed lids. He’s going to be just fine. He just needs to make it through the night. One way or another, even if he’s going to do what Changkyun was worried and drink his weight in beer to make it better. With a deep breath, he looks towards the dance floor. 

Someone takes the seat next to him, the one Chankgyun occupied not so long ago but Hoseok doesn’t pay them any mind at first. He’s too taken with the play of red lights and thick smoke that’s rolling over the dance floor. It’s an unusual choice - deciding to focus only on the red shades; it gives a very sinful look to the insides of the place, sensual and tempting. The bodies dancing are merely black shadows against the red strobes and the pink bellows of smoke, bodies pressed close as the music drops low and slow, the beat pulsing and guiding, revibrating within Hoseok’s bones and calling him forth. Unconsciously, he fiddles with the top button of his shirt, popping it open and sighing when the air hits his skin. It’s not cool, not by all means but it still feels pleasant once the collar is open. 

There’s a bit of a movement to his left as the person orders something from the bar - beer as well and the barman passes the bottle quickly. There’s a thick, jeans-clad thigh pressed against his. There’s a lick of heat that builds up at the contact and he takes another drink, looks up, blinking more blearily than it’s needed. He’s met with a coy smile and dark, narrow eyes. 

_ Any sort of connection _, his own voice whispers back to him as he watches the guy in front watching him. 

Hoseok puts down his beer, makes probably the worst kind of decision and smiles back. 

\---

_ You’re more _.

It resonates within his mind, fills every bone in his body and vibrates through him, causing the reality to crash onto him. The kiss is sloppy, all spit and no finesse. There are strong hands are in his hair, finger thick, the body boxing him in is bulkier and larger than his and Hoseok jerks away, filled with a stark, overwhelming sense of wrong. The bathroom wall is cold against his back where his shirt has ridden up and his lungs seem like they’re on fire, painfully constricting with each intake of air. 

“I can’t, sorry,” he breathes out, barely holding himself still enough not to wipe a hand over his mouth. “I’m so, co sorry.” 

The guy gives him the nastiest glare, before he storms out of the bathroom, muttering filth about baiting and not delivering and Hoseok leans heavily over the counter. He’s unable to look at his own reflection.

He can still feel the touch of large, greedy hands all over his shoulders, across his chest. He can still smell the perfume clogging up his nose, despite the club reeking of sweat and spilled alcohol and smoke. He feels…. he doesn’t really know what he feels right now, in some strange still-euphoric-already-guilty haze. As he splashes cold water over his face and tries to get himself under control, he can feel an all too familiar feeling settle itself in his bones. It makes his fingers tingle, makes his heart lurch inside of his chest painfully. He knew this was a bad idea on a bad night and still, he went with it, tried to find a scrap of fake affection, a moment of warmth in a place where he knew there was none. 

God. He wipes a damp hand over his face and forces himself to look up. He looks… He’s not sure how to describe it, really. There’s a telltale blush on his cheeks and his hair is messed up. But aside of the blood-red, that’s splashed across his cheeks and nose, he’s sickly pale - and his lips look like they’ve been bitten bloody, with how kiss-swollen they seem. His eyes are hooded, there’s a shadow growing under them. He looks as shaken as he feels.

He should have left when Kynnie offered to take him home, Hoseok thinks to himself and spits into the basin before he uses some water to rinse the inside of his mouth again. He wouldn’t be alone at least then, maybe he could have slept over after all after watching his friends be cute and competitive while playing games.

He’s made a bad decision though and now he has to make it through the night with the knowledge. 

It takes him a moment to calm down properly, for the heat to recede from his face - and he’s not sure if it’s still dubious arousal or embarrassment already. He makes his way towards the bar where he picks up his jacket; luckily the guy’s not there, the chair next to Hoseok’s seat thankfully empty. His tab’s already paid so he just slips it on and slowly, carefully pushes himself towards the exit. 

Seoul is dark and wet, the day’s previous drizzle not having let down. The streets are wet and all the lights reflect in puddles, neon bright and painful to look at. It’s cold too, maybe just a few degrees above zero, despite the fact that the day has been nice and warm. He zips up his jacket all the way up, buries his hands in his pockets as he breathes in the smell of damp concrete and the lingering car pollution. 

The light rain makes his hair fall into his eyes, dampness making the strands heavy as he stands outside the club and tries to figure himself out. 

His fingers itch funnily and he remembers Changkyun’s pinkie wrapped around his, the boy’s serious, too serious eyes and the unhappy line of his mouth. 

That’s something he probably should do - respect the promise he gave and go home, take a long shower to wash the feel of someone’s hands on his skin and go to sleep. Things will be better in the morning (they always are) and Hoseok’s still standing in the middle of the sidewalk, unable to move.

When he does, it’s in the opposite direction of where the building in which he lives is. 

Time blurs just like the city’s lights do when Hoseok merely keeps on walking, wanders the still busy streets and feels moisture run down from the hairline down his neck, despite the popped collar of his jacket. He’s not sure he’s even thinking of anything in particular, because his mind right now is like a hive and his thoughts are always buzzing bees. 

God knows how many minutes have passed - maybe turned into hours? - he’s not even sure he wants to know as he drags his feet over the wet streets, as he takes turns and shortcuts to who knows where. The leather of his jackets is uncomfortably heavy with rainwater, his shoes and cuffs of jeans having soaked up so much water he’s starting to feel the chill in his bones. 

When Hoseok finally looks up, it’s because he hears music and people clapping.

The Banpo fountain looks pretty as ever and there are onlookers enjoying the show despite the not so good weather. 

He’s pretty far from home, Hoseok muses as he takes a seat at one of the wet benches, his legs carried him all the way to the river Han’s bank. Mind as well spend some time here, watching the pretty rainbow display and listen to the music. 

He doesn’t have anything better to look forward to today, anyway. With a sigh, Hoseok lowers his head, threads fingers of both hands through his now wet hair. Something builds in the back of his throat, something unpleasant and tasting too much like silent misery to be anything but. 

He really should’ve gone with Changkyun, he tells himself for the nth time that night as he wraps his arms around himself, then looks up at the clouded up sky and wonders if the sting in his eyes is due to raindrops or because of stubborn tears he doesn’t want to shed. He thinks of what he was about to do in the club and his stomach twists and turns in sudden disgust. He takes a deep breath, feels his lungs expand with wet air and closes his eyes.

“I should take a picture of you right now to bring it up next time you’ll tell me how good you are at taking care of yourself.”

Hoseok turns so fast in his seat he nearly slides off the damp wood, mouth already open in a surprised ‘_ o’ _. He sees Kihyun standing not far from him, watching him with the deepest frown he’s ever managed to see on the other boy’s face.

“What are you doing here?” He asks and it’s probably quite a dumb question coming from him of all people.

At least Kihyun is standing under an umbrella and his hoodie looks warm and _ dry _ which is not what Hoseok can say for his own clothes.

“Going home,” Kihyun walks up closer and frowns even more (Hoseok’s surprises it’s even possible), the corners of his mouth arching downwards. “Do you want to get sick again and give Kyunnie an aneurysm?” He shuffles in so that Hoseok’s under the umbrella as well, not that it does anything good by now. He tugs his other hand from the hoodie’s pocket and without hesitation touches Hoseok’s cheek. 

The touch startles him and he makes a little jerky movement of his head before he looks down. Kihyun doesn’t seem to pay it any attention and his hand is dry and warm from where it was buried under the thick, warm fabric and it only makes it more real, more biting just how cold Hoseok is. He cups Hoseok’s cheek gently. 

“God, you can be so...” he mutters more to himself than anything else and then brushes his thumb over one cheekbone, “Hyung?” Kihyun tilts his head up ever so gently and Hoseok blinks up at him because Kihyun’s hand seems like the only source of warmth right now and isn’t that pathetic. 

Inside of his pocket, his phone buzzes with an incoming message but he does nothing to pick it up and reply. 

“What are you doing here, Hoseok?” Kihyun asks quietly after it becomes clear Hoseok’s not the one to speak out. His voice is laced-heavy with worry, just like his eyes and Hoseok shrugs, feels how stiff the leather has become because the movement is jerky, rough.

If only he himself knew the answer to that.

“I don’t … I thought I needed to be alone.” He says quietly and it’s then that he moves away from Kihyun’s touch and the warmth he brings with him, “It’s just that,- it’s been a bad day.”

Kihyun makes an agreeing noise in the back of his throat, and then touches his arm lightly, with certain hesitation (as if he’s afraid that Hoseok’s suddenly made of fine china, pale and breakable). His fingers end up damp with moisture and that frown is back on his face, even deeper than before.

“Come on,” Kihyun says finally, fishing out his own phone for a second, “You need to get home. You’re drenched.”

For a moment he’s tempted to decline, but he _ is _ drenched and he’s really starting to feel the chill settle itself in the marrow of his bones. 

“Yeah, might as well,” he mutters as he watches Kihyun’s fingers tap away quickly on the phone. He buries his face more into the stiff collar of his jacket and the words just tumble off his tongue, “It’s just been … I was at the club, you know. Almost did something stupid again and then I just, I just wandered around. And ended up here.”

Kihyun grabs his arm and gives him a little tug and Hoseok groans as he hefts himself up. He’s merely slightly taller than Kihyun is and he still goes willingly with the move. He ducks his head under the umbrella not to tangle his hair in the wiring. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Kihyun says as he leads him towards the main road, looking around as soon as they are closer to regular night time traffic.

“I know.” Hoseok nods and swallows thickly. His eyes keep burning and he’s trying desperately not to cry. Keeping the tears at bay is getting harder with every passing minute now, however. 

It’s his birthday and he’s being herded home like a half-drowned cat, he’s cold and miserable and ashamed of what he was about to do. 

“Hold this for a second,” Kihyun hands the umbrella over and slings his backpack over. He pulls out a scarf and wraps it around Hoseok’s neck.

It’s nice, some soft fabric that’s not scratchy and it keeps some of the cold away. It also smells so much like Kihyun that Hoseok tries not to breathe in in too deeply. 

The rain continues to fall, the puddles much bigger than they were before, Hoseok notices as he steps into one. He can feel the water seep into his shoe and Kihyun pulls him close immediately, scolding him for being so careless. When they finally grab a taxi he feels mostly numb, fingers tight over the umbrella’s handle and eyes fixed on the ground. 

Kihyun doesn’t say anything through the ride, not from the moment he gave Hoseok’s address to the driver. The city lights are a blur due to the rain, a bright, neon mess that makes his eyes hurt so much he needs to look away from the window. The scarf tickles his chin a little - it’s a strange sensation but at least it’s something he can focus on it, and not on the way his shirt is still rucked up under his jacket. His breath hitches in his throat, a half-swallowed noise that escapes before he can stop it. 

His hands curl into fists on the faux-leather seats, nails digging painfully into the soft inside of his palms.

Even then, Kihyun says nothing and Hoseok is unable to say if he’s grateful for that or he’s disappointed that on this day of all other possible ones, this is the day Kihyun decided to accept Hoseok’s tendencies to drag himself down. Not that he has any right to expect anything, Kihyun isn’t obliged to press him for answers, but out of all his friends, he’s the only one Hoseok would expect that from. It’s his thing, after all, to push and prod at Hoseok until he has no other option but to say the truth.

It’s not happening now, Hoseok thinks and bites at his lip, and he acutely feels the loss of a confrontation.

At first, he barely registers the touch over the back of his hand. Kihyun’s hand is still warm and dry, just like it was over the curve of his cheek, when he rests it over Hoseok’s tightly clenched fist. Tentative, as if unsure, before his thumb runs back and forth over Hoseok’s knuckles, over and over again until Hoseok relaxes his fingers, splays them flat against the seat. Hoseok’s heart does a painful kick inside of his chest when Kihyun laces their fingers together, slow but sure like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Kihyun staring out his window, silent and the lights wash over his face. 

Throughout the whole quiet ride, Kihyun doesn’t take back his hand and Hoseok can only hold on. 

\---

“Thanks,” Hoseok says when the taxi drives away and Kihyun walks him towards the door. He gives the umbrella back and Kihyun merely fastens the little tie around. “How much do I owe you?”

He’s a bit fuzzy on the details of the ride; he’s been tired and sad and the last couple of minutes the only thing he was able to focus on was the steady way Kihyun held his hand. When Kihyun moved it as their ride came to a halt, Hoseok felt the loss acutely.

“Come on,” now Kihyun says, putting a hand on Hoseok’s lower back and clearly steering him inside. “We’re getting you home, remember?” 

“You think I’m gonna get lost on the stairs?” He mutters in reply, feeling so tired all of a sudden. 

“Not on the stairs, no,” Kihyun’s answer is strange because where else he could get lost. “And I can’t really leave you here like this.”

“I’ll be fine.” The stairs creak a little as they make their way up and Kihyun’s hand is still as his back, and Hoseok wants to say it’s ok but at the same time, the touch is nice, like a gentle, barely-there tether. 

“I know you will, hyung. I know. Let's just get you home.”

They don’t talk more as they climb the stairs - Hoseok knows first hand how much the noises carry in the stairwell and knows it’s pretty late on a weekday, they shouldn’t interrupt the residents. 

Kihyun flips the light on when they finally reach his place and Hoseok blinks, feeling so so tired. 

“Hyung?”

“I’ll be fine,” he repeats almost out of habit, but it’s true, he will be. He just needs to ride this out all proper, for the first time in years he needs to just go through the pain he didn’t allow himself to feel. 

Kihyun sighs and pushes him inside his own flat a little.

“Go shower. Once you’re warm, you should sleep better.” He says and his words are so definite something within Hoseok curls up in a tight, cold ball. 

He looks a Kihyun, at how his eyes are dropping too, at the red tip of his nose. If not for him, Kihyun would probably be home already too, he realizes and the guilt lies thick on the back of his tongue. 

“Yeah,” he says instead and shrugs off the jacket, hangs it near the door. “I will, thank you.”

He picks up a clean shirt and a pair of sweatpants from his bedroom and throws one look over his shoulder before he enters the bathroom. Kihyun’s looking at him with that pinched expression that’s so familiar it hurts, that it causes Hoseok to regret not trying harder to prove that he’s just in a temporary slump. Instead, he just nods and gets a nod back, and that’s it. 

He closes the door behind him quietly and steps into the shower.

\---

Hoseok’s not sure how much time he spends under the spray of water but when he steps out, the living room is empty.

The flat’s eerily quiet, just the reading light on, the one near the table, barely dispersing the thick darkness. It’s like Hoseok had imagined Kihyun being there, but the phantom touch of a his hand at the small of Hoseok’s back is still there, the echo of a kind voice urging him along the whole way still rings in his ears. His jacket is on the back of the chair, draped all proper and closer to the heater so that it will dry out. Little things that make him certain he was not alone in just a few minutes ago, that Kihyun was real and not a desperate trick of Hoseok’s imagination.

But it sure seems he’s alone right now. 

There’s a faint trace of jasmine in the air and Hoseok looks around, his gaze falling onto his small dining space and makes an ‘_ oh _’ sound in the back of his throat. 

Kihyun made tea.

Somehow that seems to be the last straw to break the camel’s back, because as soon as he sees the steaming cup and a freshly brewed pot sitting on the table, Hoseok just seems to fall apart. Tears well up in his eyes, blurring his vision before they roll down his cheeks.

His knees thump into the floor as he finally, finally lets go.

He’s a silent cryer, always has been and that was more out of necessity than nature. _ “Soft”, _ his father would snarl at his whenever he caught the telltale wet tracks on his face. But tonight, noises escape him even if he doesn’t want them to. He hiccups once and chokes on his tears even as he wipes furiously with one hand at his eyes. Maybe he should cry it all out, he thinks pitifully to himself. 

He’s going to be alright tomorrow, but tonight… tonight, he just,-

Didn’t want to feel so damn alone for one single night.

With his hands pressed to his mouth, trying unsuccessfully to muffle his crying, he never really noticed that there are two cups on the table or nor does he hear the quick, light footsteps.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Kihyun’s voice cuts through his sobs like a hot knife through butter and Hoseok jerks his head up. Kihyun already kneeling next to him, reaching out to pull Hoseok closer, “Come here, come here. It’s ok, hyung. It’s ok.”

They way Kihyun pulls him into a hug is so natural, Hoseok has no choice but to follow and fold into the embrace. He’s tucked in close, his forehead on Kihyun’s shoulder, as Kihyun makes shushing noises in the back of his throat and keeps running his hands over Hoseok’s back as he cries. 

He’s probably ruining Kihyun’s shirt with tears and snot but Hoseok’s unable to do anything else but desperately hold on. Kihyun’s frame is smaller, daintier; he always seems made of hollowed-out bones but right now he seems strong and sturdy and the only thing keeping Hoseok from completely falling apart.

“Why,- why are you still here?” Hoseok chokes out finally, as he raises his head, vision once again blurring until Kihyun is a darker spot against a poorly lit room, “I-I thought…”, he hiccups again. 

Cool fingers push his hair back out of his eyes, wipe the tears away from his cheeks. “That I left?” Kihyun murmurs softly, keeps touching him gently, soothingly, “I just went to make your bed while you were showering. Didn’t think you’d imagine I’d leave you.”

Hoseok blinks at him, as Kihyun pulls him back up to his feet, which are unsteady at best. He’s going to regret this outburst so much tomorrow, he can already feel how clogged up his sinuses are, how his head feels stuffed full of cotton. Taking a breath, he takes stock of more things - like his own hands tightly clenched on the hem of Kihyun’s shirt. The dampness on his shoulder. Kihyun’s hands constantly touching his shoulder or going through his hair, gentle and restless; grounding.

He’s feeling sorry enough for himself, so much that he blurts out the truth.

“But it would make sense if you did,” he says quietly and forces himself to step away from Kihyun, to slip from underneath his grasp. 

“In what world,” Kihyun starts slowly as he places himself in front so that Hoseok is unable to escape, "Would leaving you right now make any sort of sense?”

Hoseok shrugs; he’s tired, feels like a complete fool and he’s unable to say if the headache he feels on starting is one of his normal ones or something else altogether, “My world? Look.' he tries again, "You don’t have to worry, I’m gonna be fine, Kihyun. There’s no reason for you to linger about just because I almost did something stupid.”

Kihyun stares at him for a while, with that all too familiar expression - focused, tight, with brows pinched and lips a flat line. The one that’s always followed by a snide remark or something else that cuts deep and fast.

“If it’s something that upsets you this much, hyung, it’s not stupid,” Kihyun says finally and surprisingly there’s no sharp edge to his words. Instead, he sounds almost sad, “And don’t say it didn’t. Upset you that is because we both know better than that. How could anyone leave you alone when you’re ... this?” 

Hoseok only shrugs again, wants to fidget under the gaze as he scrambles to say anything, anything that wouldn’t make him come out even more pitiful than he already has.

What comes out instead is a little meek, a little broken, “‘Cause that’s how it's always been.”

Because he was always supposed to be ok, always fine. Always making his way through the day, picking himself up over and over and over again, never bothering anyone. His reply makes all air rush out of Kihyun and his shoulders lose their rigidness. He steps in even closer and Hoseok doesn’t have anywhere else to go unless he wants to crash into his own table. He doesn’t so he’s left looking at Kihyun, whose eyes are sad and whose mouth is pulled into an unhappy little line. He rests a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder, rubs his thumb in a little circular motion for a moment until he lets it drop. 

“Well, let me tell you a secret then,” Kihyun says gently, carefully and he doesn’t look away from Hoseok's face. Without a trace of doubt, he takes Hoseok’s shaking hands in his, gives them a little squeeze and twines their fingers together in the same manner as he did so in the taxi - without any hesitation, squeezes them just the right amount of tight to accentuate his next. “In my world, Hoseok, you are enough of a reason to _ stay _.”

\---

“I didn’t know it was your birthday,” Kihyun asks all of the sudden and Hoseok tenses. Kihyun’s fingers immediately press into his scalp, easing the tension that keeps coming and going in waves, “Easy there, it’s fine that you didn’t say anything.”

It's way past midnight already and Hoseok’s tired enough that his heart doesn’t even speed up when Kihyun says that, the sudden tense his only reaction. It’s hard to react any more than that though when he’s finally warm and Kihyun’s fingers are working their magic. 

“How’d you know?” He slurs out and rubs his cheek against Kihyun’s thigh. The touches help, keep him calm after he shook through what seemed to be hours of spilling hus guts and soul. 

“You phone fell out when I hanged your jacket and lit up when I picked it up.” He rubs a little circle behind one of Hoseok’s ears, a gesture that makes Hoseok feel like he’s about to turn into a puddle of exhausted goo. “I didn’t mean to read anything, but I think it was your brother who wished you a good one.”

“Ah.” Hoseok sighs as he turns to lie on his back so that he can look up at Kihyun properly, “Yeah. He always does.” 

He waits for anything, any sort of reaction at that, but Kihyun merely hums in the back of his throat, pushes some hair out of Hoseok’s eyes. 

“That's probably for the better, I mean, Kyun would probably throw you a whole ass party,” Kihyun says after a while, looking down at him with a twinkle in his eye, “I’m sure he’d find the most garish cat balloons for you. And make me cook ramen in all possible variations. And that’s not even touching what Wonnie would do. You know what?” He grins, sharp and bright and it's perfectly visible even in the dark and something within Hoseok settles. Kihyun leans in closer, lowers his voice to a confidential whisper as he taps Hoseok's nose with one finger, “For the sake of us both, let us keep this a secret for a while longer.”

It’s nearing dawn when Hoseok finally falls asleep, just like that, with his head in Kihyun’s lap and Kihyun’s fingers in his hair.

\---

When Hoseok wakes up the next morning, he’s alone and he feels an uncomfortable kind of heavy. His eyes are bleary, half-crusted with gunk that he tries to rub out. He’s also painfully reminded that even the tiniest bit of alcohol makes him bloated up as he stares at his fingers, sees the swollen digits.

Well, that was a rather splendid night, he thinks and he’s not able to block out the wave of self-depreciation that washes over him. Then he remembers Kihyun, how he herded Hoseok to his own bed and spent the night with him, coddling him and embarrassment is added to the mix. 

There’s a hiss from the other room, vicious and low and Hoseok sits up.

“Believe me, I am as thrilled to see you as you are to see me,” Kihyun’s voice reaches him from the living room and that’s the most dead-pan he’s ever heard him. “But glare and hiss at me all you want, you foul creature, I am not leaving.”

Curious, Hoseok stumbles out of the bed and through the door just to see Kihyun at the table, nursing the only chipped mug in his collection in his hands and glaring at his cat. Hayan is _ oh so _ obviously glaring back from one of her favorite places - high up on the bookshelf - all flat ears and fur on her back standing up.

“Play nice,” he mutters and downright cringes at the sound of his own voice. He cried like a little bitch yesterday and it’s perfectly mirrored in the croak that leaves his mouth. 

Upon hearing her human, Hayan immediately changes her behavior. She jumps gracefully down to the floor and trots to greet him, twirls cheerful eights around his ankles and purrs so loud someone might as well record it and use as a white noise sound. 

At least someone’s always happy to see him, he thinks as she bumps her head against his calf, leaving white fur all over the material of his sweats. Also if it feels strangely like she’s making a point of some sort. 

“Good morning,” Kihyun greets him casually, takes a sip of his drink. He’s watching Hoseok over the rim of the mug and there’s not much of the soft boy left in him this morning, which Hoseok supposes was to be expected. There’s always some sort of embarrassment involved after someone bears everything in front of you and it works both ways. He for sure doesn’t feel very sure of himself right now. “Did you sleep well?”

Hoseok shuffles around, before he replies, “As well as I could, I suppose. I’m getting strangely used to seeing you the first thing in the morning in my own flat.” He says without thinking and runs a hand through his hair,, “I’ll just…,Look, Kihyun, I-, just give me a moment, ok?” 

Kihyun raises one brow and Hoseok swears he sees a tick of his mouth as if he’s trying not to grin before he shrugs, “By all means, hyung. This is your place, after all.”

Hoseok pretty much hides himself in the bathroom. He takes his time brushing his teeth like his life depended on it. Washes his face three times. Applies eye drops two times, just in case. Almost decides on taking a shower, but that would border on rude, even if he has a feeling Kihyun would be the one not to mind Hoseok being rude at all. 

After god knows how much time, he walks out, unable to hide in the bathroom forever. At least he’s feeling _ and _looking better, face scrubbed clean and pink, eyes bright.

He should probably explain, that he doesn’t usually think as low of himself as it seemed last night. Because Hoseok doesn't, he really doesn't. He knows he’s a smart boy, pretty good looking and with good manners. He’s doing good in his life, with his work and his friends. But there’s something about his birthdays that just,- drags him into the ground and digs up every single insecurity he has. 

He steps into the kitchen with a resolution to properly tell everything, because by accident he said the truth and he feels too tired to keep it hidden anymore.

Once he crosses the threshold, however, all of his resolution crumbles as Hoseok is greeted with the sight of bowls of rice, spicy cucumbers, shigeunchi and kimchi, namul and Kihyun at the tiny stove, flopping vegetable omelettes onto a plate. He’s got a towel tucked into the waistband of his jeans and a concentrated look on his face. The food smells divine and the boy in his kitchen looks so domestic that Hoseok almost pinches himself, because this pretty much seems like an unreal fantasy than anything else.

“Just how long was I in there?” He asks out loud and cringes because it sounds dumb even to his own ears. 

Kihyun laughs at that and passes on a mug of steaming coffee in his direction. “Sorry, I should have asked, but you know I like to cook. And well. Thought you might like something more substantial to get into yourself after yesterday.” 

His stomach growls at him and he feels his cheeks warm at the loud sound. “Yeah, I just…”, Hoseok stops there, sighs and run a hand through his hair as he takes in all of the food, “I guess you can say I’m surprised.”

It earns him a tilt of Kihyun's head, a slow thoughtful blink before Kihyun turns the stove off. “By the food or the fact that I’m still here?” 

Hoseok winces, lowers his head. Flashes from yesterday appear in his head, his tears and choked sobs, Kihyun’s soft voice and gentle fingers. He should have expected that sort of question. 

“Both? Either?”

“Hyung.” Kihyun walks up to him, lingers just within reach but just outside of it as well. 

His previous resolution crumbles to dust and is gone because all of the sudden Hoseok doesn't really feel like he’s up to having a Conversation with anyone right now. And least of all Kihyun, who witnessed a completely and utter meltdown on his end and who literally spent the night picking up the pieces. 

“Please don’t,” Hoseok says quietly, lowering his eyes. He remembers the time when Kihyun was the one to say those words, in the same room, to a different person and Hoseok wonders briefly if he felt as raw like he does then. “Just…don’t. Not now, at least, please. And for what it’s worth,” he bows his head a little, “I’m really sorry for troubling you like this.”

For a second, Kihyun looks like he might actually step down. Like he might let it go and allow Hoseok to gather his wits around, let him find his footing once again. Then he straightens up and Hoseok swallows thickly, inwardly braces himself for whatever’s about to come out of his mouth.

“You are _ not _,” Kihyun says and manages to take Hoseok’s breath away just with three words, “You’re not being an inconvenience, trouble or god knows what else you think you are.”

“I,-” 

Kihyun doesn’t let him continue, instead, he shuffles in close and thumps one hand over Hoseok’s chest. It actually hurts a little bit, Hoseok admits in the privacy of his mind and feels ashamed of how somehow he never suspected Kihyun of any strength at all based purely on his slender appearance. “Staying with you when you need someone is not a chore. _ Caring _ for you is not a chore either,” he seethes through his teeth, eyes bright and pretty even under tightly pinched brows and he places both palms flat on Hoseok’s chest, “So just...stop apologizing. Stop this whole…You can’t make me do things I don’t want.”

“I know,” Hoseok’s replies oh so quiet and fragile. Yes, he knows because Kihyun is strong and proud and doesn’t bend to society’ whims of what is considered acceptable. 

“Then trust me, Hoseok.” He says and there’s a burning conviction in his words, a bright, bright light in his eyes, “I wouldn’t have come with you if I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t have stayed with you if I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t still be here _with you_.” 

Kihyun’s words - and his hands still on Hoseok’s chest, burning through the threadbare t-shirt he wore to sleep - make something crack within him and Hoseok was sure he ran out of tears the night before, but they still stung his eyes before he blinks them quickly away.

“Ok.” He mutters quietly because what else is he supposed to say.

“We’re friends,” Kihyun says and his voice shakes a little, his eyes finally leaving Hoseok’s face. His fingers tap out a little rhythm over Hoseok’s heart, before he looks up from underneath his lashes, “Aren’t we?” 

Hoseok opens his mouth, closes it immediately. Yeah. They’re friends. Even family, as Hyungwon once said. Somehow it doesn’t feel as nice as he thought it would, but he still nods. Kihyun takes a step back, but his fingers find Hoseok’s wrist, cool and lean as they wrap around the pulse under his thin skin. “Come on, let’s eat,” he says gently, tugging him towards Hoseok’s own table, "You'll figure out the rest later." 

It’s hours later, long after Kihyun has left when Hoseok recognizes the feeling he felt when Kihyun said they’re friends. He blinks in sudden surprise at himself. It’s been awhile since he felt it that he almost forgot how disappointment feels like.  


“We’re friends,” he repeats out loud to Hayan when she saunters in with her battered hamster toy in her mouth, “We’re friends.”

She cocks his head at him, obviously confused before she noms on the hamster's head. 

_ You like him _, he remembers Changkyun’s voice in his own darkened bedroom. 

_ I do _, he replied without hesitation, feeling medicine fuzzy and happy and sleepy soft.

He remembers Kihyun's dark eyes, soft around the corners, he remembers the shadows that accentuated the dimples on his cheeks. He remembers the quiet, long hours in the library they’ve spent together. And then he remembers how effortless it is to smile at Kihyun and how good he always feels with him around. He remembers the calm that washed over him yesterday, at the feel of Kihyun’s fingers in his hair. How Kihyun’s words are always so easy to believe in, how he trusts in what he says to be true. How somehow, he’s learned to believe that Kihyun won’t hurt him and,-

Oh.

_ Oh. _

“I do like him,” he whispers quietly to himself, a little bit dumbly and Hayan looks up briefly from where she’s sinking her teeth into the plush. She flicks her tail once and rolls to her back, her hind legs working restlessly against the toy. She looks ridiculous like this and it always makes Hoseok grin with utmost fondness.

Maybe his birthday ended up in a disaster. Maybe he’s a bigger mess than he ever thought, than he ever admitted to himself - because he broke down like a child. Maybe he should be scared of this sudden realization, of the way his heart flutters when he thinks of a boy with sharp eyes and a soft heart. But he doesn't feel like he’s scared, not at all. He thinks of Kihyun and all he feels is an elated kind of happy like he’s found more than one reason to smile.

And oh, does he smile; so wide it causes his cheeks to ache and maybe that actually should be the scariest thing of all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter number defined. we're at the last stretch, folks.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ “You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly”_  
– Sam Keen 

Yeouido Park is full of people and sun and laughter, and somehow it all fits, Hoseok thinks with fondness as the cherry blossoms fall all around him. It’s Spring again and the air is fresh as he breathes it in. It has been a strange year - it’s been both languid and fast-paced somehow, both at the same time, with so many things happening. 

A year since Changkyun lingered around Hoseok’s workstation, like a little persistent bee, reminding him of his empty promises and making Hoseok finally cave, accept his invitation. He kept dragging him out ever since, to spend weekends with them, to go out to movies and picnics together. Somehow, a bit less than a year ago, he suddenly he found himself with actual friends. Not just friends, but family who will drag him out when he’s in a slump. Who listen to him when he needs them to and then talk over him in the best way. Who accept him the way he is. Who will care for him and let him care for them in return, in all their strange little ways. 

A year since he found Hayan. He took her in and started remembering what it meant to care for a living, breathing being. She stayed once she was better, slept curled in his legs and woke him up with insistent licking of his nose. She became his little ray of sunshine, his little source of warmth every single day. He never thought he could love an animal like he loved her - just the thought of her made him smile and he had as many photos of her on his phone as parents have of their children.

A year since he met Kihyun. A year since he started cutting himself on Kihyun’s sharp words and barbed remarks, until he learned to read those for what they were and he started hearing what Kihyun was really saying instead. A year of angered words that turned into long, welcomed silences, that then turned into long gazes and gentle touches.

The same Kihyun who - right now - is standing in front of him, pretty pink cherry trees at his back. He is looking at him, as if Hoseok suddenly grew an extra head, with wide eyes and his mouth hanging slightly open.

  
“You, ah,- come again?” There’s a higher pitch to Kihyun’s voice as he clearly, desperately tries to keep his cool and fails miserably so.

Kihyun seems downright poleaxed and there’s a tinge of cotton candy pink on his cheeks. It matches the cherry blossoms around them perfectly and yet, he manages to look so  _ offended _ that Hoseok sort of wants to kiss him right there and then.

“I said,” Hoseok grins, sways slightly on the soles of his feet. He feels like there’s something happy bubbling within him, something ridiculously optimistic and somehow sure, as he looks at Kihyun all shellshocked, “Go out with me. On a date.”

The emotions that show up on Kihyun’s face are so clear to see, despite how quickly they pass and merge together. There’s surprise, then a shadow of doubt; elation comes next- with his eyes going even wider, brighter and it makes Hoseok’s heartbeat a little faster - before they all are so forcefully shut down. 

It’s almost painful to watch - Kihyun schools his face into the usual mask nothing short of perfect, the transgression nearly seamless, but now, Hoseok’s seen the cracks. He wants to dig his fingers into those, wants to pull and make them crumble, he wants,-

He wants.

He just  _ wants _ .

“Why?” Kihyun asks quietly and there is something unbelievably vulnerable in his voice, something fragile in his eyes. It makes Hoseok think of glass ready to shatter, of something so easy to break and ground into dust. “You know I have a soulmate. Isn’t that against some soul bond rules that you’ve always been so fond of?”

A year ago, it would be. A year ago Hoseok wouldn’t dare to approach someone like Kihyun and not only because of the fact that he had a soulmate. 

A year ago, he wouldn’t like Kihyun at all. 

“You don’t want them, though.” He says and steps up closer, ignores the way Kihyun’s fingers tighten visibly where they’re curled around his camera. “Otherwise you’d tell them. And I can claim to know why you didn't, but who knows but you, right? Maybe it’s because they're an awful person, kicking puppies for sports or making babies cry, I don’t know. But there must be a reason you don’t even want to be friends with them. Not just the fact you don’t need them, because you’re right that you are enough all on your own,” he smiles happily because that mask Kihyun wears so well slips a little. It makes him feel brave like he only ever is in Kihyun’s presence and Hoseok reaches out, brushes his knuckles against his cheek. Words bubble out of him as he feels the warm skin under his fingertips, commits the sensation to memory before he lets his hand drop. “And I don’t have one either way so you’ll never have to worry that I’ve been designed or, or programmed or something to feel anything for you. So, Kihyun. This right now? This is all me. 

“I wanted to ask you out for a while now,” he continues after taking a deep breath, voice going so much softer as his heart lodges itself in his throat. There’s always a chance he imagined everything, that his mind conjured all the lingering touches, the long looks, and the comfortable silences. It’s taking a leap of faith and Hoseok’s willing to do it, to put himself out there like this for the first time in what seems like forever. “Kept putting it off, because I was scared. Cause what if I imagined it all, because what if you were merely indulging me. But I really like you, Kihyun.” His voice sounds so small all of the sudden, “And not only because I think you’re so pretty it’s unreal, but the point is I … I like your jaded, tiny ass and how you’re never sorry for challenging everything I believe in. And I think there’s a chance that you might like me back…? And you have to know that you don’t make me feel like I’m suddenly complete, because instead when you're around, I don’t feel like I have to be complete anymore. You make me realize that I’m enough the way that I am, that I am the best version of myself, because of sheer the fact that I  _ am _ myself.” 

Kihyun remains silent, keeps his mouth stubbornly closed but there’s a definite shine to his eyes as he keeps them on Hoseok’s face. It’s as if he’s looking for some sort of lie, of dishonesty, like a skittish animal that has faced kindness for the first time. 

Hoseok’s got nothing of the sort in him, but he lets Kihyun look as long as he needs to. He knows enough of Kihyun’s history to understand where the distrust stems from.

But the fact is, Hoseok woke up in the morning that day and felt how warm it was, how sweet was the scent of Spring and as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he suddenly thought that he went through twenty-six years of his life yearning for something abstract and impossible. And that he was done moping because his life was more about finding a soulmate. He ate breakfast outside in a little cafe, exchanged few silly memes with Changkyun and Hyungwon in their private chat and. Made plans for the weekend with Hyunwoo, agreed to the stupid, reckless idea of entering a proper dance contest and agreed that yes, they needed to go shopping for outfits. 

And when the sun was high in the sky, he ran into Kihyun at the park. Hoseok saw him out of a sudden - say Kihyun in the distance, so pretty, so serious and so focused on taking pictures of the trees and the crowds. He felt the way his lips immediately stretched in a wide smile, felt his heart skip a beat happily and decided to stop leaving his life in the hands of fate. 

And now he was left waiting, left standing there in front of the boy with sharpest eyes and softest heart, waiting for his answer.

“Hayan.” Kihyun says then, breaking Hoseok’s train of thought and he blinks a couple of times.

He supposed he would be sort of ok with a rejection, it was an outcome he took into consideration (at some degree) when he first opened his mouth, but the name of his cat is not exactly what he was expecting to hear after sort of pouring out his heart. He opens his mouth, wants to ask what on earth does she has to do with  _ anything _ because Hoseok just sort of poured his heart out. There’s a half purr- half meow and Hayan is there, at their feet, twirling eights around Kihyun’s ankles. She rubs her flat head against his calves, the purring becoming louder and louder with every passing second and it all kind of blows Hoseok’s mind.

“The hell…?” He says out loud because he’s sure he locked the door on the way, and there is no way she could get out on her own, “Hayan...?”

And well, then there’s the fact that she’s acting so damn friendly with  _ Kihyun _ of all people. It was already a running joke between their little group of friends that Hayan would probably claw Kihyun’s eyes if she were given a chance. 

“You’re both right and wrong, you know,” Kihyun says finally, apparently not fazed at all with Hayan’s sudden appearance or odd behavior. “You’re right, I… I do like you. But you’re  _ so  _ wrong about my soulmate,” Kihyun’s pretty eyes are oddly shining when Hoseok looks back up at him and suddenly he’s gripped with fear, one that runs cold and unpleasant before Kihyun speaks out again, “I do like him. I like him  _ so much _ it hurts to breathe around him sometimes and he’s such an amazing person. It’s impossible not to like or want him once you get to know him. He,- he’s so sweet and so kind, sometimes too much for his own good. He cares so much about his friends, always makes sure they’re doing okay. Cares for strangers too, always willing to help out even when he doesn’t really like them.” Kihyun takes a deep breath, blinks rapidly a few time before continuing, “He’s funny and smart, and god, he’s so beautiful it’s unfair. He’s a bit of a dumbass though, always the first to put himself down or to think the worst about himself. He doesn’t see how wonderful he is, just the way he is. Thinks he’s broken or unloveable when he’s anything but, when he’s already got so much love within him and around him.”

Hoseok feels slightly unsteady on his legs and he has trouble breathing properly. Partly because this is probably the longest he’s ever heard Kihyun say in one go that’s not spite or dripping sarcasm and partly because Kihyun’s words don’t really make a lot of sense. And somehow  _ they still do _ and it makes Hoseok’s breath come short. Hayan is now looking up at him too, one of her ears flicking constantly and he swears that what lingers in her bright blue-green gaze is fond expectation.

So yes. He feels like he is missing a vital piece of information or, or maybe he’s just missing air in his lungs, because, because,- 

“You said you didn’t know your… didn’t know him,” he manages out and Kihyun tilts his head a little to the side and Hayan does that too and oh god, that’s why he always thought this looked familiar to him, Kihyun’s curious little head-tilt. Hoseok looks around for a bench, because he needs to sit down, right now. Luckily there’s one just next to them and so he sits rather heavily, trying to gather his wits around him. 

He stares at the petals littering on the ground for a long moment.

Kihyun sits next to him, close enough for their thighs to press lightly. “I told you I knew him from the moment I met him. I never said anything about not  _ knowing _ him. And fine, have it your way, I might not have exactly  _ liked _ you at first, but that wasn’t exactly personal. I don’t like a lot of people in general, you know that.” He reminds Hoseok gently and Hayan makes that  _ mrreow _ sound again, steals Kihyun’s attention for a moment as he sighs, leans down a little and picks her up. Obviously he doesn’t care he just pulled the proverbial rug from under Hoseok’s feet because he gives her a scratch behind the ears and scoffs fondly when she meows again, butts her head against his hand. “God, you’re so annoying, can’t you just wait a while longer? Twelve years since you fucked off and  _ now _ you’re in a rush?”

“I-I thought she hated you,” Hoseok says dumbly - it seems that all he can do right now is to state the obvious, because  _ I might not have exactly liked you at first  _ rattles around his mind somewhat fierce _ ,-  _ and his words earn him another scoff. It’s ok though because once again, Kihyun somehow manages to make the sound come across as absolutely fond and warm. 

“Na-ah, this old furball doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. However, she's a goddamn pain in the ass, I mean,” he gives her a little shake and holds her up a little as if she’s Simba or something and Hayan still looks so damn satisfied as she purrs and purrs,” ‘Seok, she made  _ my own soulmate _ of all people draw the worst conclusions possible about himself, only because she gets into more trouble than she’s worth. What sort of asshole familiar does that?”

“But...  _ Kihyun _ ,” He says his name in a way that somehow cracks midway. 

He’s about to downright  _ plead _ because there’s something inside of him that’s so close to hope, that sort of hope he has long ago buried never to uncover again and if this is a joke, Hoseok doesn’t think he could take it. He doesn’t think Kihyun could be that cruel, doesn’t believe it, not really, but,-

He needs an explanation, any sort of it, really. Needs to makes sense out of this all somehow. Kihyun’s eyes are gentle when he looks up at him from beneath his dark fringe.

“You were so hung up on the idea. You clung to this, this ridiculous motion of how  _ not _ enough you are because seemingly you were born without a soulmate,” he says quietly, before he bites at his lower lip, gnawing on it lightly before speaking up again. “You were so sure that the crux of things was you having or not having a soulmate, that it was the only factor determined who you were that you didn’t even think to,- I mean, even when people asked you out,  _ took _ you out, you would just sit there, smiling politely, so sure you’re somehow unlovable. It made me want to shake you so bad, just to get you out of that slump.

“That night at the club?” Kihyun says after a short pause and his cheeks flush with more color then, “When you were so sure someone did something to me, remember? It was both one of the best and worst experiences in my life.”

Hoseok can only nod and cringe slightly at that, because that, - yeah, that was an uh, interesting night for him. He did what he wanted at the time, yes, but hindsight caused his stomach to turn uncomfortably. 

That particular night, he and Kihyun were less than acquaintances, there was barely anything friendly between them - more of a forced tolerance than anything else - and Hoseok has been angry, so angry that he… Well. Alcohol and dancing happened and the guy was so, so pretty in a sharp kind of way and Hoseok was feeling the drunk kind of brave, and in hindsight, he could have done way worse things than a quick handjob in the bathroom stall. And in the end, he felt relieved, riding a high and then crashing down hard into a sense of  _ wrong.  _

He came back to the table to see Kihyun flushed and bright-eyed, and clearly trying to drink out his weight in soju. Worried something happened, Hoseok took him home, made sure he drank a lot of water and that was that. 

Except it seems, it wasn’t just  _ that.  _ Because Kihyun said things back then, in that honest way only a drunk off their feet person can, with a conviction and brokenness Hoseok would never think him capable of. He said words that would return to Hoseok time and time again, push him forward when something good was about to happen or held him back from making a bad decision. 

“Familiars make you feel everything,” Hoseok says in a flat tone but something within him coils tight and unpleasant. “And you came to the library looking for a way to sever the bond with your familiar after that night.”

“Yeah,” Kihyun sighs and for a second he lowers his eyes, rubs the back of his neck as it turns as pink as his cheeks, “I told you. Best and worst experience.”

Blinking - that’s all he’s able to do for a good couple of minutes before Hoseok starts to speak slowly, uncertain and his voice is wavering, “And I’m… you’re-,” 

“Yeah, you are,” Kihyun simply strokes Hayan’s head again lightly, his voice so small, “And yeah, I am.”

“Oh god.” Is all that leaves Hoseok mouth because he’s unable to wrap his mind around this just yet, at what Kihyun is really saying, about everything turning into so much all at once. 

And well. Kihyun is right in his earlier assessment of him because Hoseok really did believe all of the worst about himself, didn’t he? He believed that no soul mate meant no love for and from him, so he took scraps of affection where he could and told himself it’s the best he could ask for. 

Now that he thinks about it, even that 80-year-old man has been married, he’s even got grandchildren now. He might… have been overly dramatic over the years, Hoseok realizes and he apparently took Kihyun along for one shitty ride.

And speaking of shitty rides,-

“So when you found me at Banpo…”

Kihyun shakes his head immediately, “That actually  _ was _ an accident. I ditched a couple of friends because I felt… well. Whatever it was going on with you. I really was going home and I merely took the long route, because I needed to clear my head a little.” Kihyun huffs out and looks down at Hayan and she blinks up at him, her pink tongue flicking out a little before she settles in again. “Hayan doesn’t come with a GPS of some sort, you know. I can’t say where you are or anything like that.”

“So.” Hoseok says finally, running a hand through his hair, “Back then. The club. When I was sick? And then, earlier, my,-” his voice hitches and a well-known pain wraps itself around his heart, “My mom?”

“Yes. And your headaches. All the times you felt numb, and all the times you were suffering and all the times you felt like breaking.” Kihyun leans back a little, looks up at the blue blue sky above them, “I’ve got the first-row seat to your heart when I turned twelve and you never got to say  _ anything _ about it. You can’t blame me for wanting to lessen the bond to break it. It wasn’t fair to either of us.”

The thing is, Hoseok really doesn’t blame Kihyun. When Kihyun told him he’s done researching the subject, he assumed that it was done or at least lessened, because Kihyun seemed lighter and happier. He never would have connected it to the fact that it was when Hoseok felt happier and lighter himself. He blinks suddenly.

“Oh god, that’s what you and Kyun were arguing about? Me?”

Kihyun has the grace to look ashamed before he squares his shoulders a little.

“He ripped me a new one that day, alright” he admits and looks so sheepish Hoseok manages to think it’s ridiculous. He went a developed a crush on a ridiculous boy, god save him, who apparently was his soulmate.

“He knew? Since when?”

“Only figured it out that day.” Kihyun sighs and looks down at the cat in his lap, “I may have panicked a little when your sickness kicked in so suddenly and she had the gall to gel all hissy at me when we came around, like she always did cause the little shit thinks she has any right to put up a fuss when this whole mess is her fault. And I was,” he makes strange wavey hand gesture, “And you were so sick, so worried that I couldn't deal with her at the time so I uh,- I used my own bond with her to put her in her place and Kyun saw that and well. You know how Kyun is.”

Hoseok nods, because he does know and that Changkyun's “ _ if it was you’ _ question makes much more sense in the light of Kihyun’s explanation. He thinks back to that night, to the tightness in Changkyun’s body and to Kihyun’s insistence that coming clean to his soulmate wouldn’t change anything. 

“Well. You were still right, you know,” he reaches out and scratches Hayan under her chin lightly, “Back then, I wouldn’t believe you if you told me.”

Kihyun merely nods and for a long while they sit in silence. The smell of cherry blossom is heavy in the air and people around them are laughing, so cheerful and so bright, not paying attention to two boys huddled close together on a bench. 

“Do you remember what you said that night on the balcony? How having a soulmate was all about being amazing or something because you’d be able to feel unconditional love and acceptance?” Kihyun breaks the silence. He speaks quietly, so quietly that Hoseok has to strain his ears to hear him. Hayan has by now curled herself into a tight little ball in his lap and in the Spring sun, her white fur seems to glow.

She always seemed to have that odd shine to her, Hoseok thinks suddenly, the whiteness of her fur so stark and gleaming. She really should have been his first clue. And then all of the other coincidences, really. 

Hoseok nods again, because yes, god, yes, he remembers. Remembers too clearly, how he put himself out there and how he waited for Kihyun’s response and got none. Remembers how that strange ache lingered within him hours after Kihyun had left, how he thought the best way to soothe it was cheap booze and cigarettes. Remembers the next day, how he wrote to Kihyun and typed out everything he never told anyone. 

“And all the,- the things you said right now,” Kihyun continues and that cherry blossoms blush is back on the apples of his cheeks, and his voice thickens. He looks up at Hoseok again, eyes glass-bright and as easy to shatter, “You said it’s all you. Not some grand, divine imperative. Do you still believe in what you told me, right now, now that you know? Does this, this thing that’s between us, does it change anything?”

This is the most vulnerable Hoseok’s ever seen him, he realizes with a start and finally understands, in a sharp moment of clarity.

This is Kihyun putting himself out there, just like Hoseok did earlier on with his confession. 

Because when Hoseok grew up, he kept believing how wonderful it will be to have a soulmate would love him unconditionally, how wholeheartedly they would give themselves to the bond between them - Kihyun grew up believing the bond would be the only reason that would keep him and his soulmate together. Where Hoseok believed his soulmate would only help his love grow, Kihyun learned it was a source of disappointment and regret.

Overall of their conversations, more heated and not, Kihyun was always most vocal about how he wanted to be liked, to be loved for him, for being  _ just _ Kihyun. 

And… and that’s what Hoseok did, didn’t he? Not loved, not quite yet, he’s definitely not there yet, he thinks quickly to himself as his own cheeks heat. But he really likes Kihyun for being Kihyun, for all those sharp edges of his and soft moments that were between them. For his brilliant mind and slightly skewed sense of humor, for how stubborn he could get and how passionate he was about what he believed in. How kind he could be, in the most not-cloying way. For the fact that the rude, needle-pointed front protected such a beautiful, soft heart. 

Up to ten minutes ago, when he touched Kihyun’s sun warm cheek, when he told him everything when he admitted to his fear, there was never a mention of a bond between them. There was just Hoseok with his tiny crush and high hope and Kihyun with his pink cheeks and wide eyes.

Ten minutes ago, Hoseok still believed he had no soul-mate to speak of and that Kihyun actually rejected his. 

Ten minutes ago, Hoseok simply wanted to go on a date with  _ Kihyun _ . 

“I literally told you I like your jaded ass,” Hosek says slowly, takes his time to shape the words and he sees that Kiyun’s eyes brightened a little, his lip twitching in a held back smile. His heart makes a funny flop inside of his chest and oh, at least this is a familiar feeling he's already accustomed to. Kihyun’s been having that sort of effect on him for weeks now. “Because you know what? You’re,- you’re everything I  _ never _ wanted in a soulmate and somehow, even with all of this that you just dumped on me, I am still here,” he leans a little into Kihyun’s side, “Wondering if you’re going to give me an answer about going out with me.” 

Kihyun grins then, eyes crinkling up and they look the prettiest like this - tiny little crescents, with crinkles at the corners and because of Hoseok, “We are out right now.” 

“This doesn’t really count, we met up by chance… huh.” Hoseok stops suddenly, feeling his cheeks warm up. He’s suddenly blinded by the fact that he and Kihyun almost never made actual plans; that except for one occasion, every time they saw each other it was a chance meeting or due to their friends. He groans, barely stops himself from slapping his own face and Kihyun laughs, that dorky laugh Hyungwon always makes fun of. “Yeah, fine, I will give you that I can be a little slow on the uptake.”

“Yes, you really can. I’m still not sure if I should find that adorable or frustrating.” Kihyun says with so much fondness it's almost out of character for him but Hayan opens one eye at that, as if in agreement and purrs loudly. Kihyun gives her a quick pat-pat on the flat of her head, “Ok, how about you go back home now, you lazy binch and let Hoseok take me out on a date? I think we don’t need you for that.”

She makes a mewl of protest when Kihyun puts her down, looking utterly betrayed and offended as she slinks away into the nearby bushes a while later.

“Wait is this how it’s going to be now? You’re gonna boss my cat around now all the time?”

“ _ Technically _ , she’s my familiar first and your cat second. I can boss her around as much as I want.”

“Always have to have the last word,” Hoseok laughs then, runs a hand through his hair as he gets up. He stretches himself a bit and it’s ridiculous how happy he is on this sweet-smelling sunny day.

Kihyun merely shrugs in a pretty, fluid movement of a sharp shoulder, “Probably. ’m not going to change, just because we got things out in the open, I’m always going to be me. You know who I am.”

Hoseok feels brave again even if his heart is beating too fast and his hands feeling a little sweaty. Gingerly, he reaches to take one of Kihyun’s in his, clumsily threads their fingers together as he helps him up. Kihyun always was the one to take him by the hand, up until today and he’s nervous - certain about what and who he wants, but still nervous.

Hoseok smiles when he looks up, gives a gentle squeeze because Kihyun immediately steps up into his space, so close Hoseok can feel the warmth of him through all the layers of clothes.

“Yeah, I know who you are, alright,” he says quietly, each word laced with so much affection he’s unable to contain it. With his free hand, he cups Kihyun’s cheek, watches his eyes flutter, “You’re Kihyun.”

\---

Later, much later, Kihyun kisses a laugh and the taste of coffee and whipped cream off his lips and that is when the soulbond blooms to life between them. It feels warm, overly so for a minute or two, just like he feel when he drinks his hot tea too fast on a cold winter day or when the water at his place if faulty and doses him with liquid fire all of a sudden. Then it’s like something slots just right inside of him.

And that’s all there is. 

It’s nothing as spectacular as he imagined when he was younger, Hoseok realizes. There’s no tremble of knees, no fireworks and no flip of heart. There’s no moment of some intense realization, there’s nothing monumental shifting within him and making him immediately better or perfect.

Instead, all Hoseok can think of is the fact that there’s Kihyun, whose lips are slightly chapped and whose hands are twined around Hoseok’s hair. Who kisses him gently, patiently as if he has all the time in the world, right there at the sidewalk of Hoseok’s building. Who calls him a  _ ‘dumbass’ _ in the fondest way as he presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, to the tip of his nose, each eyelid and Hoseok’s never been as ready to agree with him. Who catches Hoseok’s happy laugh with an eager mouth, who licks it off his tongue and changes it into a breathless groan.

They keep kissing, getting a few stares and a wolf-whistle that Hoseok is sure is Hyungwon, but he doesn’t care. Kihyun slots himself against him rather seamlessly, slender fingers sliding to Hoseok’s nack and mouth opening up so so beautifully under his own. Not letting go, pressing up, closer and closer.

There’s a slam of a window opening, and, “Fucking finally!” That’s Kyun’s voice and Kihyun groans against his mouth, unwraps one hand and without looking, Hoseok knows he flips him off. He swallows the offended mumble of ‘ _ kids these days I swear _ ’ and hooks his fingers through the loops at Kihyun’s belt. Pulls his closer still.

He lived more than half of his life wanting a soulmate, not really seeing beyond the pretty stories. Wanted his perfect, compatible person, not thinking about what real life would bring. He imagined meeting them, imagined sunsets and romantic words, imagined them being perfectly aligned from the get-go. He wanted that destined perfection, that monumental bond, not imagining that it would have to take any work at all.

And after many rough years and hectic last months that defined everything he ever believed in, Hoseok learned that despite once dreaming of a soulmate, in the end, he simply wanted  _ Kihyun _ more. 

\---

("We're keeping her, aren't we?"

"Of course we are." Kihyun mutters into the warm space between Hoseok's jaw and ear much later, when they're curled on Hoseok's sofa, all three of them, "You willing to face Kyun's disappointment if we cause Hee to loses his friend?." 

Hayan glows and purrs and stays.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it. the happy, soft ending we deserved from the very beginning. 
> 
> thank you everyone.


End file.
